I Wrote Something, Would You Like to Read It?

[CarolaDavar]

Here's a little story I wrote, And i would like comments on it if you have the time!

Part 1:

Carolyn dashed through the dense forest, ducking to avoid arrows. She hadn’t planned on this; she’d planned for this to be a normal day. Swerving, she avoided another entourage of arrows. She checked the Palace jewels in her pocket, they were still in tact. She searched desperately for a place to hide; the castle guard were close behind, and she did not want to get caught.

a week before

Carolyn checked her black and white, lace outfit, and blushed. She glanced at where Blaze stood shaking his head.

“Did we really have to turn me into a maid?” Carolyn asked, twirling to check the feel. “i think i’d prefer a less girly role.”

“Maids are less conspicuous. Though, i guess you could be a stable boy . . .” Blaze’s raspy voice cut off with laughter at the image.

“fine,” Carolyn replied, cracking her knuckles, “I’ll do anything for those jewels.”

“Off you go, i wish i could come, but they’d recognize me too quickly”

She gave him a quick hug, “thank you, big brother, I love you.”

“Remember, change disguise every day, keep in the act, and, most importantly, don’t get caught.”

The next few days flew by, as Carolyn traded stations each day, keeping low. The first day, she served the royalty, which consisted of the King, the Queen, the Princess twins, and the quartet of Princes; and wow, did the nobility eat. She’d worked tirelessly, coming at the beck and call of all eight members of the nobility. The next day she served as a messenger boy, she’d cut her lovely red hair short, and shoved it in her cap, so she wouldn’t be noticed. The third day, she tried doing something a little more bold, acting as one of the Chef’s apprentices. With that tried, the next day, she attempted to act as Princess Reyla’s personal maid, checking to see what Reyla knew about the Queen’s jewelry. The fifth day, Reyla elevated her to be Queen Elovere’s servant, giving her the perfect chance the next day to view the Palace jewels when the Queen traveled to a party.

When she helped Elovere take off the jewels, she hid them in a secret pocket instead of putting them away. Everything was just perfect, as it should be, all she needed to do was get back to Blaze, and they’d have all the money they needed for the rest of their lives. It was the next day that she didn’t expect.

It started out as every good day does, she woke up, got dressed and prepared to sneak out of the palace the way she got in. The jewels resting in her pocket, zipped so it wouldn’t fall out.

She wore a bright yellow dress, matched with a wig and thick layers of makeup to look like Princess Reyla’s older sister. She walked with a straight back, and a straight face, across the floor, toward the door. She adjusted her silky gloves and the guards began to open the door for her . . . to a field full of soldiers. Her eyes widened. This wasn’t supposed to happen!

“Get her!” the door guard shouted. Carolyn dashed away from the door, cursing the long flowing dress. Thankfully, she’d wore pants and a shirt underneath, so she quickly pulled off her dress to have more mobile clothing, throwing the dress behind and catching the soldiers off guard. She checked the jewels in her pocket.

“She’s got the Palace Jewels!” a guard yelled, and arrows began to fire after her. What was her brother's advice? Keep in the act, don’t be caught? How had she been discovered in the first place? Was it a lighter skin tone? The wrong accent? The absence of jewels?

She didn’t know, but now was not the time to find out. She maneuvered through the busy streets, the soldiers seemed to have more trouble getting through the bustling streets. She slid under feet, and jumped over heads, feeling glad that her brother had taught her these skills. They couldn’t very well shoot arrows in the city, for fear of missing and hitting innocent passerby.

She soon reached the gates to leave the city, and left before the guards knew what was happening. She glanced back at the open gates; Soldiers were filling the empty space, firing at her, a hail of arrows hitting nearby trees. She panicked as an arrow hit her shirt, pinning her to the ground. She ripped the arrow away, tossing it behind her at the oncoming soldiers. She stood and picked up her pace. Where had her brother told her to meet him? A cave? He’d said she’d know which one, but she didn’t have time to thoroughly check each one. She quickly leapt into the next cave she saw as she dodged around trees and over branches.

Part 2:

One of the soldiers pointed at the large cave she’d hidden herself in. The other soldiers began shouting, most of them running away. Carolyn check the pockets with the Royal Jewels. The pocket had fell open, most of the jewels falling out; All except the green-jeweled necklace. She pressed the jewels in her hand, groaning and closing her eyes. She opened her eyes to see the last of the soldiers picking up the broken jewelry. She stood and checked her surroundings. She had no light, so her brother wouldn’t have picked this cave; But, why were the guards not entering the cave?

She couldn’t go outside, or the guards would arrest her, so she stayed, catching her breath. She looked at the necklace and screamed in surprise; the guards outside the cave glanced at her questioningly. She looked back to make sure it hadn’t been her imagination. The green jewels were glowing; They were glowing faintly, but surely. She had a light, so she decided to venture farther towards the back of the cave.

The cave didn’t end abruptly like most caves she’d seen did; instead it continued, down three different passages. The jewels glew brighter as she moved farther towards the back of the cave. She started down the left passageway, but the jewels glew so faint she could barely see, so she moved back. Carolyn tried the right passage, with similar results. With the middle being the only option left, she dashed towards it, the necklace shading lighter and lighter. Soon the necklace was glowing almost as bright as the sun, and she had to drop it and kick it forwad, still shading her eyes with her hand.

As she was nearing the end of the tunnel, her light abruptly cut off. Carolyn knew that it was dark, but she could still see as though it were light. She picked up the jewels and approached the end of the path cautiously. There she saw her dreams. She saw her Life. She saw . . . a diamond lamp. Pure diamond! she thought. How had this happened? Who left this here?

She padded softly across the stone floor and reached for the lamp.

Part 3:

What was the point in having a diamond lamp? Why not jewelry? Why would someone use the most precious gem for something as dull as a lamp?

Carolyn didn’t care. She dropped the jewels, and slowly backed away, expecting a trap. No such trap showed itself. The lamp was beautiful; it was worth millions, enough to get Blaze and herself started on a good life. And it was now hers.

Suddenly, black smoke poured out of the lamp, despite the fact that she hadn’t barely touched it. The smoke took the form of a human, pointing at her.

“THOU HAST GREED LIKE NONE OTHER,” It shouted. Then it stated, in a smaller voice, “For that, I am sorry for thou.”

Carolyn’s insides turned over, leaving her feeling sick. Her limbs seemed to stretch and bend at awkward angles, though it wasn’t painful. Though soon, the torment was over, and she was left in a small, diamond room.

The lamp. She was stuck inside the lamp.

“Hello!” she called. “Where am I?”

Suddenly, blackness spanned her vision again. Carolyn panicked, unable to tell what was going on. A small light appeared above her, then opened larger; She could soon see around herself again, but she was somwhere different. three men stood before her, wearing black and smiling. Carolyn tried to dash forward, but she couldn’t move. She heard someone speak, “P-please let me go.”

She looked down at herself. She jumped in surprise. This was not her body, it was somebody elses, and she was simply veiwing the events. As she watched her veiw seemed to zoom out, and she could see all of a little blonde girl, shivering in terror.

“We took you for a reason, little princess. We mean to kill you,” someone who seemed to be the group leader told her. His companions pulled out knives. The little girl screamed in terror, and the vision cut off; Carolyn found herself crying. Why had those men done that? She sat on the ground in the glass room, lost in thought.

Blackness spanned her vision again. This time, what she saw was small, like watching a very realistic puppet show. It showed a boy and a girl speaking to each other, though Carolyn couldn’t hear their hushed conversation. The conversation ended as the boy gave the girl a beautiful golden necklace. The girl smiled and stood as the boy walked away. It skipped forward to the night after that, the girl was asleep in bed, the chain sitting on her bedstand. A figure moved across the wall, presumably a theif. He snatched the necklace, and the girl’s eyes flew open at the motion.

The girl screamed jumping at the theif. Two more people appeared behind the girl, holding her back as the theif walked away with the necklace. After he left, the other two melted into the darkness, leaving the girl sobbing on her bed, shimmering tears streaming down her face. Carolyn watched in shocked silence, all thoughts wiped from her mind.

Two more scenes appeared, and Carolyn was forced to focus on one. In the middle of one, four more appeared. Soon, Carolyn was surrounded by scenes of murders, theiveries, and betrayals. She watched as many as the could until she was overwhelmed. She closed her eyes and screamed, “Stop! Leave me alone! Why do these people do such horrible things?”

She didn’t need anything to answer her question. She knew why. She herself had performed crimes such as these. Her shoulders shook, and she covered her eyes, tears making her hands and shirt soaked in the salty solution.

She took a moment to realize that she was released. A young man with blonde hair and black clothing stood, startled by her appearance.

“You may do what you wish,” She whispered, “I hope you don’t wish for greed.”

The young man was stuffed, screaming, into the lamp, leaving Carolyn alone. She stood for a moment, then left, leaving the lamp behind. She still had a job to do. She needed to find Blaze. She needed to share this message and change her life path.

She wouldn’t be Carolyn the Theif anymore; she would be Carolyn the charitable.

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

Sorry to nitpick, but the past tense of glow is glowed, not glew.

And both view and thief (and their various derivatives) take the 'i' before the 'e'.

There's others, but those two bugged me.

 

As to the story itself, it shows promise, but IMO there's room for improvement.

 

Some inconsistencies I spotted:

Carolyn conned her way into the palace as a maid, where did she get the outfits and wigs for her other acts?

 

Why would she change disguise daily? Wouldn't that increase her risk of being discovered?

If you have a reason* justification for it to be the opposite, that should be part of the story IMO.

(* Your reason is probably to show your character in a lot of situations, making clear how adaptable she is. What I mean is Carolyn's reason to change disguises)

 

How was the theft of the jewels discovered? Since you're writing only Carolyn's point of view, it might be hard to work this in, but if you don't, it's a rather large plot hole IMO. You can of course decide to leave this as it is, I've just got a personal dislike for deus ex machina plot events.

 

Taking off a dress while running away from guards... not easily done. At least, not as easily as you describe it (in comparison to other books, not firsthand experience).

 

On the the final paragraph, how much time did Carolyn spend in the lamp?

From the guards' reaction to the cave, I assume that it is rather infamous, would two people make the mistake of entering in a short period?

If a long time has passed, all very well, but from your intro I believe this is a standalone story. You've concluded the theme of your protagonist deciding to change her life, but you've done it in such a way that it throws up new questions. If you plan on continuing the story that's exactly what you want to do, not so much if this is the whole thing.

[CarolaDavar]

Sorry to nitpick, but the past tense of glow is glowed, not glew.

And both view and thief (and their various derivatives) take the 'i' before the 'e'.

There's others, but those two bugged me.

 

As to the story itself, it shows promise, but IMO there's room for improvement.

 

Some inconsistencies I spotted:

Carolyn conned her way into the palace as a maid, where did she get the outfits and wigs for her other acts?

 

Why would she change disguise daily? Wouldn't that increase her risk of being discovered?

If you have a reason* justification for it to be the opposite, that should be part of the story IMO.

(* Your reason is probably to show your character in a lot of situations, making clear how adaptable she is. What I mean is Carolyn's reason to change disguises)

 

How was the theft of the jewels discovered? Since you're writing only Carolyn's point of view, it might be hard to work this in, but if you don't, it's a rather large plot hole IMO. You can of course decide to leave this as it is, I've just got a personal dislike for deus ex machina plot events.

 

Taking off a dress while running away from guards... not easily done. At least, not as easily as you describe it (in comparison to other books, not firsthand experience).

 

On the the final paragraph, how much time did Carolyn spend in the lamp?

From the guards' reaction to the cave, I assume that it is rather infamous, would two people make the mistake of entering in a short period?

If a long time has passed, all very well, but from your intro I believe this is a standalone story. You've concluded the theme of your protagonist deciding to change her life, but you've done it in such a way that it throws up new questions. If you plan on continuing the story that's exactly what you want to do, not so much if this is the whole thing.

Thank you so much for your comments, i'll take them to thought.