12.21.15 - Eisenheim - That Sweet Music

[Eisenheim]

Don't be gentle because it's my first time.  I can handle it.  

 

This is part one of what will be 3 parts to fit the word limit.

[Shrike76 he/him]

I very much enjoyed this, although it was obviously all set-up for the second act. The characters are interesting, and so is the world. You've built the premise well enough and I like the players involved. You definitely have me interested enough that I want to see this story through.

 

P2 - "His voice and the richness and strength" - His voice had the...

P5 - "There were many stone fallen" - stones

P5 - "and neither can I?" - I don't see why this sentence would take a ? as it stands

P6 - ".. a deaf man hear? ... I’ll not have him hear.” - here, both times.

P7 - "with Gerri to back me" - without?

P8 - "one you know what I am hunting" - once

P10 - "She.? " - Double punctuation here.

P10 - "Emer MacSvith is a warrior, what swings between her legs, but it’s not her blade I want" - I don't understand this sentence at all, particularly the middle.

P11 - "She was as fair as Connor remembered" - This feels misattributed to Connor's mother rather than Emer, since she's the last "she" we see.

P12 - "Will here be blood?" - there

 

General stuff:

 - I think the long conversation on pages 2-3 could use some beats to break it up. At least one of the two is a bard, and the other is cleverer than he lets on, I'd like to see here him taking his measure of the other man through things both said and left unsaid.

 - Connor's mother is bedridden. Is he abandoning her to die while he's on his quest or is there someone to look after her?

 - I'm less sold on the interactions between Connor and Donn than anything else. Donn may be haughty but he needs Connor and he knows it, so I wonder why they seem to be constantly butting heads here over what appear to be trivial matters of pride. Especially since Donn doesn't win a single verbal battle of any size (starting at noon for the tracking, allowing the deaf Gerri to attend, mentioning the stolen horn, having a woman on the team, starting tracking the following day). It all makes Bonn seem almost socially incompetent, though that's obviously not the case if he's a bard.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- What do bowled strings sound like and how are they eerie? I think it needs to be more specific to be more effective.

 

- Haven't heard the name Gwydion since I read the Pyradain Chronicles by Lloyd Alexander. I'm interested to know if there are any similarities.

 

- I like the whole scene with Gerri. It's very ominous since Gerri isn't responding to them.

 

- I also like the concept of Gwydion being so powerful that he can raise a whole army - or even take a kingdom - with his song.

 

- Yeah, "what swings between her (Emer) legs" sounds very . . . odd, especially in the context of the rest of the sentence. 

 

- Overall, I'm interesting to see where it goes from here, especially with such a rag-tag group of characters. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Welcome to Reading Excuses!

 

I think Shrike got all the typos and incomplete sentences I saw.

 

Honestly, I don't have too many comments.  This is a good story, well written, and makes me want to read more.  It was a little slow to read, but that's more my own preference.  I like that Connor is proactive, forcing Donn to tell him the rest of the information.

 

Maybe my only concern is that there's not a lot of tension.  As Shrike says, the arguing between Donn and Conner reads as a little forced.  Yes, it's noble/singer vs. commoner, but a little more information on why Donn is so stuck up might help.  That's really the only tension I feel in the story so far.  I still want to read more, but as Connor isn't really concerned about catching up to Gwydion, neither am I.  Connor's a sell-sword, so he's not going to be as invested in any quest as the one paying him.  As far as I can tell, there's no threat to Conner's home or country and he's fighting to protect a not very powerful king in Eire.  

(Being prescriptive here so feel free to ignore...) Some other conflict to bring the risk home to Conner would up the tension.

 

In all, very nice story so far.  I haven't read a tale about Irish/Scottish bards in many years, and it's a little nostalgic!

[Eisenheim]

Big picture question, I guess, is whether you'd keep reading a story that started like this, or whether I need to kick up the tension early to keep eyeballs.

[Mandamon he/him]

I'd keep reading this, because it's well written, but extra tension would keep me interested longer rather than just finishing it to get to the end.

[rohyu he/him]

I like the world you set up. The magic system is interesting and I'd like to know the intricacies of it. One thought I had is that the magic doesn't seem like it has any downside or special requirement to use it, which makes me wonder why everyone doesn't use it. Am I wrong in my belief that not everyone uses it? I don't think you need to add in any more information about the magic system in the first chapter, but I'd like to know more about it sooner rather than later.

 

The pacing felt a little slow for my tastes. Some of the conversations felt like they dragged on a little too long. The conversation on page 2-3 that shrike mentioned is a good example.

 

If the marching song works on horses, why don't they all ride horses? I understand that the song makes humans fast on their own, but wouldn't it make traveling on horses even faster? Donn seems to be in a rush, and rich, so I would imagine he would want horses.

 

I would keep reading. I don't think you need to add anything to this chapter to raise the tension, but I'd like to see a fight or something similar within the next few chapters.

 

I'm looking forward to your next submission.

[Kammererite]

I really enjoyed reading this. I didn't mind the pace and would definitely keep reading. I like the dialogue and the Celtic theme, i often found my self doing awful Irish accents in my head when reading the characters.

 

Minor thing, for most of the story i was under the impression that Connor was a singer.

 

on page 11, Emer came to his mothers house....

I was really confused by the his, thinking it referred to Emer, because you had a seen brake above.

 

So how is it that there quarry already 3 days ahead of them. The timing on this seams off, there quarry should not be more then a day, day and a half ahead of them, and that if they are travelling at the same pace they are?

[AuthorityHellas16 he/him]

Very well written. The Celtic influence is very clear, but at the same time the magic is integrated nicely into it. I liked the characters, by and large, and the interactions between them were very good. The setting was well done; given the obvious Celtic influence, I had no problem imagining the surroundings. I like that you’re keeping us guessing about certain aspects of the story, which drags us along.

Given that this is a short story, you should try and cut down some of the descriptions and dialogue. I don’t know where the story’s going (though I’m very excited to find out!), so I won’t presume to tell you what’s needed. Just be aware that you should try and make every word count especially when you’re writing to a limit. Speaking from experience, I cut my novel from 212k to 115k words, and I managed to pack in more information and stuff happening even after cutting all that fluff! This is much more important if you’re aiming for 15-20k words.

I liked the characters largely, but Connor seemed a little bit of a blank slate; a mighty sellsword who works for the money and nothing else. I liked Emer and Gerri, and Donn was a beautifully written stuffy nobleman. I hope Connor has a little better motivation than “money,” just as I hope Gwydion has a different motivation to “power.” I’m willing to wait until the end, but at the moment these are the two least interesting characters to me.

Can’t wait for more. Keep writing!

Edited December 24, 2015 by AuthorityHellas16

[Robinski he/him]

Welcome to Reading Excuses. I gather from your email address that we are namesakes – how strange. Small world, and all that, before we even consider that RD (Pulfer) has the same initials! Anyway, enough babbling, on to your story. It’s a bit of a tome, I'm afraid, but only because I was so engaged by the story.

 

I enjoyed your style very much. I think that rich narrative and distinctive dialogue is hard to pull off, but for me, you pretty much nailed it. There were a couple of places where I felt it overdone a bit, overwritten. It’s difficult to strike a balance, and I think you could scale it back at some points. Is this a first or second draft? Either way, nothing was broken for me.

 

Your description of Emer is very detailed and paints an interesting background, but I'm moved to point out that, like many male authors (myself included), you go to great lengths to paint this portrait of her, whereas the male characters get no such detail. I know that SFF has a predominantly male audience still (although narrowing, I'm sure), but it verges towards being a double standard. You go on from there to suggest that the virtue of most female soldiers is easy (that’s how I took the comment). What about the men? It’s not that I'm a raging feminist, but I find myself becoming more conscious of these things is I (rapidly) get older.

 

Having said I enjoy the style, see my detailed comments below on the tone of the discussion between Emer and Connor. I think it is much too formal for lovers to begin with, but by the end has a much more natural and believable tone. Also, after the setup, I struggled at first with her throwing herself at him in this meeting, but I enjoyed the conflict it created, and it allowed her to control the conversation, which I think works well in the end.

 

I think you do an excellent job of showing the power of singing via Donn’s pipes, and not just describing what spells can do. That aspect is working well for me, very effective.

 

I really enjoyed this submission, and hope that there is (much) more to come. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I would say that I see similarities with my own style in terms of what I aim for in characterisation, but your plot / action is more direct than I tend to be (as my critics will attest! Right, guys?), so that’s good. I'm very much looking forward to reading more.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

My first comment (as I read) has to be the run-on sentences. I have been chronically guilty of this in the past, although I hope I'm getting better after a couple of trusted critics intervened.

 

“Many and enough knew...” – rather odd phrasing. I like the archaic tone, but the logic of this expression seemed lacking.

 

Connor MacTyre – excellent name, but I'm not sure why he would be in the service of a sell-sword, whose services would usually be for hire, unless both served in the same mercenary band, and he is like an ‘assistant’ sell-sword.

 

“His voice and had the richness and strength” - ?

 

“you have fought and slain singers before” – You couldn’t purge the world of Justin Bieber, could you? Seriously though, this sounds a little odd, but I get the point.

 

“King Math’s son”

 

“and sent me (to) hunt(ing) the bastard” – alternatives, the original sounded off to me.

 

“the fullness of Math’s gift if you take up with me” – maybe this is just the envoy’s prudishness about sell-swords, but it’s not a gift, surely, but payment / reward for a service.

 

By the end of the first section, I like Connor as a character. He’s suitably brash and confident for a mercenary who is still alive after some time. I like the character of Donn as well. It seems to me you’ve given him more than just one dimension as a servant of his lord. He is rather fastidious and seems to look down on hired help, although he himself is such.

 

“burning when he lifted them (to his nose)” - ?

 

“as though he counted every step and turn of the head against his gold and found them a poor investment” – fantastic line

 

“They can’t defend you against the song that broke these stones, and neither can I?” – not a question, I think.

 

“You brought a deaf man hear here?” – and the next one in the same paragraph.

 

“if the singer could read a lie in his voice” – Why could Donn not still hear a lie in Gerri’s voice? Gerri’s the one that can’t hear, after all.

 

“Temper or not, Gerri’s a fine tracker, and no traitor.  I’ll vouch for him, and you know you can trust that word, don’t you?  I’ll fetch him back, and then you can tell us both what devilry you think this son of Math is up to.  Your purse is heavy enough, but I won’t stick my hand into a trap for gold, not until I know the temper and the spring.” – I feel there is some repetition going on within this paragraph, but also in the preceding ones into this one, like this one is going over ground already covered.

 

 “without Gerri to back me”

 

“He looked at Gerri and spoke slow and carefully, as if the big man were addled instead of deaf.” – suggestion. It’s more satisfying for the reader to be allowed to see these little nuggets – It’s show-don’t-tell.

 

“He could see Donn considering it,”

 

“He (who?) needed glory more than gold to win the hand of some king’s daughter and make himself as much a lord as his grandfather had been in Norseland.  He had been was right.” – I wasn’t clear who the subject was here. At first, it could have been Donn. Also, he still is right.

 

“I hope you will not be so craven as to refuse my service one you know what I am hunting.” This sounds like he is offering his service to them. Also, it’s not his service, but his master’s, surely.

 

“He cut his horn from the great bull” – this phrasing sounded off to me. I would say ‘its horn’ if it’s the horn that made the rod, or ‘the horn’ if you refer it to the bull.

 

“I’ll take your gold, strawhead.” – LOL – excellent. I think this is a strong sign of good writing, when a writer infuses secondary players with character by a simple phrase, description or act. Nice work – I like this very much.

 

“Stronger than you have ever tasted” – how do you taste a tune? Seems like a misplaced metaphor.

 

“How soon can you be ready, and how will your friend keep up?” – two questions.

 

“Emer MacSvith is a warrior, what swings between her legs, but it’s not her blade I want” – the phrasing confused me. What does swing between her legs? Seems like something in the phrasing is missing.

 

“now that his quarry had the mighty horn” – do they actually know this for a fact? I thought it was a legend, and not certain that he had it. If he does, then it must be a known fact that this mighty horn was laid in the barrow, so why has there not been a line of megalomaniacs attempting to raid the place every night for the past hundred years?

 

“wondered if he should have demanded more” – I thought this a little odd. Connor made a request, then Donn promised a greater reward, now Connor is thinking he could have got more still? Also, I know he’s a sell-sword, but something about his manner suggests another motivation. Somehow, I'm not 100% convinced by his apparent money-grabbing mindset, as if he has a higher purpose. Dunno, not sure exactly what is niggling me on this point.

 

“his mother was bedridden with a stubborn winter’s chill. She was as fair...” – this phrasing sounds like the mother is fair; again “...fine golden hair burned to bronze by the sun, which she wore in two long braids...” to the ear – it sounds like she wears the sun in her hair (Hmm, that sounds rather good, that’s mine! I'm using that...Ed.)

 

[comments on description of Emer above as a main point, also...]

 

“as were many women that fought as men” – hmm, treading on thin ice here, I thought. I presume this story is not going to pass the Bechdel Test. Also, I would say that the sentence that follows this phrase is one of the longest I have ever read on Reading Excuses, but some of mine are probably longer – not in a good way.

 

“unless I should also so desire” – their dialogue up to and including this point, is very stilted. I think the formal tone works well between men who have never met (Connor and Donn), but not here between two people who have shared a bed.

 

“Will there be blood?”

 

“Maybe I should come, just to stiffen you” – fabulous line, in its context, and then you finish with Connor’s put-down, which also is excellent. I think the last few lines of their exchange go to highlight what I was trying to say about the first part. It works so much better when they are short with each other. I think variation in the tone of the dialogue would elevate the story.

 

There’s a paragraph describing all the armour and weaponry with is just a big slab of description. After all that has gone before, I think this stands out as being a bit crude. I think it would be more effective / interesting if it was broken up.

 

“went to sleep with his misgivings” – lovely phrase.

 

I find there is a lack of description. You do offer something of the lay of the land, but there are other senses that I think would add depth to their surroundings. Reference to the temperature, maybe, and smell – I guess the pipes drown out all the sound.

[Robinski he/him]

Commenting on the comments:

 

"Donn may be haughty but he needs Connor and he knows it, so I wonder why they seem to be constantly butting heads here over what appear to be trivial matters of pride." - I think that's what men do, despite themselves or their goals. I had no problem with that aspect, but do agree with Shrike's 'beats' comment.

 

I do agree with Mandamon in relation to the threat level. On reflection, Connor does seem a bit blase about the 'quest', almost thinking about how he's going to spend the money. If the enemy is so powerful, should Connor not at least consider the possibility that he might not come back? [Hey, Mand, no mention of the run-on sentences?! After the 'beating' I got?!  ;op]

 

Rohyu makes a good point about the magic system. I don't believe that everyone magic system needs to be a prescriptive as a Sandersonian one, but there's no suggestion that Donn is tiring or needs a break from time to time, let alone any greater magical cost. Also, I agree that there could be some clarity in relation to how common a skill singing is.

[Mandamon he/him]

I do agree with Mandamon in relation to the threat level. On reflection, Connor does seem a bit blase about the 'quest', almost thinking about how he's going to spend the money. If the enemy is so powerful, should Connor not at least consider the possibility that he might not come back? [Hey, Mand, no mention of the run-on sentences?! After the 'beating' I got?!  ;op]

 

 I think I was still too confused by the similar names.  "Did Robinski submit something under a different name?  Does he want us to critique him differently?"

I actually had to pay attention to the writing style quite a bit.  It is different than yours, but has some similarities in prose and setting type!

[Robinski he/him]

{Look, there is actually this clone army, but I'm trying to keep it quiet so, shhhhh.}

 

{Although come to think of it, giving all the clones that same name might have been a mistake...}

 

{I'm surprised no-one saw how obvious it is that I have a diabolical plan by the archly villainous expression in my avatar picture.}

Edited December 26, 2015 by Robinski