yankorro - 9 dec 2013 - Mant. Rose interlude + ch9

[yankorro]

Here's the place to do your thing re: the interlude and ch9

 

as noted, with the interlude i looking for a) does it make sense and where would it fit in the scheme of the narrative.

 

as for chap 9, the usual...

 

Thanks as always!

 

[andyk he/him]

I like the interlude. It kills the question I was starting to ask myself of whether there even really was a manticore, but it felt like its presence would help build tension.

 

I feel like there's a disparity in pace between the slow weeks dragging by that the character have got now and the more immediate pursuit I expected at the start. This is probably a matter of my misreading, or of expectation setting at the beginning.

 

I had no idea why they had to try the hazardous river crossing, and that was a problem. Without a compelling reason for them to take that risk it felt pointless, the horse's death unnecessary. In fact I'm still struggling with not knowing the characters' motivations or thoughts about anything. It's not just a lack of Rose's interior world, I didn't feel like events had given Mercedes a compelling reason to turn her back on Rose, and I had no idea why Milton was really out there. Maybe he's meant to be mysterious like that, but without a clearer sense of other people's motivations it's hard for his to stand out by their absence.

 

I do like the descriptions and passage of time, and these are still an interesting set of characters. I just want to know more about what drives them.

[Mandamon he/him]

Sounds like Andyk and I are in agreement about pretty much everything.

 

Interlude:

I like that this firmly places the manticore as real and an objective.  I was at first surprised to see it flying, but then looked it up, and manticores are depicted both with and without wings.  Learn something new everyday...

 

 

pg 2-3:  I would be careful that this section doesn't get too preachy.  It's fairly long for Rose to ultimately just push the preacher out, so unless something comes of it later, you might cut it down.

 

pg 4: "Weeks and months went by"

--this again.  Rose seems to have given up on searching for the Manticore with any determination, and I'm left wondering what the book is about.  I'm not saying the search won't take months, but the pace of the story has changed quite a bit.  the first 6 chapters were a day-by-day accounting about searching for the Manticore, and now you've moved to week-by-week or even month-by-month.  There's especially a contrast with the interlude.  If the Manticore is out flying around, someone is sure to have seen it.

 

pg 4-5:  For what reason did Rose suddenly have to ford a dangerous stream, in winter, and put all their lives at risk (not to mention killing a horse)?  I guess this is to reach Mercedes, but you never say, and I don't remember them having to cross the river before.  It seems random and nearly psychotic.  Also, I'm not sure how the horse drowned but the much smaller and shorter people did not.

 

pg 6:  If a woman rescued a young boy from doing rather strange dances at an all-male club, my first thought would not be to accuse her of (of believe that she was responsible for) child molestation.  Maybe the reputation of Gogo a-Go-Go is not well known, but I doubt it.

[jParker]

Holy balls I love the interlude. Seriously dude, that is what you do well. 

 

Chapter Nine, on the other hand, fell flat for me. While I liked the interaction with the preacher, the rest of it seemed purposeless. Why the river crossing? Why is Milton doing things? Had Rose made a habit of visiting Mercedes? If so, why is she just now getting suspicious about Maxi? 

 

One highlight from the chapter though. The term "Moral Offense" seems to hint at an existing legal code that could be a very interesting piece of world-building. If so, good drop. If not, well...

[The Goat he/him]

I'm coming in late here, but everybody says what I felt too. I haven't read any of your other stuff, but I'm super interested in this manticore and how it fits in (i.e. the interlude). I really enjoyed the dialogue between your characters, especially at the beginning of chap 9 with the preacher guy. The description was woven in with the dialogue nicely and it flowed. I did think it was a little long, but I also think that the old preacher guy talks like that. He's the kind of dude that will keep you there talking about whatever all day if you let him. Nice characterization there.  

 

For the rest, I think everybody else said most of it already. I really didn't get why they had to risk the river, and I was a little lost on the convo with mercedes, but that is probably stuff you put in earlier that I just didn't know. 

 

I did find one word that kind of popped out to me on p. 2. 

"Take another bite, you'll get used to it." The preacher scruffed the boy's black hair. I might be wrong about this, but to my knowledge scruff is the hair on the back of an animal's neck. It's not a verb. I think you mean to say ruffled. 

Edited December 9, 2013 by The Goat

[yankorro]

OK, so here's me sussing out the fixes for this week...

 

 

 

I feel like there's a disparity in pace between the slow weeks dragging by that the character have got now and the more immediate pursuit I expected at the start. This is probably a matter of my misreading, or of expectation setting at the beginning.

 

Yeah, I could probably seed that a little more clearly early on. It's not a jaunty quest with a specific destination, they're meant to be more like amateur naturalists, trying to find a rare animal in its natural habitat.

 

pg 4-5:  For what reason did Rose suddenly have to ford a dangerous stream, in winter, and put all their lives at risk (not to mention killing a horse)?  I guess this is to reach Mercedes, but you never say, and I don't remember them having to cross the river before.  It seems random and nearly psychotic.  Also, I'm not sure how the horse drowned but the much smaller and shorter people did not...

 

Yeah, I figured this would be a problem. I'll try to leaven the paragraphs leading up to it with enough information so that the reader knows they have no other choice.

 

pg 6:  If a woman rescued a young boy from doing rather strange dances at an all-male club, my first thought would not be to accuse her of (of believe that she was responsible for) child molestation.  Maybe the reputation of Gogo a-Go-Go is not well known, but I doubt it.

 

 

Point taken. Will probably change the description of Gogo a-Go-Go to make it a slightly less wretched hive of scum and villainy in that respect. Although no one is accusing Rose of anything. It's just that gossiping idiots can find a way to make anything anyone does seem illicit if they have a mind to...

 

Thanks as always for the encouragment/beatdowns...

[Robinski he/him]

This is a good chapter for my part, but the river scene bothered me, and I think needs some reworking as I don’t’ think it’s convincing for the reasons below. Some very nice style points, but I think it needs to convey to the reader how hard Rose has been searching in the expanse of time that passes.

 

Apologies if I'm repeating certain points, I always write my comments before reading the others. Reviewing them now sounds like I'm pretty much in agreement with Andyk and Mandamon.

 

------------------------------

 

I really like ‘It threads the maze of trees with the certainty of instinct...’ great line.

 

Okay, so this is the first real confirmation that the manticore exists. I'm a bit put off by the reference to the appointed hour – are we to assume that it is sentient? Appointed hour for what? fate? act of God?

 

It’s interesting to see Rose react so something with some feeling, in this case the preacher but more so Maxi’s reaction to him.

 

I think when winter comes, you could do with some reference to them having spent long days hunting the manticore without success. I also think (hobbyhorse time!) that Rose would be pretty emotional in some way or other (frustration, , having spent all this time in the hills and being continually frustrated by her abject failure to even see the manticore. Unless, or course, the manticore quest is a ruse and Rose is using it as an excuse to hide away from society. Anyway, without some reference to how much she has been searching and lack of success, it sounds as if they’ve been sitting around and just decided to go out that day back to Jimmer’s spot.

 

‘...some secret written in the long and low calligraphy of the mountains whose shapes smoothly folded over one another...’ what a beautiful passage, I just wish you would direct that eloquence on Rose’s thoughts and emotions more often.

 

Be careful about the description of the water and its rate of flow. If it’s chest high I will not take much of a current to knock them off their feet, not much at all. If the water is indeed coursing, as I would picture that, there is no way they could stay on their feet if it’s up to their chest. There again you use the word ‘swiftly’. I’d be thinking about toning that down, it doesn’t sound as exciting, but it’s more realistic.

 

I don’t buy the river scene – the river’s flows seems to change quickly in force and then back again to suit the circumstances of the outcome. If Rose and Maxi can wade across chest high, the horse is going to that much higher up then them, unless it’s a small horse, which I didn’t get from earlier descriptions. Notwithstanding what I’ve said already about the flow, it has to be easier for the horse to get across than it is for the humans.

 

Phew, that’s a pretty emotive end to the chapter, strong stuff. Given what Maxi was doing in the Gogo a-Go-Go, the accusation is very harsh and unfair, but I can see why you would raise this now to create a threat. Milton’s role seems unclear, he appears to be taking some relish in relaying the news, he doesn’t sound concerned. Are we to treat him as an antagonist now? It’s not clear, we must read on!