20131223 - Mandamon - Physical Magic - Ch5

[Mandamon he/him]

Chapter 5 of Physical Magic.  Previously:

Silluka gets picked up for her coming-of-age, but fails because of her "stump" of a right arm.  However, one of the elders takes an interest in her, and sets her to decode an ancient scroll that doesn't require the use of her missing right forearm and hand.  Silluka also meets Hufi, the sadistic head of staff, and Papaki, a nice boy with a limp and a lisp.

 

Ichu takes in the harvest, but it's less that usual.  He uses magic to bolster his body for the trip to town, but his aching joints means the magic is less dependable and he has to repeat the Chayu to get to the village.  Once there, he speaks to the other farmers, who say their crops are failing too.  They plan to parctice a Chayu to call the goddess Aunt Harvest to help them.

 

Feedback on the usual is appreciated:  What's cool, what's boring, what doesn't work, what you don't understand.

[jParker]

I'm not sure why Hufi is so sadistic. I understand that there are people like him in real life, who deal out misery for no reason,but this isn't real life; it's fiction and things,for better or worse, have to make sense. The same can apply to Quilqi--what are her motivations? Is she acting in accordance with them? After Ichu, Silluka seems a bit tame. Probably a sign that she's the long arc protagonist, but she could use a bit more tension.

 

A stylistic thing: you use the phrase "none too stable" in two consecutive paragraphs describing the ladder. It's a bit jarring.

 

Additionally, are pictographs the most appropriate writing system for your civilization? It seems like hieroglyphics might be a bit more efficient, being able to describe literal things as well as phonemes. I know the Inca comparison keeps being made and they didn't even have a writing system. Other indigenous American civilizations used a variety of pictograms or glyphs. Just some food for thought.

[Mandamon he/him]

jparker - thanks for the feedback.  

you are correct.  I need to add in some motivations for Hufi and Quilqi.  The more I do this, the more bloated the story becomes, and I think that's one of the problems I'm struggling with, creating a lack of tension.

 

On pictographs vs. hieroglyphs:  I wanted to have a language that grew naturally out of motions of the body, since this is such a physical-based society.  However, they probably are more limited in expressing ideas, so I'll have to watch out for that as I write more.

[Robinski he/him]

I really enjoyed this chapter. I feel that the Silluka chapters are much tighter and raise fewer question (and potential inconsistencies) than the Ichu chapters. There is excellent interplay between Silluka and all the inhabitants of the research centre that we have seen so far, not just conflicts, as with Hufi, but challenges, friendship, discomfort, growing respect. There is a lot going on here that I am very keen to see develop.

 

I really like the sense of the mundane in Silluka’s chores and her interaction with Hufi and Papaki, and the way you contrast it with the intellectual pursuits that she has with Quilqi. I think this and the mystery of the scroll, is what makes Silluka’s sections so strong. I think there is clear potential in Ichu’s sections. There is a significant conflict in the food shortage, but I don’t feel the balance is right in terms of how that part is going, no doubt because of my confusion, as per my questions on Chapter 4.

 

I note that you talk about being unsure how to bring the strands together, but that is the joy of writing is it not? The fact that they are both limited in their abilities is an excellent device and might well in itself bring them together, but with the fascinating contract that she has never been able to realise a chayu, whereas he is losing the ability.

 

I think it’s great stuff and I am keen to read more, and to see the characters develop and the conflicts expand as the wider world/society comes into view, as I presume it will/must.

 

Looking a JP's comment about motivations, I have no trouble accepting that Hufi is cruel, he obviously has a chip on his shoulder about Silluka being brought into the centre, I expect that we will learn what his problem is in due course. At the risk of spoilering my own enjoyment of the story, I begin to wonder if perhaps he has or had a child that was deformed in some way, and who died, was killed or killed themself, which would make his extreme bitterness entirely understandable, without justifying it.

 

As to Quilqi, again, I don't mind having these early chapters to conjecture over what her true motives are. It seems as if she is using Silluka as a lab rat, but clearly that situation is going to develop. She appears to treat the girl with a scientific detachment, but perhaps there is an emotional position underlying that, or perhaps there will come a point when something challenges Quilqi's ethical position.

 

Enquiring minds must know, keep writing please!!

 

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Page 4 – Bit of maid-and-butler dialogue here, I felt, from Quilqi in saying ‘It was given us by Awilu Wanuy and Awila Kawsay’ etc.

 

Page 4 – Notwithstanding the above, which is just a line or two, I really enjoyed the exchange between Silluka and Quilqi. It is an intriguing problem and one clearly fascinates both of them (Silluka growing into it more now). This seems to be leading to them seeing past their differences. Also, the reason for Quilqi choosing Silluka stats to become clear.

 

Page 5 – Slate door design problem, which I mentioned earlier.

 

Page 6 – I felt that ‘Having to translate it from dry text always left blank areas where the translator had to guess’ was Silluka’s thought, but could it be? How much translation has she done before?

 

Page 7 – Sorry, engineering brain ticking over. If the closets are twice the height of a person, does that mean the corridors and rooms are too? That would be logical, as it would be awkward and rather pointless to limit ceiling heights within the rest of the building to achieve massive closet heights. Is there a second storey? If there is, potentially the closets would breach the second (first) floor level, creating dead space. In short, if the closets, corridors and rooms are not all the same height, there is going to be a lot of wasted space somewhere. Unless there are ceiling voids for heating, air conditioning, fire fighting plant, etc. but, despite the name of the building being ‘research centre’ which sounds modern, I don’t sense that is what we are dealing with.

 

Page 8 – Repetition of the phrase ‘The ladder was none too stable.’ from Page 7.

 

Page 8 – ‘I own owe Hufi back for...’ ?

 

On one level, I like the relative brevity of the chapters, on the other hand they leave my wanting more to read, so that would seem to be working fine!

[Mandamon he/him]

Robinski, thanks for the feedback on these 5 chapters.  I'm stepping back from this one currently to do an outline for the second book of Seeds of Dissolution, and because this one was just not working for me--still not sure why.  I do want to get back to it, because I like the world, so I'm planning to take all this feedback and figure out how to fix it!  Everyone has helped a lot.