[Bands Spoilers] Completely true plot of The Lost Metal!

[Lightflame he/him]

I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when Brandon suddenly fell from the sky, landing right in front of me. Apparently, he had forgotten all about our last meeting, and had no idea where his notes for the third Stormlight Archive book went. (That's why he had to change it to Oathbringer.) He was searching the sky, hoping to find them in a cloud. I returned the notes to him, and as thanks, he gave me his notes for The Lost Metal, for "safekeeping".

 

Well, might as well spoil it all for you guys. Here goes.

 

- The opening flashback chapter is Wax shooting the tail off of the dog, who turns out to be TenSoon.

- Mister Suit wasn't actually killed in the explosion, just shrunk down to be three inches tall. Wax catches him and stuffs him in his pocket, but Wayne trades a shoelace for him.

- The red Kandra want to destroy Scadrial to make way for a new Hyperspace Bypass.

- The Southern Scadrians are actually evil, and invent fast food as a way of crippling the Northerners.

- Wax gets arrested for drinking and Steeljumping.

- Aradel sends the team to investigate the Southern Scadrians after they run out of boy toys and have to give him a girl toy will his Smiley Meal.

- It's revealed that a year back, Wayne sold the theatre rights to his adventures with Wax and Marasi. Unfortunately, he sold them to Scadrial!Adam Sandler, so in the play Wayne is really fat and keeps getting hit in the nuts by coins, Marasi's entire character is "boobs" (and MeLaan somehow gets cast as her), Lessie farts whenever she gets shot, and Wax at one point has to drink his own urine to refill his steel.

- Marasi's statistics are used to invent racial profiling.

- Miles is resurrected by the metric god and changes his name to 1.60934 Kilometres.

- Bloody Tan's brothers, Bloody Sin and Bloody Cos, come to kill Wax for revenge. They mistake a drawing of him for the real deal and capture it instead.

- After finding Garlic Atium, Marasi realizes that the Ascendant Wario has arrived.

- To draw out Telsin, Steris and Wayne pretend to be Game Show hosts, and tell her that she's won A BRAND NEW CAR!

- Sazed gets split in two when Preservation tells Ruin, "I think we should see other Shards."

- Nazh betrays Khriss and steals her Cosmeremobile, intending to deliver it to Hitler. She should have seen it coming, since his name is one letter off from Nazi.

- Wayne invents moving pictures to get Ranette's sex tape, but ends up getting Wax and Steris's by mistake.

- Marasi learns that the Southern Scadrians plan to destroy Elendel by dropping a giant cheese wheel on it.

- MeLaan evacuates Elendel by using her abilities to convince everyone that the zombie apocalypse is coming.

- The One-Eyed Spike Man is Asmodean, who wasn't killed, but was transported to the Cosmere. However, he gets killed right after showing up, meaning we are once again asking who killed Asmodean.

- Wax, Marasi, Wayne, Steris, and MeLaan cover Elendel in dough and tomato sauce, so that instead of destroying it, the Southern Scadrians turn it into the world's largest pizza.

- Allik captures Telsin and tortures her by burning a mask onto her face, completing her transformation into Darth Vader.

- Trell is Honor before he's had his coffee.

- Hoid gets abducted by aliens, but leaves behind his briefcase so that Wayne can become the new Hoid.

- Marasi is Dalinar's wife.

- Wax learns that his entire family is still alive, and they're all evil, since evil is House Ladrian's chief export.

- Steris ends the civil war by selling model trains to everyone living outside of Elendel.

- One third of the book is devoted to Marsh's epic romance with Sophi Tarscel.

- The Set abduct Steries, asking for a small ransom of one million boxings.

- The leader of the Set is revealed to be Ham's oracle head, furious that he was forgotten by history.

- Aradel is actually just a parrot that everyone thought was a guy.

- Wax goes to save Steris, but she's completely possessed by Trell, and he has to shoot and kill her. As he's grieving, MeLaan eats her bones so that Lord Harms won't know Steris is dead and attempt retaliation.

- Bloody Cos and Bloody Sin get beaten up by the drawing of Wax. They warn the Set of it's power, and the Set flees to Nalthis in terror.

- TenSoon is caught banging wolfhounds and neutered.

- Marasi finishes off the remainder of Trell's forces with a spray bottle of Trell repellent.

- MeLaan just gives up on clothes all together. Naked Steris in the Senate.

- Wayne realizes that the only way to atone for his crimes is to go back in time and become the man he will eventually kill. His last words to Allriandre are, "I banged ur mom, lol."

- With Wayne too dead to become the new Hoid, Marasi becomes the new Hoid instead.

- House Tekial gets destroyed (again) by Odium, but he swears it was an accident.

- Wax is so consumed by grief that he pushes Scadrial back closer to the Sun.

- The book ends with Ghost Vin putting the world's largest bandage on Taln's Scar.

 

And that's all! The last adventure of Wax and Wayne is a wild ride. I hope you're satisfied with this ending I've spoiled.

[The Ninja Yodeler he/him]

The red Kandra want to destroy Scadrial to make way for a new Hyperspace Bypass.

Well, they can hardly complain about it. The plans have been on open display for over a millennium now.

[KnightGradient]

Steris dying is one of the saddest things in the series. Second only to Vin and Elend dying, but above finding out Wayne isn't gonna play the Hoi diddle diddle.

[The Invested Beard]

- The Set abduct Steries, asking for a small ransom of one million boxings.

 

[Heir of the Void he/him]

- Wayne realizes that the only way to atone for his crimes is to go back in time and become the man he will eventually kill.

 

The man in plaid fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

[imriel452]

Upvote for the Dark Tower Reference

[mullman]

Guys were missing the most important part. Brandon Sanderson fell from the sky do you know what this means? Brandon is a windrunner!!

[Rasarr she/her]

Guys were missing the most important part. Brandon Sanderson fell from the sky do you know what this means? Brandon is a windrunner!!

 

He could be a Skybreaker, though... 

[vineyarddawg]

Wow, so Brandon wasn't kidding, his rough drafts really are "very rough."