Reading Excuses - 02/22/16 - Marci - Broken Universe (Chapters 2+3) - 4949 Words [L,D]

[Marci she/her]

Previously, on Broken Universe: The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible. Despite this, he feels like things might be looking up for him. Then a transdimensional portal appears nearby while he’s wrapping up a successful hunting trip in the woods, and the portal’s appearance triggers the return of a slew of confusing and incomplete memories. One of the things he remembers is that someone with an axe to grind is looking for him. So, he hightails it out of the woods to ask his ex-girlfriend, Kim Dehaven, for help while still remembering why he needs it in the first place. 

 

But little does Baxter know that he’s leading Kim into danger, and is thus confused and dismayed when she is possessed by a strange, menacing entity who appears to know him intimately...

 

Chapter 2 Summary: The aftermath of Kim’s possession, which Baxter promptly forgets.

 

Chapter 3 Summary: Seven months later, the systematic dismantling of Baxter’s world nears its completion.

 

--

 

Again, I’m looking for feedback on character development, story pacing, and wordsmithing. I worked on editing down dialog and cutting extraneous description, though I’m sure I still have plenty of that. Some of you noted that Baxter and Kim don't always speak very nicely to each other. Well, they are exes for a reason, and it gets worse before it gets better. Baxter deserves every bit of vitriol he gets from Kim in Chapter 3.

 

Some specific questions for you: In Chapter 2, Baxter’s forgetting is pretty abrupt. Too abrupt? Yes/no/perhaps? And is the time gap between Chapters 2 and 3 too jarring? I hint at what Baxter and Kim have been up to during that time, but are those hints enough to carry the story?

 

One more note, on formatting: My quotes are screwy here and there. Sorry, going from Scrivener to Google docs does this at times, and I’m not sure how to wholesale fix it in docs like I can in Scrivener, so I apologize if any of you find them distracting.

 

Thank you for reading. I look forward to (and am slightly afraid of) your comments!

Edited February 24, 2016 by Marci

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I'm kinda confused if Kim is aware she's been possessed or not. Regardless, she seems a little too matter-of-fact with regards to everything that's happened. 

 

- Question: is Baxter purposely referring to his child as "the kid". It does make him feel detached, especially in his role as a father. It's a very neutral, affection-less term, unlike "kiddo", "pumpkin" or even "runt". I just wanted to make sure this was your attention - if it is, it's a subtle way of making Baxter more of a jerk. 

 

- Kim's boyfriend's Mercedes is a little redundant

 

- I like Baxter's exchange with a cat, but I don't feel we know enough of the world Baxter lives in for this to feel really commonplace.

 

- I like the fall-out between Baxter and Kim. It is really sad, and it sets up the novel very well. Overall, I am anxious to see more, just like last week.  

[Robinski he/him]

I'm very disappointed to see from the tag that there is no sex or violence in this week's submission. You're really letting your standards slip

I am looking forward to reading this evening though.

[Robinski he/him]

Yeah, okay, I'm hooked. I still think Baxter's behaviour during his introduction was over-the-top protesting his weirdness too much, but now that things have calmed down and we have Kim to play off against him, I'm really enjoying their interaction. The danger is that this slows down the story. Things are moving forward, but I would like to know more by this point, so I can make assumptions about where things are going, even if they are wrong.

[This is only Part 1 of my comments, sorry, I seem to have a lot of 'thoughts' this week. More to follow.]

-----------------------------------

I had to look up "susurration". It's very writerly. I love words and expanding my vocab, but I don't think you want most readers to be breaking away to go to G**gle.

"reassuring with their its whispered chorus" - Life is singular.

"The existing tension between Baxter's shoulder blades" - Did you mean existing? The word seems to serve no purpose in the sentence. You've said there's tension, so obviously it exists.

"her firm, professional touch as she assessed his vitals" - It's probably WRS (weekly reader syndrome) on my part, but do we know her profession, is she a nurse? I forget.

I enjoyed the opening scene. It's satisfying to see the sequel to the last scene, and to have some space in the aftermath to see how they react to what happened and to going through that stress together, sort of. I do have issues however, more below.

"How could you tell it was a woman?" - Wait a minute, it was a woman?! I totally missed that in the last chapter, this makes my comments from the last submission about the similarity in character voices all the more relevant, I think. (I'm interested to know what you thought about the important points in my last response, btw).

"Do you have a​ny ​idea how many times I’ve wanted to kiss you and gut you with my bare hands, in the same breath?" - rofl. The sexual tension between these two is great. It's the making of the story (I think) but, as per last time, I would like to know a bit more about the background to the doors and Baxter's pain / weakness / vulnerability earlier on.

"Even through the layers of their clothes he picked out the beating *of* her heart, racing and panicked, like the wings a terrified bird." - This is a great line, and an unexpected action, which makes it more satisfying, the last simile is really cliched though.

"Would you mind explaining what the storm this was all about?" - This goes back to my comment about having some more background earlier. I'm unclear as to whether Kim knew about the doors before. If not, is her first question not 'This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules did that door come from in the middle of nowhere?'

"She abruptly stood" - Everyone's style is there own, but I don't subscribe to the view that grammar is a matter of opinion. (Igor, fetch the stick). I've never liked split infinitives, even the most famous of them all, 'To boldly go...' I mean would it been so terrible to say, 'Boldly to go, where no man has gone, before', or even 'To go boldly where no man has gone before.'?

I'm guessing that Sam is Kim's ex-mother-in-law? Okay, just Baxter's mother if they were not married.

"I guess it's gotta be up to me" - I'm not clear on what's up to him. There are various spots where the intention of the dialogue could be clearer.

Sometimes the narrative is rather dense. E.g. "He cast numerous furtive glances her direction as he navigated back to his father's, trying to keep an image of the door fresh in his mind's eye while simultaneously wondering what he could do to fix this." I think you could lose 20% of the words here and say exactly the thing. Eisenheim and I had an interesting discussion about word count, and I believe it's an important issue, cutting back to ease the reader's passage through the story can be achieved without loss of texture or style. Also, in 'fix this' - what is 'this', their relationship, the doors? Clarity again.

"sudden inexplicable rejection" - Is he really that insensitive? Wow. Also, I don't have enough background to her involvement in the whole door thing to understand why she is not questioning the door, her possession, etc. These are fantastical things. She is ignoring them, so either she's in mega-denial, which Baxter is not acknowledging, or it's old hat, which tends to shut me out of the background, like they all know about it, but I don't.

Err, I seem to have an awful lot to say about this story. I feel that it's useful reaction, but tell me if I'm babbling too much. At this rate, my comments will be 2,000 words. I'm going to post these as Part 1, so hopefully they are more easily digested. I'm only at Page 5, so I will probably comment some more...

[Marci she/her]

Thanks for reading again this week!

 

- I'm kinda confused if Kim is aware she's been possessed or not. Regardless, she seems a little too matter-of-fact with regards to everything that's happened. 

 

She's aware, she's in shock, and she blames Baxter for what happened. The woman is traumatized, but she's good at hiding it. She's also shocked by how quickly Baxter forgets what happened. He warned her, but she still didn't expect his memory of the door, and her possession, to slip his mind so easily.

 

 

- Question: is Baxter purposely referring to his child as "the kid". It does make him feel detached, especially in his role as a father. It's a very neutral, affection-less term, unlike "kiddo", "pumpkin" or even "runt". I just wanted to make sure this was your attention - if it is, it's a subtle way of making Baxter more of a jerk. 

 

Yep, he refers to her as "the kid" a lot. Also Samwise, hobbit, or kidlet. Part of that is indeed detachment. Not only is it one of his defense mechanisms, it's also how he feels -- shut out/separate/apart from his family.

 

 

- I like Baxter's exchange with a cat, but I don't feel we know enough of the world Baxter lives in for this to feel really commonplace.

 

There'll be more of this as we go along. The higher up on the food chain something is, the more in-depth the conversation gets.

 

 

- I like the fall-out between Baxter and Kim. It is really sad, and it sets up the novel very well. Overall, I am anxious to see more, just like last week.  

 

Good! I was worried about that part of the scene. I'm glad you're still on board! Thanks again for reading and commenting.

[Marci she/her]

Yay, thanks for reading again this week!

 

Yeah, okay, I'm hooked. I still think Baxter's behaviour during his introduction was over-the-top protesting his weirdness too much, but now that things have calmed down and we have Kim to play off against him, I'm really enjoying their interaction. The danger is that this slows down the story. Things are moving forward, but I would like to know more by this point, so I can make assumptions about where things are going, even if they are wrong.

 

Thanks for this feedback! I'm Ctrl+C/V everyone's comments, and placing them in Scrivener so I know what to go back and address in my next draft. I did indeed contemplate going back to work on the previous parts, but I don't want to kill my momentum, and I have A LOT already written, so I think it's best to keep going at this point. 

[This is only Part 1 of my comments, sorry, I seem to have a lot of 'thoughts' this week. More to follow.]

 

Woooo! \o/

-----------------------------------

I had to look up "susurration". It's very writerly. I love words and expanding my vocab, but I don't think you want most readers to be breaking away to go to G**gle.

 

Heh. Sorry. I seriously wasn't trying to be writerly there, I just like that word. I mean, try saying it aloud. Not only is it fun to say (like alfalfa) but the sound perfectly fits its meaning.

 

"her firm, professional touch as she assessed his vitals" - It's probably WRS (weekly reader syndrome) on my part, but do we know her profession, is she a nurse? I forget.

 

Yep! She's a nurse, and works in the NICU. She's more used to dealing with little babies, rather than big ones, but Baxter is accident prone.

"How could you tell it was a woman?" - Wait a minute, it was a woman?! I totally missed that in the last chapter, this makes my comments from the last submission about the similarity in character voices all the more relevant, I think. (I'm interested to know what you thought about the important points in my last response, btw).

 

I will be mindful of this. The alien entity was someone who was very close to Baxter in his past, and they spent a lot of time together (technically), so they picked up on each other's mannerisms and way of speaking. The entity also went to the same private military academy as Baxter, so some of the way they both speak was influenced by their time together at school. Some of their classmates have a similar way of speaking, but they're not major players in the story, and they only have cameos. The other characters don't in fact speak like Baxter, Kim, and the entity (and sometimes Sam) do.

 

"Do you have a​ny ​idea how many times I’ve wanted to kiss you and gut you with my bare hands, in the same breath?" - rofl. The sexual tension between these two is great. It's the making of the story (I think) but, as per last time, I would like to know a bit more about the background to the doors and Baxter's pain / weakness / vulnerability earlier on.

 

Thanks for that feedback. I definitely want to show Baxter being more vulnerable, especially where Kim is concerned. She and Sam are likely the only reason the dude is still alive at this point.

 

"Even through the layers of their clothes he picked out the beating *of* her heart, racing and panicked, like the wings a terrified bird." - This is a great line, and an unexpected action, which makes it more satisfying, the last simile is really cliched though.

 

Ack. I feel about cliches the same way Joan Crawford felt about wire hangers. I'mma go back and edit the crap out of that line.

"Would you mind explaining what the storm this was all about?" - This goes back to my comment about having some more background earlier. I'm unclear as to whether Kim knew about the doors before. If not, is her first question not 'This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules did that door come from in the middle of nowhere?'

 

Holy cow, it seems as if my characters' potty mouths have angered The Powers That Be. Sorry if I've gotten you in trouble, Robinski!

 

In the previous part, Kim asked Baxter where the heck the door came from, and what it meant, but he wasn't being forthcoming because he doesn't have ready access to that knowledge. His memory is labyrinthian and fleeting at best. 

"She abruptly stood" - Everyone's style is there own, but I don't subscribe to the view that grammar is a matter of opinion. (Igor, fetch the stick). I've never liked split infinitives, even the most famous of them all, 'To boldly go...' I mean would it been so terrible to say, 'Boldly to go, where no man has gone, before', or even 'To go boldly where no man has gone before.'?

 

Thanks for pointing this out. I want to be grammatically correct, but sometimes I'm not sure where to correctly place a word.

I'm guessing that Sam is Kim's ex-mother-in-law? Okay, just Baxter's mother if they were not married.

 

Sam/Samantha is Kim & Baxter's little girl.

"sudden inexplicable rejection" - Is he really that insensitive? Wow. Also, I don't have enough background to her involvement in the whole door thing to understand why she is not questioning the door, her possession, etc. These are fantastical things. She is ignoring them, so either she's in mega-denial, which Baxter is not acknowledging, or it's old hat, which tends to shut me out of the background, like they all know about it, but I don't.

 

She's not in denial, she's in shock. And by this point, Baxter doesn't remember the door, or Kim's possession, or why she's sitting in the car with him in the first place. Lacking context, he takes her rejection personally. And he's a jerk about it, because he feels used and discarded by her yet again.

Err, I seem to have an awful lot to say about this story. I feel that it's useful reaction, but tell me if I'm babbling too much. At this rate, my comments will be 2,000 words. I'm going to post these as Part 1, so hopefully they are more easily digested. I'm only at Page 5, so I will probably comment some more...

 

Bring it on! \o/

 

Seriously, man, I hope I haven't gotten you booted from the forums for this post. I appreciate your feedback and comments like whoa!

[Marci she/her]

I'm very disappointed to see from the tag that there is no sex or violence in this week's submission. You're really letting your standards slip

I am looking forward to reading this evening though.

 

Heh. There'll be a good dose of the former in next week's submission. 

[Robinski he/him]

Seriously, man, I hope I haven't gotten you booted from the forums for this post. I appreciate your feedback and comments like whoa!

 

I think I've seen that text in one of my messages before, so hopefully not! Anyway, it was my line. What I don't get is that when I quoted your text with potty-mouthed bits, it replaces the naughty words automatically, whereas if I use an acronym which does actually use the words, I get reported?!

 

Weird, but hopefully any Admin looking at it can see that it was not in an abusive context.

[Robinski he/him]

I had to look up "susurration". It's very writerly. I love words and expanding my vocab, but I don't think you want most readers to be breaking away to go to G**gle.

Heh. Sorry. I seriously wasn't trying to be writerly there, I just like that word. I mean, try saying it aloud. Not only is it fun to say (like alfalfa) but the sound perfectly fits its meaning. - Here's onomatopoeia in your eye.

Even through the layers of their clothes he picked out the beating *of* her heart, racing and panicked, like the wings a terrified bird." - This is a great line, and an unexpected action, which makes it more satisfying, the last simile is really cliched though.

Ack. I feel about cliches the same way Joan Crawford felt about wire hangers. I'mma go back and edit the crap out of that line. <shudder>

"She abruptly stood" - Everyone's style is there own, but I don't subscribe to the view that grammar is a matter of opinion. (Igor, fetch the stick). I've never liked split infinitives, even the most famous of them all, 'To boldly go...' I mean would it been so terrible to say, 'Boldly to go, where no man has gone, before', or even 'To go boldly where no man has gone before.'?

Thanks for pointing this out. I want to be grammatically correct, but sometimes I'm not sure where to correctly place a word. - You did that on purpose, didn't you?! There was a great piece in The Times about splitting infinitives, expressing the view that, by using convoluted wording to avoid that 'mistake', one can end up with rather ugly prose. Personally, I think that's a crock. [You must be able to say 'crock' on here, surely. Ed.]

Edited February 25, 2016 by Robinski

[Mandamon he/him]

Edit: I only just saw your note above that there is a seven month time jump between ch 2 and 3.  Not having known this, I was extremely confused (see below comments) until about halfway through chapter 3.  I still didn't get any good feeling for how long the break was, except that it might have been a few months.

 

"the systematic dismantling of Baxter’s world"

--Does this mean the actual plot starts in the next chapter?  And if that's the actual plot, then why didn't the story start at that point?

 

Notes:

 

pg 1: Kim's reaction seems almost too much?  I don't know.  She was possessed, so that's pretty terrible, but she seems to be weeping for Baxter, which doesn't really jive with what went before.  Also he's only been out for a few minutes.  

 

pg 3: You directly mention Baxter's memory here, making it clear it's not to be trusted.  I don't think you've actually said this in the story before.

 

pg 4: "Try to cut's Sam's interrogation short."

--Was Sam the ghost?  Not sure who this is.--later on, I see Sam is the daughter.  Must have forgotten.  But why are they interrogating her?

 

pg 4: Kim not talking to him

--but they were just talking, a moment ago...

 

pg 6: "Homocidal ex-girlfriend"

--Are you trying to say here that Baxter's already forgotten the ghost?  I'm confused.

 

pg 6: "the flash and bang"

--what does this mean?

 

pg 8: sentence starting with "It'd been awhile..." is confusing

 

Pg 8: "Murika Day"

--So I guess this is July 4th, which would explain the flash and bang?  Did we know that before?

 

pg 12:  Not really sure what's going on with this whole interchange with the cat and Kim.

 

pg 14: So this is not the same day as before with the ghost...I didn't catch the time change at the beginning of chapter 3

 

pg 19: Slumber party:  How old is Sam?  I thought she was a young child, but this makes me think 9 or 10.

 

pg 20: confused once again.  Something about bacon, checking the freezer, and celebrating?  Yet Baxter obviously needs to leave, but Kim's inviting him to stay for some reason?  I'd have made him sleep in the car.

 

 

Well, I have to say my overall reaction for this submission is...confused.  There were several references I didn't get, and I think there's a time jump, maybe of several months, between chapter 2 and 3, but I'm not sure.  There's not any progression of the door/ghost plot, and mainly just a bunch of low-level abuse from Baxter at Kim and at his daughter.

Hopefully we'll find out more about the plot next time?

[Marci she/her]

 

"the systematic dismantling of Baxter’s world"

--Does this mean the actual plot starts in the next chapter?  And if that's the actual plot, then why didn't the story start at that point?

 

The story's inciting event occurred in the distant past. Kim's possession changes everything for Baxter in more ways than one, and comes back to haunt him later in the story. Maybe I should've just come out and called chapter 1 a prologue.

 

 

Notes:

 

pg 1: Kim's reaction seems almost too much?  I don't know.  She was possessed, so that's pretty terrible, but she seems to be weeping for Baxter, which doesn't really jive with what went before.  Also he's only been out for a few minutes.  

 

She was possessed, her body controlled by another's will, yet she was 100% aware of what was happening. It was a violation of one's person in the same sense as a physical assault. She's crying because of what happened to her, and because she thinks the man she still loves betrayed her. That's pretty harsh stuff. I'm actually leaning toward her being a little too stoic about the entire thing, but everyone reacts differently to a traumatic event.

 

 

pg 3: You directly mention Baxter's memory here, making it clear it's not to be trusted.  I don't think you've actually said this in the story before.

 

This was indeed explored in last week's submission.

 

 

pg 4: "Try to cut's Sam's interrogation short."

--Was Sam the ghost?  Not sure who this is.--later on, I see Sam is the daughter.  Must have forgotten.  But why are they interrogating her?

 

Kim is saying that she wants Baxter to quell their daughter's questions about why they went back to the farm. Sam wanted to go with them, but they talked her into staying at home with her grandfather in exchange for a promise to go to the movie theater. 

 

 

pg 4: Kim not talking to him

--but they were just talking, a moment ago...

 

She stopped talking to him in the woods, and didn't say a word on the entire 40-minute drive to pick up Sam. That's a long time, as far as Baxter's concerned.

 

 

pg 6: "Homocidal ex-girlfriend"

--Are you trying to say here that Baxter's already forgotten the ghost?  I'm confused.

 

Yep. Baxter done forgot. He warned her it would happen, but she didn't believe him.

 

 

pg 19: Slumber party:  How old is Sam?  I thought she was a young child, but this makes me think 9 or 10.

 

Sam just celebrated her 10th birthday, hence the slumber party.

 

 

pg 20: confused once again.  Something about bacon, checking the freezer, and celebrating?  Yet Baxter obviously needs to leave, but Kim's inviting him to stay for some reason?  I'd have made him sleep in the car.

 

Baxter was supposed to attend Sam's birthday party, but shows up way late. Like, ridiculously, stupidly late. He has the fight with Kim once he finds out she's marrying another dude. The celebration bit was said as sarcasm, and references two things: Sam's birthday, and Kim's impending nuptials. The bacon thing has to do with Baxter's plan to make an extravagant breakfast for Sam and her slumber party guests the following morning. Kim actually wants Baxter to leave, to go home. She says it several times, but he tells her that if she makes him leave, he won't be back, which is a crummy thing to say. Dude's a jerk. She doesn't want him sleeping in his car in front of her house, she wants him to go home, and he's refusing. The freezer: lots of people keep vodka in their freezer. 

 

 

Hopefully we'll find out more about the plot next time?

 

I'm confused by what you mean by plot. Kim's possession is part of the plot, but her engagement is a subplot. The next submission introduces what I consider a major plot point, but I don't know if you would because the doors don't factor in. Those are part of the big reveal, but a few things happen before we get there. The doors aren't the point of the story, but they will feature heavily, especially as things progress.

Edited February 25, 2016 by Marci

[Robinski he/him]

[Comments on Chapter 3]

 

I enjoyed this chapter a good deal. The conversation with the cat is excellent, and the destructiveness of the exchange between Baxter and Kim is well done, powerful stuff. I feel a level of emotional investment in these characters now that is beyond most I can think of from pieces on this forum.

 

A few details below the line, but the one slight concern I have going forward is the balance between the fantastical elements and the dramatic. The family/romantic drama themes are very strong, but fantastical themes I think are starting to be marginalised by the strength of the emotional ones.

 

Finally, “Baxter didn’t need to be told twice.” – I don’t know what happened here at the end. Is she directing him toward her stash? I really thought the conversation went beyond that, reached a much, much darker place. As a beat to end the chapter, I'm left confused. After what he said, I would rather see him leaving, never to come back (apparently). I can’t believe his performance at the end for only about getting at her stash (if you’ll pardon the expression).

 

Anyway, really good job here. Now I'm hoping we get a good strong dose of the fantastical in the next chapter(s) to ensure the grounding of the story in those themes. What I'm hoping not to read is ten pages of Baxter wallowing in self-pity.

 

Good job, don’t stop!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Some great lines in Baxter’s repartee with the cat, really enjoyable.

 

“Her sharp gaze took in the plateau” – I think you mean ‘tableau’?

 

“That’s funny.” Baxter gestured at the cat. “He said the exact same thing.” – rofl.

 

“and her friends off of the ledge” – I see this plenty, and I always ask, what function does the ‘of’ serve, apart from stinking up the sentence? Nobody says, ‘Let’s climb on of the ledge’. It makes no sense and sounds bad, I think. ‘...down from the ledge’ would avoid the argument, I suppose.

 

“a requiem for a dream cast in platinum” – great line, awesome film.

 

“More the fool, him.” – huh?

 

“In front of Samantha. In front of everyone” – the scumbag!

 

“causing him to briefly stumble briefly” –

 

“her mother’s boy toy” – Really? How much younger is the neurologist? It makes Kim sound old.

 

“You kind of missed the boat, in case you hadn’t noticed” – this feel like repetition of an earlier line.

 

“I figured bacon might help make up a little for the whole absentee father thing” – Rofl, bacon makes up for everything.

 

“and your Motley Crüe lifestyle” – Oh please, he does not have an MC lifestyle from what I’ve seen. A swig of bourbon and a reefer? Amateur. It does raise an interesting question. At what point is a character making a ‘wrong’ statement their ‘fault’ and when is the author culpable, or maybe it’s irony.

[Mandamon he/him]

A few details below the line, but the one slight concern I have going forward is the balance between the fantastical elements and the dramatic. The family/romantic drama themes are very strong, but fantastical themes I think are starting to be marginalised by the strength of the emotional ones.

 

 

This is what I meant about not seeing the plot, though Robinksi has explained it much better.

 

 

Also, just a note, but you seem to be explaining a lot in your responses and giving us new information not in the book.  In my experience, if you have to do that, then it means that explanation may be missing from the book, or not clear enough for the reader.  The challenge is to encode that information so the reader doesn't have the question in the first place.

 

Interested to see what happens next week!

[Marci she/her]

Anyway, really good job here. Now I'm hoping we get a good strong dose of the fantastical in the next chapter(s) to ensure the grounding of the story in those themes. What I'm hoping not to read is ten pages of Baxter wallowing in self-pity.

 

Heh. The next chapter is a sequel, and of course there's some wallowing, but hopefully you'll be okay with how I handle it.

 

 

Good job, don’t stop!

 

Thanks so much!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Her sharp gaze took in the plateau” – I think you mean ‘tableau’?

 

Ugh. OMG YES. Why do I always screw up the two?

 

 

“her mother’s boy toy” – Really? How much younger is the neurologist? It makes Kim sound old.

 

Heh. Baxter's the "old" one, here. He's 38, Kim's 30. Evan's right in the middle, at 34.

 

 

“I figured bacon might help make up a little for the whole absentee father thing” – Rofl, bacon makes up for everything.

 

Just about! Hmm. Now I'm going to have to fry up some for myself...   

 

 

“and your Motley Crüe lifestyle” – Oh please, he does not have an MC lifestyle from what I’ve seen. A swig of bourbon and a reefer? Amateur. It does raise an interesting question. At what point is a character making a ‘wrong’ statement their ‘fault’ and when is the author culpable, or maybe it’s irony.

 

Haha! Yes, it was meant as irony. 

[Marci she/her]

Also, just a note, but you seem to be explaining a lot in your responses and giving us new information not in the book.  In my experience, if you have to do that, then it means that explanation may be missing from the book, or not clear enough for the reader.  The challenge is to encode that information so the reader doesn't have the question in the first place.

 

Heh. I've basically spoiled you lot on the whole plot of the book already. I think my biggest challenge here is dealing with a brain damaged character who doesn't understand what the heck is happening around him half the time, or why. For me, this aspect of the story is the most frustrating. I struggle with what information to give the reader, outside of hints, when Baxter's access to that information is absent, or fleeting at best.

 

 

Interested to see what happens next week!

 

Thanks, I'm glad you're still along for the ride.

[Robinski he/him]

Heh. Baxter's the "old" one, here. He's 38, Kim's 30. Evan's right in the middle, at 34.

In that case, Evan's not a 'toy boy', as he would need to be younger than Kim.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Robinski

[Marci she/her]

Gotcha. Point taken!

[Asmodemon he/him]

Well, the others have already dissected this submission pretty well, I don’t have much more to add to that. The emotional conversations and the fallout between Baxter and Kim are pretty strong stuff, but Baxter’s mental issues and the presence of magic/portals/possession/talking animals does make things confusing.

 

Ghost’s gender: I didn’t get in the last chapter that the entity possessing Kim was a woman, but that’s fine. What I found a bit weird was that when Baxter asks Kim how she knew it was a woman, she says: “She was kind of preoccupied with my breasts”. Why would another woman be so preoccupied with another woman’s breasts? From that line I’d more expect the ghost to be a man…

 

Shock: I didn’t really get the feeling that Kim was in shock by the possession. As I read chapter two I really started to wonder how much Kim actually knows about Baxter, his powers, and what’s going on.

 

Time jump: I read your summary first, so I knew there was a time jump going in, but as I was reading the submission I missed the time jump until halfway through chapter three. Between the end of chapter two, driving Kim to her home, and chapter three, where Baxter got home (at least what I thought was his home on the first read-through and was actually Kim’s), felt like a maybe a difference of an hour or so. That made the rest of the chapter confusing, since I still thought he’d just seen Kim. You do make references to something that happened months ago, but it didn’t click that the events of months ago were actually chapter two.

 

Cat: I liked the banter between Baxter and the cat, but it did make me scratch my head. It’s yet another form of magic (or Baxter’s madness?) in a relatively short time. Now we’ve got interdimensional portals, possession, talking animals, and whatever it is that’s causing these mental issues in Baxter. I wonder if it’s a bit much?

 

Divorced: Okay, chapter three makes it pretty clear that these two are divorced, a lot more than chapter one did. Or, since that was before the seven month time-skip, were they still together in chapter one? I get confused about that. I remember Baxter making references to the two of them having sex back in chapter one, and that made me assume they were still together. Also with the fact that Kim went with him on his wild goose chase – if they were broken up, would she have also done that?

 

Heh. Baxter's the "old" one, here. He's 38, Kim's 30. Evan's right in the middle, at 34.

Hm, I was picturing them all a lot younger…

 

Heh. I've basically spoiled you lot on the whole plot of the book already. I think my biggest challenge here is dealing with a brain damaged character who doesn't understand what the heck is happening around him half the time, or why. For me, this aspect of the story is the most frustrating. I struggle with what information to give the reader, outside of hints, when Baxter's access to that information is absent, or fleeting at best.

 

 

The mental issues do make things more confusing to read. On the one hand I’m keen to keep reading to find out what’s happening, but on the other hand we’re three chapters in and I’m still confused about everything that’s happening, which is very frustrating, and when I get frustrated with a story I’m more likely to stop reading.

 

It makes me wonder how much of Baxter’s mental issues you actually need plot-wise and if you could tone down on his issues (especially the memory problems) in order to make the story more clear. The fact that you’re explaining a lot of things here in the comments is a clear indicator that something essential is missing from the story itself.

[Marci she/her]

Ghost’s gender: I didn’t get in the last chapter that the entity possessing Kim was a woman, but that’s fine. What I found a bit weird was that when Baxter asks Kim how she knew it was a woman, she says: “She was kind of preoccupied with my breasts”. Why would another woman be so preoccupied with another woman’s breasts? From that line I’d more expect the ghost to be a man…

 

Ha! Okay, so... I'm assuming you're not a woman.

 

 

Shock: I didn’t really get the feeling that Kim was in shock by the possession. As I read chapter two I really started to wonder how much Kim actually knows about Baxter, his powers, and what’s going on.

 

Thank you, I thought the same. I hate to explain anything further, but Kim is stoic to a fault.

 

 

Time jump: I read your summary first, so I knew there was a time jump going in, but as I was reading the submission I missed the time jump until halfway through chapter three. Between the end of chapter two, driving Kim to her home, and chapter three, where Baxter got home (at least what I thought was his home on the first read-through and was actually Kim’s), felt like a maybe a difference of an hour or so. That made the rest of the chapter confusing, since I still thought he’d just seen Kim. You do make references to something that happened months ago, but it didn’t click that the events of months ago were actually chapter two.

 

I think I need to just come out and say that chapter one is a prologue.

 

 

Divorced: Okay, chapter three makes it pretty clear that these two are divorced, a lot more than chapter one did. Or, since that was before the seven month time-skip, were they still together in chapter one? I get confused about that. I remember Baxter making references to the two of them having sex back in chapter one, and that made me assume they were still together. Also with the fact that Kim went with him on his wild goose chase – if they were broken up, would she have also done that?

 

No, not together. She'd warmed up to him at that point, but they were not technically together. I thought I'd gotten that across, but apparently not. Thank you for pointing this out. Kim went on a wild goose chase with him because they're friends above all else, and have a child together.

 

 

It makes me wonder how much of Baxter’s mental issues you actually need plot-wise and if you could tone down on his issues (especially the memory problems) in order to make the story more clear. The fact that you’re explaining a lot of things here in the comments is a clear indicator that something essential is missing from the story itself.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I'm taking it into consideration.