Feedback Wanted on my Story idea

[Omniforce he/him]

Recently Ive been digging through my memory banks and trying to start back on some of my old story ideas that I never was able to flesh out. Now that I'm older I'm sure that I will have a better chance than I did then. After some digging I found some of my old notes and about 20 pages from a series I tried to start called The Star Eye Chronicles. The main premise is that on an earth analogue I like to call Seriff, there exists a prophesied group of almost god level mages that are the reincarnations of the First mages millennia ago. Overall there are 10 of them. 4 Elemental Mages( earth,fire,wind,water), 4 Life Mages( spirit, body*can't think of anything cool sounding yet,growth,decay) and the the 2 Fundamental Mages(light, dark)

The story is that there were two gods who presided over this world. One was good, the other was evil. Their powers were essentially the same. They both raised armies of various beings against each other. In the end(Dragon Quest 7 style) the good god was defeated, but with their last bit of energy, managed to seal away the evil one. Pretty bland up to this point. Thousand of years later, most people have forgotten about everything, excluding the secret groups that follow each god. The kick to my story is that at the very start, the evil god breaks free. He's extremely weakened though, and has to act like Loki does, manipulating the world subtly. The story starts out following Tonser, the wind mage, who was placed by his mother soon after birth in a magical sanctuary, hidden away in deeper plane of reality, where only those pure of heart can enter. Soon after the story starts, The sanctuary is brought into the normal plane due to the release of energy from the dark gods seal. Tonser and another Legendary Mage from the sanctuary, The Spirit Mage, a girl named Lilan, are thrust into the world to try and find the remaining 8 mages and try and stop the dark god before he regains his full power.

Sorry if this is too long of a post. Never really been much of a poster

O yeah. Almost forgot. I'd like to make it a light novel too, so if anyone is particularly good at drawing either manga or comics, ld love to recruit you

Edited October 24, 2016 by Omniforce
Almost forgot

[Kynedath]

Sounds a bit heavy. The magic system would have to be executed absolutely perfectly, with fairly hard rules. Soft magic wouldn't work because of the level of power that you are dealing with. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure how you would make the magnitude of the mages' power work with a fulfilling story line. I can see why you would make the wind mage and the spirit mage the core protagonists, since they would have to be the most creative with their powers (at least as far as I can tell from what I imagine their powers are). And with the two gods, it sounds a LOT like the shards on Scadrial. I see a lot of cliches and super-symmetry (a fancy word i just came up with meaning that you seem to be trying too hard to cover all of the aspects of the universe) in this, but if you use your magic correctly, then you might be able to pull it off.

Basically, it depends on the magic system that you are planning on using. I'd have to know more about that to accurately analyze it.

[The Honor Spren she/her]

I think it has potential. With the basic plot line you have here, it could be an interesting and engaging story. Keep going with these ideas and try to think of ways to make this story unique to you. 

It does remind me of Mistborn some, but there are ways you can make it different. It also reminds me of a webcomic named Kubera. You should read it sometime.

[Yezrien]

The "bland" parts are really just classic ideas. Nothing wrong there.

I think you should ask some serious, direct questions about what's going on in the story. What exactly is this Loki character doing? Why does he need to be stopped? And exactly how is the hero going to stop him? That's your plot.

Why exactly does the hero need to gather all ten mages? What can ten of them do that nine of them can't? Do the ten original mages have some connection to the evil god? Were they there when he was bound? Did they bind him?

And in the interest of making things easier for yourself, you may want to rethink the whole "ten kinds of mages" thing. You're basically looking at ten different magic systems, based on completely different concepts, so they won't feel natural and harmonious. Look at what Brandon did with Surgebinding. He established that the world runs on ten different fundamental forces (Surges), and built a specific superpower around controlling each one of them. 

And this just my (slightly hypocritical) opinion, but I think you're better off dropping the four elements part. It's been done to death, and it's almost never cool anymore. (Avatar set the bar way too high.) Build your own original magic to satisfy the demands of your story.