20160620 - Escapade of Silence part 3 - 4369 words - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Hello all,

Here's the third of five parts of Escapade of Silence.  I've rewritten a lot of the first section and second section based on your comments, so here is the summary with the major changes and new content:

Prot and his crew are selling spices on Sureri, not very well, when they are interrupted by a protest march.  They drive their transport through the crowd, taking care not to injure anyone, but their sales the next day are non existent.  Prot is approached by a well-dressed Sureri gentleman who leads Prot to his grand-dame, a finely dressed female Sureri of the Frente family who offers a rush job of medical supplies for an epidemic of Shudders on Methiem.  She also gives them a contact to sell the remaining spices, at a reduced rate. 

Prot takes Saart and Kamuli to negotiate with the thuggish Sureriaj who hold the cargo and insist it can't be opened, while Amra sells the spices (badly).  She gets to the warehouse just in time to help Prot get the spices loaded before a fight starts with the thugs.  They travel to the portal ground, chased by law enforcement of the Naiyul family, where only the intervention of the majus there lets them travel through the portal to Methiem.

As always, What I'm looking for is Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system:
--what you think is Awesome
--What you are Bored by
--What you are Confused by
--What you Don't believe

Specific things:
Are the minor characters believable?
Are you familiar yet with Prot's crew?

LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome.

[Robinski he/him]

Well, I'm happy. Things are moving along, but there is increased tension because of the timescale and the need open the crates. I hope that there is more emphasis on the ticking clock as we get closer. Two hours passing for them to find the majus’ house has really taken a bite out of their float, so that should be accentuated.

I like the tension that comes from them needing to get into the crates, but I think you've let them off the hook a bit by Prot ‘bonding’ somewhat with the customs official. That dynamic does not feel antagonistic enough now, especially when she assisted them by letting him wander off. You could achieve better tension by having Prot sneak away to find the majus, then being an alien abroad in Methiem and subject to arrest at a moment’s notice. Then, Amra and the others would be in a bind as well trying to conceal Prot’s disappearance.

What I'm suggesting, I suppose, is that I'm feeling insufficient tension.

Still, it remains a good read and I'm enjoying it.

<R>

---------------------------------------------------------

“and interjected her very large, very dark, frame into the cockpit” – not sure this is the word, I'm thinking ‘insinuated’.

“I’m not sure how (INSERT WORDS HERE) came through a portal”

I'm feeling a like I'm stumbling through this submission a bit, like the writing could be smoother. I'm making good progress, but feel like I don’t entirely have my balance, if that makes any sense.

I like the tension ramping up when the train starts to rumble towards the customs officials.

“so I took the pilot’s chair”

“handing the bill of lading to the customs woman, who investigated it suspiciously” – She’s just reading it though, this seems like over-description.

“for the ongoing epidemic of the Shudders” – have we heard the name of the disease before? I don’t recall it – maybe it’s WRS.

“her bottom lip in danger of climbing into her mouth” – lol.

“but it didn’t full reach her eyes”

“We bought the wagon almost fourteen cycles ago, just after we met” – Somehow I don’t recall being told that Prot and Saart with the founding partners.

“I put my shoulder to the bear-like monster’s foreleg”

[Robinski he/him]

Looking back to your questions, I think I've covered them fairly well in my comments. The one that I haven't is the minor characters.

On that point, no, I don't think I've really got their characters down at all. Amra's been given enough to do that I have a good handle on her, but I'm not there with the others. At this moment, after reading this week's submission, I could not tell you a thing about the others, apart from two of them being partners.

 

[krystalynn03 she/her]

Hey Mandamon,

Happy Summer Solstice (a day late)!

 

LBL’s and First Impressions:

 

·         Skipping made-up quote because I do it to everyone, even Tolkien

·         “delicate…nature” – Enjoying the MC’s narrative voice

·         “I wasn’t worth that much.” – Enjoying the narrator’s voice again. You’re doinga  good job (and in general) of tempering world-building with entertainment

·         “Are you sweating?” – Kind of wish I had the narrative in front describing where and why she was asking this rather than finding out after the dialogue.

·         “I forgot to … Kamuli opened…” Who’s speaking here? I assume MC, but the paragraph breaking doesn’t suggest it.  I suggest tagging that second sentence into the same paragraph that Kamuli’s dialogue is in below.

·         “octopus mated with a circus tent” – fun image

·         “I could feel a trickle of sweat…” Maybe cut the ‘I could feel’ since we’re in Prot’s head well enough that that much is assumed.

·         “inkling of what the hexagon might be” – Suspense rising. I’m hooked right now.

·         “I saw what was coming” – The what here made me thing it was a physical what, not an action, and so I had to reread.

·         Maji Info: Well done here. It feels organic and real and doesn’t go on too long.

·         “All of them are like this?” – If this is protag, move this to the former paragraph to suggest as much. Otherwise, put a dialogue tag or I can’t be sure who’s talking.

·         At this point I’m really wondering how the Surieraj think this is going to get past customs if Prot doesn’t know how. That might be a good question or a bad question, depending on if you wanted your reader to wonder that at this point.

·         “anti-seiuzing capsules” – Oh snap. Now I’m really worried for the group.

·         “Won’t we, Prot?” – This seems kind of unusually informal to call first names in a business setting. Did I miss a detail?

·         Nope. It answered itself a page later. Concern withdrawn.

·         “you don’t know everything, missy” – I like that they don’t get along. Adds texture to the world that even minor characters seem to have a life outside the plot

·         The descriptions of Prot blacking out are a little unclear

 

Awesome: You paint the world and characters in a fun way that keeps the plot flowing and I can believe in it.

Boring: I wasn’t.

Confusing: The bit at the end where he blacks out

Don’t believe: None of the character intereactions jumped out this time…although Prot and Amra’s relationship is starting to feel a little one note. She just said last time she could accept his lifestyle for now, but he’s dangling that same carrot as before in front of her. Just a thought.

I don't remember the crew's descriptions...but I don't know if that's writing based or WRS...so I can't answer that question...

[kais]

Overall: I enjoyed it. Pace was good, tension was good. My suggested edits are in the as I go section.

 

Your questions:

Awesome: Tension was great

Bored: Not particularly in this chapter

Confused: Still a lot of species and names. Only a few have cemented in my brain thus far

Don't believe: That Amra and Prot have a healthy relationship. He isn't acting the best towards her, and she's just taking it. 

Minor characters: Other than Prot and Amra, none of the minors have really had an impact on me yet, so I can't answer this.

Crew: See above. Still trying to cement them in my mind.

 

As I go

- page 1: the summary kicker doesn't read particularly formal. A 'Great Assembly' seems like it would have a killer secretary to do the summaries, and s/he would write very formally

- page 2: I'd love a bit more description within these dialogue lines. It reads fast, but sparse. A few more sentences would help to really flesh this out better.

- page three 'feeling of doom' would be more impactful if shown, not told

- page 5: MC asks 'what as in these things?', but earlier he said he hated when he was right. I'm confused. He thought he knew what was in the crates, and now he doesn't? Suspicions were confirmed?

- page 9: perfect customs scene. This is like my life every time I come back from Peru

- page 11: She wasn't too upset? With the interactions Prot has had with Amra thus far, I'd be pretty upset. She's reading more pushover now

- I like how the chapter ends. Good tension.

[Mandamon he/him]

@ Robinski:
Thanks for the LBLs as usual!  I'm making corrections now.
On the choppy writing, I'll look out for that.  I did a lot of splicing in this section, so that might be why it reads as unbalanced.
I like your idea about Prot slipping off on his own.  That would really add to the tension.  I may steal that.
I don't think, with this edition, you've heard the name of the disease yet.   That's corrected in the rewrite.

@Krystalynn
glad the worldbuilding is still working.  Good LBLs.
Good point in how the Sureriaj thought the cargo would get through.  I'll think on how to address that.
On blacking out, yeah, this is not a great stopping point, but I had to find a place to cut it off.  It should be pretty clear in the next submission.   Let me know if it isn't.

@kaisa
On multiple species.  I know there are a lot in there.  Mainly for this story, I want to make sure the reader knows about the Sureriaj, the Methiemum, and maybe the Festuour.  Since this is a multi-story series the other species get covered in other books.  As long as it's not actively confusing, I'm alright with reader not remember what an Etanela or a Lobath looks like.
On crates--good catch.  I've cleared up the first sections a lot based on feedback, so I can clean that up here.
Glad the customs scene seems realistic.  I was hoping I got the right tone there.

On Amra/Prot's relationship (and I think everyone mentioned this).  I've amped it up a good bit--especially the argument--in the first section based on your comments, so hopefuly the tension carries through better.  I'm planning to make a lot more edits in this section as well, so hopefully that will address everyone's concerns.

On minor characters, I'm alright with them not being particularly memorable, since this is a shorter story.  This is mainly about Prot and Amra.  I just want to make sure you can tell one from the other, and know what they look like.  Did I satisfy that at least?

Thanks again!

[neongrey]

Hooooo boy do I still not like Prot, right from the first page, and I'm going to elaborate a little-- it's the "just the change in temperature" line. Like, this character is supposed to be endearing, loveable rogue smuggler type, whatever, but the sheer casual pointlessness of the lie to someone who ostensibly is important to him-- I can't believe he cares about her in the slightest, I can't believe she's even important to him between this and his earlier actions. I definitely don't believe the way he slings 'love' about her. He talks down to her, he undercuts her efforts, he lies to get out of looking at places because he knows she'll sublimate her own desires to his, and now this-- there's no reason for it besides to make himself look 'stronger'. She knows something shady's going on even if she doesn't know everything, if he doesn't want to admit to how unsettled he actually is, he doesn't need to completely dismiss her like this. He can't even admit he's nervous because something's fishy here? He pretty much displays absolutely zero respect for her as a person in any of their scenes together. It's not the sort of person I can cheer for.

Page 2, I'm not sure what's going on here. Kamuli's calling Prot down and... Kamuli's asking why they're running? No, it has to be Prot, but the paragraph's describing Kamuli's action. Either way, 'I think you'd better come see this' rather than someone just saying what's going on is, ehhh. Even 'we found something that we don't know what it is' is better

Further down the page, not sure I'm following the 'eyed the line' bit. Are there windows or something? If they're running, how is he having time to eye the line?

P.4 "look boss" comma between the words

You're repeating some information really soon after the last time you gave it, like the bit about the system beasts. You took the time at the end of the last section to give a run-down on the maji, I am not sure about going into it again already. There's new stuff that needs to be conveyed but it's close enough I don't know the repetition is necessary? To me it feels like you're dropping everything in a moment of tension to exposit, and, ehh.

Through to p. 8 we're looking good, but the crew are feeling really indistinct to me.

Toward the bottom of p.8 though onto 9-- if most people don't know about how the maji organize themselves, it feels odd to go into a conversation very shortly thereafter that hinges on these divisions. The majus might initiate but the other conversation participants are engaging as if familiar with the subject and there's nothing odd considered about this. It doesn't jive with this being such a rare thing to know.

p.11 'stuck out her tongue', really? Even if she's being playful, having her do this is infantilizing. 

12 to end works well, no notes in particular there.

Edited June 23, 2016 by neongrey

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks, Neongrey!

Yep, you're totally right on Prot/Amra's relationship.  I'm in the midst of rewriting it a lot, so your points will help me pick out the problem areas.  Good catches on the inconsistencies and confusion as well.  I will work to correct them.

[neongrey]

Cool cool, looking forward to seeing the revisions, the base story framework is good, but yeah, haha. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Just fixed this portion tonight.  For those wondering, Amra is still mad with Prot after the argument at the end of the last submission, and is not mollified this time around.  When Prot leaves to find the majus, she's promising they will have a long talk when he gets back, about running off, and to discuss their future.

Hopefully a lot better than demure and sticking out her tongue!  I think this will also tie in a lot better with the ending.

[spieles]

Thoughts on part II -

* This might relate more back to part 1, but I'm thinking Amra could be a little more capable - and that this would make Prot more likeable. She's falling a bit too much into the weak-female stereotype - when really, how the hell did she end up being an accountant on a space transport? There has to be some part of her that craves adventure. I think upping the focus on those other parts of her character might do the double job of making Prot more likable and their relationship more believable. Also, it's a little weird that the accountant would be getting the low numbers on these trade negotiations, especially when she's so aware of the bottom line. I almost think you could rewrite that subplot where Amra is obsessed with getting a specific number. Like 7% or above and then KILLS the deal when she can't get the number. For being such a good accountant, it would almost make more sense for her to be factual to a fault. Also, you might consider reversing who wants the babies. Maybe it's Prot who's like "we should have a kid" and Amra is all, "That's completely unrealistic. Children who grow up in space suffer from the following [stats]" and to settle down, we need x, y, and z. That's much more interesting than making her this woman who wants to give up an exciting life in space for child rearing planetside. 

Otherwise, I thought this chapter flowed pretty smoothly. It really seemed like you knew where we were going, and I like that they're seeking this crazy old magus in a junkyard for help. Excited to read on.

[Mandamon he/him]

Hmm...good thoughts on Amra.  My original intent was "can I write a female who is not over the top awesome, but still a good character."  So far the answer seems to be that I need more practice.

I may take her back and look at the three personality sliders to adjust somehow (proactivity, competence, and sympathy).  And now I have an extra week to do it!

[spieles]

On 6/25/2016 at 11:02 PM, Mandamon said:

I may take her back and look at the three personality sliders to adjust somehow (proactivity, competence, and sympathy).  And now I have an extra week to do it!

Hah. I was just listening to those podcasts (particularly the one on adjusting character competence) when I was thinking about her character. 

[Mandamon he/him]

2 hours ago, spieles said:

Hah. I was just listening to those podcasts (particularly the one on adjusting character competence) when I was thinking about her character. 

Great minds and all that...