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The Man with Bacon(Feedback Appreciated)

Modal Seoul

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Rodel here. This is a short story that features Hoid. It takes place after Warbreaker. Feel free to comment.

The Man with Bacon

Kasta cried. Her mother had sent her out of the house, furious, because she was visiting a boy her mother had deemed, “not worthy”. But to Kasta, he was worthy. He was everything. Quenn was the most handsomest boy ever. Despondent, Kasta ran down an alley, intending to sob in a street corner until she felt comfortable enough to go home.

She slumped down on a wall and sniffed.


“Need some food?” The voice had come out of nowhere. Kasta looked up to see the strangest man she had ever seen. He had no shirt on, and one leg of his trousers was torn away at the thigh. He was quite well muscled, which made Kasta blush slightly. The man also had stark white hair, even though he looked as though he couldn’t be older than thirty.


“Wh-what?” she stammered. The man snapped his fingers impatiently.


“I’m offering you food,” he said. “You know, the stuff you gnaw on until it enters your bowels? Are you going to accept my generous offer or am I just going to have to throw it on the ground and piss on it?” His sudden crude remark made Kasta stifle a laugh.


“Yes,” she replied, with more confidence now. “I would like some food.” The man grinned widely.


“Good!” With that, he plopped down next to her and brought out a piece of meat with a flourish.

“Presenting the best food in the cosmere….bacon!” he exclaimed joyously. Kasta giggled, accepting the meat. The man was undoubtedly odd, but he made her forget her problems.


“What happened to you?” she asked, gesturing at his three-fourths of a pair of trousers. The man chuckled.


“Well, you see,” he explained. “A very old friend of mine is looking for me, and he actually hired some poor fools to procure me. Luckily, I gave them the slip somewhere in Teod.”


“Where’s that?” Kasta wondered. The man dismissed her question with a wave of his hand.


“Never mind that now,” he scoffed. “Back to my intriguing story, I arrived here a week ago, and visited Hallandren. Now I’m up here.” He paused. “Does that explain it?” Kasta shook her head.


“No,” she said. “What happened to your clothes?”


“That’s also an intriguing story,” the man replied, blue eyes twinkling. “When I was in Hallandren, I impersonated a storyteller. Told a nice story to the Vessel and one of the Returned.”


“Colors!” Kasta exclaimed, eyes wide with excitement. “You’ve seen Princess Siri?” The man rolled his eyes, exasperation obvious.


“Yes, yes, I have, she’s doing fine,” he said, annoyed. “May I continue?” Kasta nodded, and he did. “Just yesterday I decided to go, but somebody saw me pull off my beard. Caused quite the ruckus.” Kasta looked at him intently.


“How did you get here in one day?” she questioned. The man held up a finger, cutting her off as he chewed his bacon. Then he swallowed.


“Pewter.” he answered cheerily. Kasta’s eyebrows furrowed, confused.


“Pewter?” The man nodded vigorously.


“It works miracles,” he said. “But it has some effects. Which is why I needed bacon.” He went back to his bacon, jaw lethargically moving up and down. Kasta looked down at the ground. It was nice to have someone to talk to. She ate some bacon, then turned to the man again.


“What’s your name?” The man’s face contorted, as if she had asked a difficult question.


“Now that’s difficult,” he declared. “I’ve been called many things. Gheas. Idiot. Person with the Sharp Nose. Lunu’anaki.” He paused, thoughts deep in the past. “For now, you can call me Hoid.” Kasta smiled and stood up. She curtseyed.


“It’s nice to meet you, Hoid.” she said. Hoid nodded distractedly.


“It’s nice to meet you too, whatever your name is,” he returned. “Forgive me if I don’t bow. I’m terribly informal.” Kasta smiled and exited the alley. She felt good enough to face her mother now. As she made her way down the streets of Bevalis, a large man stepped in front of her. Startled, she stepped back. The man grinned evilly.

“Step down this alley, pretty girl.” Kasta shook her head, trembling.

“I will do no such thing.” The man’s face darkened. He pulled out a knife, blade glinting the

in the afternoon sun.

“Do it now, or I’ll gut you.” he snarled. Kasta shrieked in fear, then tried to run, but the man caught her by the arm. He threw her roughly into the alleyway, ripping the left sleeve and shoulder of her dress. He pinned her arms down with his knees.

“Stop squirming, or I’ll kill you,” he yelled. He leaned in closer, whispering in her ear. “We’re gonna play a game. I’ll be the God King. You be the Vessel.” Before, he could go on, a voice cut in.


“You would be executed for blasphemy in a heartbeat down in Hallandren, dear fellow,” said Hoid. “I’m not one who would want to get rid of blasphemy, of course, but all the same.” The man gaped at Hoid, who winked slyly. The man growled angrily, pointing the knife at him, in the process letting one of Kasta’s arms go. In a flash, Kasta lifted her leg and struck her assailant in the face. The man crumpled. Hoid clapped enthusiastically.


“Oh, bravo,” he said with approval. “You would give the Ascendant Warrior a run for her boxings.” He helped Kasta up.


“Let’s get you home.” said Hoid.


When Kasta’s mother saw her daughter enter the house with a shirtless man, her face went as white as the Royal Locks. But, as they explained, she calmed down enough to stop gasping.


“I owe you my thanks,” she told Hoid. “What can I do for you?” Hoid shrugged, adopting an innocent look.


“A shirt, a new pair of trousers, and some bacon,” he said. “Then I will depart.” Some minutes later, Hoid had been given the items he requested. As he exited the house, Kasta stopped him and caught him in an embrace. When she finally detached, Hoid looked astonished, grin now more of a grimace.


“Um, ah, I must be going,” he stuttered. “I shouldn’t stay long in this part of the Realm. Edgli gets touchy.” He turned and began to saunter his way down the path.


“Good-bye!” Kasta cried. Without looking back, Hoid waved farewell.


Some years later, before her children went to bed, Kasta would tell them of an eccentric man who talked of gods and royalty as if they were little infants. An enigma….who adored bacon.

Edited by Captains Domon
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