20160125 - Shrike76 - Angel: Ch. 1 (2800 words)

[Shrike76]

Hello everyone. Here's the first chapter of a fantasy novel (with a working title I dislike but haven't spent a lot of cycles on), probably somewhere in the YA range. All feedback is appreciated, but if anyone also has time to poke at the questions below, that would help very much.

  -   How much of a feel do you have for each of the characters? How old do you think Giselle is?

  -   How much of a feel did you get for the setting?

  -   Was there anything that confused you, or that you didn’t believe.

  -   My first drafts are often short on details.  Is there anything you would have wanted a longer description of?

[king007]

Well, critiquing is not always showing the parts someone's done wrong, a big part of it is actually telling them what they did right and in your case, I can't spot anything wrong at all. Maybe that's because I'm an inexperienced reader, but a reader I am nonetheless.

 

- I'm hooked by the story. I crave to read more.

- The characters seem very authentic and I can easily relate to them.

- Your writing is very fluid and keeps me reading more and more.

- I'm very curious about the other sister and I loved that you did not show her in this first chapter. Halfway through, I actually hoped that you wouldn't because it would somehow spoil the intrigue you've built up, and you delivered on that hope. So thank you!

- I learned a bit about how to make candles today, yay!

- Nice introduction for the angels. Not too much about them but enough to keep your curiosity going.

 

Those are the main things, which I can think of, that you did right.

I know that a writer wants to be told that he's done well in certain parts. That gives him validation and boosts his motivation. But a writer also wants to know what he did wrong to improve his work. In that, I can't help you. As I already told you, I did not see anything wrong. I'm sure the other guys will be of greater help.

 

Can't wait for your next submission!

 

Edit: I just saw your first post questions, so I'll answer them:

- I am mostly curious about the sister. But I also like Giselle very much, and I honestly don't know why since she's only been an annoying brat for the whole chapter, but I do like her and like to see what happens to her next. I think her age is 13-15 12.

- Well there wasn't much of a setting but I like what I'm reading so far.

- Now that I'm answering this question, I'm starting to question my intelligence because I initially thought that the waxfruit is something real.

- I found the amount of description to be appropriate. It added to the intrigue, and personally I like to slowly discover the world and stay curious about it rather than too much description that take me away from what's actually happening.

Edited January 26, 2016 by king007

[Mandamon]

This was well written, as usual.  Just a few things I noticed below.

reading this was a little strange because Giselle is so focused on Leni, and we don't even see her sister in the first chapter.  I feel like I'm waiting for something, and I'm not sure whether it's good or bad to be feeling that.

The end of the chapter was almost a letdown for me because I was expecting some sort of resolution, rather than once again not seeing Leni, and Giselle waiting on her.

I really liked the appearance of the angels above.  I'm interested to learn more about them, and what they're intentions are.

The waxfruit was cool.

I'm definitely looking forward to finding out what's up with Leni.  Since it was the solution suggested, I'm inclined to believe she's not pregnant.  My first thought, for some reason, was that she was turning into an angel.

Also interested to see if this is all from Giselle's POV, or if some chapters are from Leni or someone else.

 

 

Notes:

 

Bottom of pg 3: "impurities" three times in a row.  You might want to find another word

 

pg 4: "They lanced across the sky like pulled-apart balls of cotton, so it wouldn’t rain if she could get away to be with her friends for the afternoon but it would be windy."

--awkward sentence

 

pg 7: "Reyna cut her off, pressing a single finger to Giselle’s lips."

I'm reminded of too many comedies with this description.  It sort of loses its meaning.

 

 

For your questions:

--I originally put Giselle at early to mid teens, but based on the drawing in the dirt later and not really knowing/thinking about pregnancy, I'd maybe put her at 10-12?

--Looking back, there wasn't a lot of description on the setting, but I wasn't bothered.  I imagined a small village, poor folk, and the angels, which presumably come from somewhere richer.

--I don't think I was confused by anything

--I think the length of this chapter worked.  My big issue, as I said above, was that I wasn't sure about not seeing Leni.

[Shrike76]

- I'm very curious about the other sister and I loved that you did not show her in this first chapter. Halfway through, I actually hoped that you wouldn't because it would somehow spoil the intrigue you've built up, and you delivered on that hope. So thank you!

- Nice introduction for the angels. Not too much about them but enough to keep your curiosity going.

 

Thank you for the comments! I'd debated about adding an early scene with the sister and decided to leave it as is. We'll see how that works out in the long run. Similarly with the angels, I didn't want them too front and center because I was worried that it would cause problems, so I went with this first glimpse. Time will tell on that front as well how readers react to them.

[Shrike76]

reading this was a little strange because Giselle is so focused on Leni, and we don't even see her sister in the first chapter.  I feel like I'm waiting for something, and I'm not sure whether it's good or bad to be feeling that.

The end of the chapter was almost a letdown for me because I was expecting some sort of resolution, rather than once again not seeing Leni, and Giselle waiting on her.

I really liked the appearance of the angels above.  I'm interested to learn more about them, and what they're intentions are.

 

pg 4: "They lanced across the sky like pulled-apart balls of cotton, so it wouldn’t rain if she could get away to be with her friends for the afternoon but it would be windy."

--awkward sentence

 

--I think the length of this chapter worked.  My big issue, as I said above, was that I wasn't sure about not seeing Leni.

 

 

Thanks! As I said to King007 above, I struggled with representing Leni in this chapter or not. Same with the angels. The next chapter should start to answer some of those questions. I'd actually cropped this chapter and moved a scene to the beginning of Chapter 2. We'll see if that worked or not next week I guess, or if it would have worked better as a finale to this one.

And yeah, that's a pretty horrible sentence on pg 4

[king007]

Something else I forgot to mention. At the end, I thought Giselle was going to follow her sister and catch her in the act. I don't know why she stayed at the house waiting. Given her personality, I thought she would be more daring and curious to know why exactly her sister has been ill for so long, as obviously she was so annoyed by that.

Now, that I think back on it, I remember feeling disappointed when I read that she just sat there on a chair waiting for her Leni to come back.

 

But other that that, I would honestly buy a book that starts with this chapter.

And I AM indeed waiting for that next submission!

[Robinski]

Detailed comments below, but in summary I really enjoyed this. We get a nice picture of family life as the stable basis for jumping off into some kind of adventure. The clues are there and, clearly, there is something mysterious going on. I think you left just enough hints to engage the reader, but avoided being heavy-handed.

 

Giselle seems like a good character. Even though she is a bit petulant at her sister’s alleged malingering, and with her mother, it’s nothing more than would be expected from a young girl in her situation, and there are signs that she usually happy and well adjusted.

 

I think the writing is good, very engaging – welcoming and comfortable, with touches of humour and enjoyable details that feel right and recognisable from memories of childhood. The girls making a picture of a bird with flower petals, the process of making wax and dye from fruit, it’s background, but it roots the reader in the setting.

 

A couple of points were perhaps slightly lacking for me, setting being one. I think some touches of description would have enhanced the chapter – a highlight here and there with one sense or other. I mention the ‘home’ below and how we have no indication of what it is or looks like. My other point is maybe a tad of wordiness here and there, where pruning would improve flow. I might characterise it as sometimes going over the same point or detail more than once – something I have done myself in the past (hopefully cured).

 

All-in-all, a very nice opening to a story, promising a tale of mortals becoming entangled with the affairs of the ‘angels’. More please!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

“imagining that she was driving her blade into her sister’s ribs instead” – awesome first paragraph, instant conflict and intrigue to find out what that conflict is.

 

“out behind their home” – Although there is no setting until this line, I felt very much like they are in a kitchen, purely from the task they are performing, so I was surprised to find they were outside, and I had t recalibrate my already-formed (assumed) impression of the setting.

 

“gotten rid of” – this is cumbersome – ‘disposed’ saves a syllable, ‘buried’ sounds shorter still.

 

“You’re dropping globs of it onto your skirt” – Don’t know if you used the old read out lout trick to test authenticity of dialogue, but I think in a casual setting with a family member, most people drop a lot of words because there is an innate understanding of what is meant. If you were shooting a scene on film (or digital), you might even reduce it to “Look, you’re dropping it!” – but you're not, of course.

 

“speed and precision that came from decades of practice” – another first impression confounded. I assumed that this was a young-ish girl helping her mother in the kitchen, but if her sister has decades of experience, I'm thinking at least 2 or 3, so she must me in her thirties, maybe? – Ah, Zanija is the mother, that’s unclear, I think, because we’ve been talking about the sister.

 

“two empty bucks” – is this a slang term for bucket that I don’t know, or a typo?

 

“but it wouldn’t kill you to show her a little bit of compassion” – this seems like adult language

 

“having an angel’s shadow pass over a person’s was a rare blessing to be sure” – thought this phrasing was awkward – nice idea though.

 

said Reyna, sounding unable to keep the excitement from her voice” – again, awkward and unnecessary.

 

“but it was close enough, and the wind would blow away their creation, so soon enough that it wouldn’t matter anymore” – (suggested because of repetition of enough)

 

“between it’s its noonday peak”

 

“A noise flutter of heavy wings” – something up here.

 

“main part of the home” – I'm not keen on your use of home here. It’s the second instance. ‘Home’ is a word that almost completely lacks all description. Is there a reason that you don’t use cottage or house, etc.? It could be a castle for all that the word ‘home’ tells the reader.

 

How is Giselle seeing things in the house, it must be pitch black, is it not? Even then, seeing his mother’s shape in the bed is one thing, artistic licence maybe, but it was the chamber pot in the corner that made me question this – that must be a dark, dark corner, no?

 

“Was Reyna was right, thought Giselle. Could Leni really be pregnant?” – the sense of this seems wrong – it’s one question, but the first part is a statement.

 

There seem to be a lot of instances of Leni’s name in the preceding paragraphs, I wonder if that part would be improved by simplification.

 

“from her bedroom to the main room near the still-warm stove” – isn’t there a better (more descriptive) word for ‘main room’? Is it the living room? I suppose maybe it’s a kitchen / dining / living room / parlour sort of single room.

[Robinski]

I'm with King on not showing Leni in the first chapter. I think you need that layer of mystery. I take Mandamon's point about feeling that I'm waiting for something, but I don't see the harm in that for the first chapter. Maybe Leni has been whisked away (whoosh of air), by an angel and we won't see her for ages. If that is your tactic, it really builds up the significance of their first meeting (reuniting) in the book, but maybe she will be back in the morning. If so, I would imagine you have show a scene with the sisters together or it will start to feel like Leni is deliberately being hidden - which would be weird.

 

Anyway, to your questions:

 

  -   How much of a feel do you have for each of the characters? How old do you think Giselle is? I really only though about Giselle, I would say 11 or 12. I never felt she was any older, although I do mention certain dialogue coming over older, which felt off to me. The mother is a solid motherly character, unremarkable.

  -   How much of a feel did you get for the setting? I think more description needs in places, not screed, but some details sprinkled in. The word 'home' is very unhelpful!!  

  -   Was there anything that confused you, or that you didn’t believe. - Yes, Giselle's ability to see fine detail in the dark.

  -   My first drafts are often short on details.  Is there anything you would have wanted a longer description of?  General setting, but not 'longer description'. A short sentence here and there. 'The sun shone on the cottage's flaking, white paint.' A visual cue here and there.

 

Minor riposte - I didn't mind the sentence on Page 4 - bit wordy, just needs edited.

[king007]

Maybe Leni has been whisked away (whoosh of air), by an angel and we won't see her for ages. If that is your tactic, it really builds up the significance of their first meeting (reuniting) in the book.

 

Haha I actually thought about that too while reading. I wouldn't mind at all if the story goes in that direction. It seems very interesting and fun!

[Shrike76]

Thanks for the comments, Robinski. It's a first draft and so it doesn't surprise me that I'm short on descriptions, but I appreciate readers pointing out exactly what they felt was missing.

For the most part, you guys seem to be asking the sort of story questions that I'm aiming to provide answers for in the next chapter or three, so I think that's working well enough. Time will tell.

Thanks again!

[Marci]

Hello! *waves*

 

As a member of the YA Appreciation Society, I very much enjoyed the submission. I'll outline points below:

 

The Technical Stuff: Pretty much flawless and easy to read. You're speaking at the YA audience level without speaking down to them. What you have here is something a kid of any age can enjoy.

 

Giselle: I got the feeling she was 11 or 12. She reminded me a lot of my oldest niece, which is what helped me come to this conclusion. I love how hassled and resentful she feels, along with her mother's gentle reminders to keep the 'tude in check. Heh. I don't have sprogs of my own, but with my crazy-big family, I'm around them enough to recognize Giselle's fit of pique over her sister's lack of contribution toward chores, family life, everyone else being sooooo concerned with Leni when Leni is obviously faking her illness, etc. Kids, man!

 

Family Life: I liked getting a good glimpse of what Giselle's family life is like. It seems full of toil, if not quiet—which I'm already convinced won't last for long!

 

Reyna: Sometimes you need a good friend who'll instruct you to stop being such a donkey's tail end. I like her take on the Leni situation.

 

Leni's Pregnancy: Eeep! This is exactly the kind of detail a girl Giselle's age would be stunned to hear. Leni might be older, but she's still the her sister. I also get the feeling that while Giselle resents her older sister, she also looks up to her, which is why she feels the resentment so keenly. 

 

Also, seriously, Giselle comes off as a little bit of a control freak, which I identify with oh, so much. I laughed at this line:

 

 

 

Ester squatted down and carefully placed the yellow discs of the daisies into place. They weren’t exactly where Giselle would have put them, but it was close enough, and the wind would blow away their creation soon enough that it wouldn’t matter anymore. 

 

It didn't bother me that Leni didn't physically show up in this chapter. She's almost like a specter, a symbol of Giselle's frustration, if only because she feels as if her sister has betrayed her by not leaning on and confiding in her any longer. Her sister has outpaced her, has left her behind, and it hurts! 

 

Overall, I feel this was a very successful opening. You're feeding us just the right amount of information, and you're moving the story along just fine, IMHO. I look forward to reading the next part!

[Shrike76]

Thanks Marci, it's good to hear that some of the elements are working for some readers, and based on your response I can already some things which I could punch up more than i did in the first draft.

Much appreciated!