30 December 2013-jParker-Ripe and Ruin Ch. 7

[jParker]

Hey everybody. Let's hear it.

[Mandamon he/him]

Hmm.  No attachment on the email.

[jParker]

Whoopsie. Re-sent.

[andyk he/him]

I liked the description and detail. Hal's interesting, and there are hints of something more going on there that have got me intrigued. But I didn't feel like much happened to challenge Elmer or push his limits, and his lack of a clear purpose means my interest in him is shrinking rather than growing.

[Mandamon he/him]

Yep, same reaction as andyk.  I liked the writing in this chapter, and we got a couple hints of Elmer's background, but in the end, he only started the job that he said he would for the past three chapters.  Hal's dialect felt like it got stronger through the chapter, with more dialectical words near the end than at the beginning.  It may just have been the sentences he said, but if so, you may want to smooth it out a little.

 

Some notes:

pg 1: "His right hand reached for the pitcher of water. The left must have been out, because it promptly knocked the tin vessel onto the floor,"

--Awkward phrasing

 

pg 4: "mantra that had gotten him through murders, rapes, and worse"

--I assume you mean while he was a cop and had to deal with criminals, and not that he was the one murdering and raping

.

pg 5: "cosmere"

--I think this one's been taken already...  I looked it up and this is not a normal word.  It's one Brandon came up with himself.

 

pg 8: "pump your brakes"

--Does this world have cars?  Because I don't think this applies to carriages.

[jParker]

Yeah. I've been going through and refining things--in the new order, this is Chapter 3, not 7. And holy crap am I sorry for just dragging you guys around. 

 

I wasn't aware that Brandon had coined "cosmere"--I was under the impression it was just a word that he adopted and proliferated. I'll change that.

 

Also, pump your brakes refers to an emergency stop, originally with locomotives. The world definitely has those. Although I did picture a carriage coming to a screeching halt, with smoke flying and all and that's pretty funny. Might have to find a way to make that work some time...