First Lines

[Thought]

Ah, well if quarrels are as important to your story as spren were to tWok, then by all means

[IvoryRoad he/him]

Ah, well if quarrels are as important to your story as spren were to tWok, then by all means

GAH! Understand me. IT CANNOT BE AN ARROW. OTHERWISE I SHALL BE ANNOYED.

It must be a quarrel.

Not because it's super important to the story, but because I don't want arrows.

ALL I WANT IS VALIDATION...

[Shivertongue he/him]

Just remember... anything that makes a reader take pause is something that can knock a reader out of the story.

[IvoryRoad he/him]

Harrumph.

I'll test it on some family/friends.

Anyone else got a line for us?

[Thought]

Ivory, my comment was intended to be humorous. It's your story: if you have to have something, then you have to have it. Our role is to give our reactions, it is up to you to figure out how to use it.

As for lines, there was mine above, if you feel like getting revenge against me.

[IvoryRoad he/him]

Ivory, my comment was intended to be humorous. It's your story: if you have to have something, then you have to have it. Our role is to give our reactions, it is up to you to figure out how to use it.

As for lines, there was mine above, if you feel like getting revenge against me.

Yeah, I know. I was being intentionally hyperbolic. Y'all are cool kids.

“‘nother round!”

Although the patron yelled his request, Vlasa could barely hear him over the off-key singing that was happening near the hearth. Not that she truly needed to hear: she owned this alehouse, and her business sense was keener than any sentry’s ear. There was coin to be had.

Hehehe. *palm rubbing*

Actually, I like this quite a bit. A few minor quarrels (cwutididthar?...i...nevermind)- I feel like "There was coin to be had" is some kind of cliche. Not that I could actually tell you where I heard it before. As an alternate possibility, I could be clinically insane.

"Although the patron yelled his request, Vlasa could barely hear him over the off-key singing that was happening near the hearth."

This feels like the sentence is more complex than it needs to be. The "although" is, I think, unnecessary, as well as the sentence structure that results from it. I'll try a little rewrite:

"Vlasa could scarcely hear the shouted request over the off-key singing that was happening near the hearth."

I also feel an inexplicable desire to come up with a more descriptive verb than "happening", but none come to mind right now, so I suppose it'll do.

[Thought]

Huh. "There was coin to be had" was the one line that was added later (actually, right before I posted the section, since I was worried that there wasn't enough punch), so I find it very interesting that you picked it out specifically. Probably means that it was a mistake on my part!

I do indeed like complex constructions. I tend to need to come back through, after I've written things, and break single sentences into full paragraphs (yes, I can be that bad). You are quite right, "happening" is undesirable. I hadn't been able to think of anything better myself, but perhaps it isn't needed at all? Anywho, I tried to rework it with your comments in mind:

“‘nother round!”

The patron yelled his request, but Vlasa couldn't hear him over the off-key singing that belched out of the drunks near the hearth. Not that she needed to hear. She owned this alehouse, and her business sense was keener than any minstrel’s ear.

[Observer]

Slightly out of context, but here it is nonetheless.

"The man dashed down the street, panting hard. His watch ticked down the time at an agonizingly slow pace. Forty seconds, that’s all I have to do, survive for forty seconds… "

Edited August 30, 2012 by Observer

[Aeshdan he/him]

Slightly out of context, but here it is nonetheless.

"The man dashed down the street, panting hard. His watch ticked down the time at an agonizingly slow pace. Forty seconds, that’s all I have to do, survive for forty seconds… "

Nice, though I hope the next sentence explains why surviving for fourty seconds should be at all tricky.

[Observer]

Nice, though I hope the next sentence explains why surviving for fourty seconds should be at all tricky.

It does, though in hindsight it wasn't done as well as it could have been done. Rest of the paragraph:

PROLOGUE

The man dashed down the street, panting hard. His watch ticked down the time at an agonizingly slow pace. Forty seconds, that’s all I have to do, survive for forty seconds…

Some three blocks away there was a scream and a roar. Even under all the shrieks of pain, the voice was still easy to recognize. It was Zack, and soon he would be very much dead. But there wa sno time for mourning; Zack's pursuit would quickly realize that they had missed one.

The man sped up, jumping over frozen pedestrians and dodging hardened traffic lights in a frantic attempt to get as far away from Zack's death spot as possible. He turned a corner, picking up speed and then skidding to a halt. A policewoman, a frozen policewoman, turned to him and grinned. An impossibly wide grin that spread from ear to ear as her face turned a leathery brown and a horde of tentacles exploded from her back. The Anitquarm had finally arrived, and now his fate was sealed.

Edited August 31, 2012 by Observer

[Tulir he/him]

It does, though in hindsight it wasn't done as well as it could have been done. Rest of the paragraph:

PROLOGUE

The man dashed down the street, panting hard. His watch ticked down the time at an agonizingly slow pace. Forty seconds, that’s all I have to do, survive for forty seconds…

Some three blocks away there was a scream and a roar. Even under all the shrieks of pain, the voice was still easy to recognize. It was Zack, and soon he would be very much dead. But there wa sno time for mourning; Zack's pursuit would quickly realize that they had missed one.

The man sped up, jumping over frozen pedestrians and dodging hardened traffic lights in a frantic attempt to get as far away from Zack's death spot as possible. He turned a corner, picking up speed and then skidding to a halt. A policewoman, a frozen policewoman, turned to him and grinned. An impossibly wide grin that spread from ear to ear as her face turned a leathery brown and a horde of tentacles exploded from her back. The Anitquarm had finally arrived, and now his fate was sealed.

Good start, in my opinion. It grabbed my attention immediately, and kept it. Though it doesn't really explain the forty seconds part, I like it!

[Observer]

Thanks, I worked hard on it

Here's another prologue starter I've been toying with, and some improvement comments would be appreciated:

The Former loremaster slashed, slicing his shadow cleanly through the middle. It fell in two halves, writhing on the ground.

Edited September 1, 2012 by Observer

[Aeshdan he/him]

Thanks, I worked hard on it

Here's another prologue starter I've been toying with, and some improvement comments would be appreciated:

[Shivertongue he/him]

Thanks, I worked hard on it

Here's another prologue starter I've been toying with, and some improvement comments would be appreciated:

The Former loremaster slashed, slicing his shadow cleanly through the middle. It fell in two halves, writhing on the ground.

Should "Former" be capitalized? If so, that indicates that "Former" is a title among loremasters. That's a smaller thing, however, compared to the larger issue.

"The Former loremaster slashed" is incredibly weak. Like, diet soda weak. The idea - cutting your shadow in half - is cool, but it's presented in a way that makes it boring. The makings of a good hook are in there, but the entire thing is riddled with weak bits that detract from the strong.

[Observer]

Should "Former" be capitalized? If so, that indicates that "Former" is a title among loremasters. That's a smaller thing, however, compared to the larger issue.

"The Former loremaster slashed" is incredibly weak. Like, diet soda weak. The idea - cutting your shadow in half - is cool, but it's presented in a way that makes it boring. The makings of a good hook are in there, but the entire thing is riddled with weak bits that detract from the strong.

It's people like you that keep my lines from unintentionally murdering a story. Thanks

Working on an editation.

[Thought]

The man dashed down the street, panting hard. His watch ticked down the time at an agonizingly slow pace. Forty seconds, that’s all I have to do, survive for forty seconds…

Some three blocks away there was a scream and a roar. Even under all the shrieks of pain, the voice was still easy to recognize. It was Zack, and soon he would be very much dead. But there wa sno time for mourning; Zack's pursuit would quickly realize that they had missed one.

The man sped up, jumping over frozen pedestrians and dodging hardened traffic lights in a frantic attempt to get as far away from Zack's death spot as possible. He turned a corner, picking up speed and then skidding to a halt. A policewoman, a frozen policewoman, turned to him and grinned. An impossibly wide grin that spread from ear to ear as her face turned a leathery brown and a horde of tentacles exploded from her back. The Anitquarm had finally arrived, and now his fate was sealed.

I think you did setting rather well. Definitely got the Urban Fantasy feel to it. Indeed, I got the impression of a Percy Jackson-like world fairly quickly. The main things that did this were the roar and the frozen individual who still moved. The general frozen things could have been from a superhero setting (imagine Mr. Freeze), while the murder could have otherwise been, say, zombie apocalypse. Those were the details the really limited the possibilities and helped define the world.

Unfortunately, there were problems with narrative consistency. We start with 3rd limited from someone else’s PoV, then in the third sentence we jump to either 3rd omniscient or 3rd limited with the runner’s PoV. The opening of the next paragraph is firmly in 3rd omniscient, but the rest descends again into 3rd limited. More consistency is needed.

Also, I’d propose that the story starts in the wrong place. It feels like it is trying to begin in media res, but the result is more of inter res (between things). I get the impression that something exciting just happened moments before the scene opens, which is why the runner is fleeing. And, I get the impression that something exciting is just about to happen as the scene closes. But the scene itself? Nothing. Running is movement, but it isn’t the action that hooks readers. The Timer almost adds suspense, but we don’t know what happens at the end of it. We don’t know if it is attached to a proverbial bomb or if it is going to signal that the proverbial soufflé is done.

I suspect, since this is a prologue, that the Runner isn’t really the main character. Once the book proper begins, I suspect we’ll zoom far out from the action, possibly even through time a bit, to someone else who has only a tangential connection to the events that were just hinted at. Perhaps this real main character will hear about escaped animals from a zoo (the roar makes me think of a manticore, for some reason), or maybe they’ll receive bad news that a friend was mauled by rabid squirrels from Madison Square Garden, etc. If so, then the point of this prologue is basically to tell us that there are monsters about, and that they are dangerous, but otherwise doesn’t really do much for the story. Of course, I am here just commenting on what I am expecting comes next, not what actually does.

The Former loremaster slashed, slicing his shadow cleanly through the middle. It fell in two halves, writhing on the ground.

Like Shivertongue, I like the idea of cutting a shadow, but the implementation falls short. It’s the verbs and their tenses, for me. “Slashed, slicing” feels repetitive, and I hate it went a simple past is followed by an imperfect. Actually, I tend to hate imperfects in general. Writhing, I’m looking at you. The problem for me is that so often this combination results in clunky sentences. Look at your own. Anything after a comma (or between them) should be able to be removed while still having a complete thought. What you have, then, is: “The Former loremaster slashed.” Weaksauce.

I’d recommend descriptions for spicing up that section. Describe the process of holding the shadow down (or up, since it’s in the air), figuring out where to cut, etc. Give us a short paragraph setting the scene, begin with the unusual (something that conveys that the shadow isn’t normal) and end with the unusual (two halves of the shadow on the ground).

On a different matter, I like to give my own opening lines when I comment on other peoples, so that they can judge my comments in light of my abilities (either "dude, this guy can't write, why should I listen to him?" or "He be a savvy fellow, I do best be givin' his words a keen ear, yahar.") Also, it gives people a chance for revenge!

And so:

Archbishop Redmar dismounted his horse. Ten soldiers did likewise. He nodded to his chamberlain, indicating that the old man was in charge until he and the others returned. The goddess, Winter, watched him. She was still waking up from her long sleep, and it took much of her effort to ensure that she didn’t make the road before them impassable.

It's actually from the same story as my previous first lines, but the story has three different POV characters, and so three different openings.

[Observer]

The story is actually about Time Stopping, and the next paragraph goe sinto that. I'll make a few tweaks to throw in some extra stoofs.

Seriously redoing the second, thanks for the help.

Nice one of your own, BTW.

[Lightflame he/him]

My story (series, really) is still in the very early planning stages, but I have the beginning of my prologue. The prologues POV character won't be one of the main characters, but he will be important later on.

Kano didn't want to die again.

Context:

Kano didn't want to die again. He had been lying low for the past few years, trying to avoid the tedium of piecing himself back together. Recently, he had come to believe that he was safely out of the clutches of his enemies.

Kano had been careless. The hole in his stomach left by the raven-haired man's blade proved this. At first, Kano had thought his assailant to be one of the Knights, come to kill to him as they had done to the other users of the Old Magic. A quick glance at him had proven Kano mistaken. The man now surveying him with emotionless eyes was no Knight, nor was he one of the numerous enemies Kano had made.

Rain and blood ran over Kano, but this man seemed to be untouched by the turbulent weather. As lightning flashed around him, something clicked in Kano's mind. He gasped, understanding just what the raven-haired man was.

"I'll be damned," said Kano. "You're a Stormholder. Here for the blade, are you?"

Swearing, Kano Unbound the accursed sword, the thing that had started all this. As the familiar weapon materialized in Kano's hand, the raven-haired man's face betrayed a single emotion. Bloodlust. Kano cursed himself and charged.

What do you think? I'm not sure of my hook, so I'm excited for advice on improving it.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Lightflame

[Windrunner he/him]

I'm no professional, but I hope you don't mind me mentioning something I noticed just glancing at it. You refer to your character by his first name almost always. I think the paragraph as a whole would benefit from using "he" or "his" a little more frequently. But I do like the hook!

[Observer]

I'm no professional, but I hope you don't mind me mentioning something I noticed just glancing at it. You refer to your character by his first name almost always. I think the paragraph as a whole would benefit from using "he" or "his" a little more frequently. But I do like the hook!

I noticed that too. Of course, it's possible he's hiding the gender of his character for some reason anyways.

[Lightflame he/him]

I'm no professional, but I hope you don't mind me mentioning something I noticed just glancing at it. You refer to your character by his first name almost always. I think the paragraph as a whole would benefit from using "he" or "his" a little more frequently. But I do like the hook!

Thank you for both the criticism and the praise. Reading over what I had written, I notice that I do have a serious problem with that. I was worried that the reader would stumble over a "he" or "his", wondering if I meant Kano of the man attacking him. I suppose I can fix that up. I should keep watch for it in my future writing.

(I actually received the same criticism in a review of my Warriors fanfic, Golden Dawn: Lost Sunrise, but I ignored it because it was poorly worded.)

Give me a moment, and I change some of the uses of Kano's name to pronouns.

EDIT: Slightly revised version.

Kano didn't want to die again. He'd been lying low for the past few years, trying to avoid the tedium of piecing himself back together. Recently, he had come to believe that he was safely out of the clutches of his enemies.

Kano had been careless. The gash left in his stomach by the raven-haired man's blade proved this. At first, he had thought his assailant to be one of the Knights, come to kill to him as they had done to the other users of the Old Magic. A quick glance at him had proven him mistaken. The man now surveying him with emotionless eyes was no Knight, nor was he one of Kano's numerous enemies.

Rain and blood ran over him, but this man seemed to be untouched by the turbulent weather. As lightning flashed around him, something clicked in Kano's mind. He gasped, understanding just what the raven-haired man was.

"I'll be damned," said Kano. "You're a Stormholder. Here for the blade, are you?"

Swearing, he Unbound the accursed sword, the thing that had started all this. As the familiar weapon materialized in his Kano's, the raven-haired man's face betrayed a single emotion. Bloodlust. Kano cursed himself and charged.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Lightflame

[Observer]

"I'm a monster..." Korival whispered, staring at the walls of the blood-spattered chamber. The Oathslave to his left snorted, his smooth metalic features clicking together to create the sound. "Kor, in case you haven't noticed, we're all monsters now."

Korival shook his head, the bits of metal that made up his face rubbing against the soft cloth of his hood. "You know what I mean Khorik. At least I fought before. It didn't stop me from killing Mother and Father, didn't stop me from bathing in the blood of innocents, didn't......didn't stop me from killing Dahra. But at least I fought back then! Nowadays I barely even struggle, hardly caring about the worth of the lives I end!"

"Yes, we're all monsters on the outside, but slowly I've become on within as well..."

And here's this one. Still a work in progress, but I kind of like the idea I'm creating to go with it.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Observer

[Lightflame he/him]

@Observer: Sounds cool, but change the name Brom to something else. I associate it with Eragon, which is well known for how bad it is. You don't have to, but stuff like that pulls me out of the story. ("Narm" is used on TV Tropes to mean "Unintentional Comedy", so the bridgeman in WoK threw me out of the story every time he was mentioned.) It's not bad writing, it's simply bad luck.

[Observer]

I can totally understand that, it gets at me too.

Unfortunately I have a devil of a time coming up with names. Those two alone cost me five minutes of head-bashing.

Anything fantasy-knight-ish that you can come up with?

EDIT: Changed it to Khorik

Edited September 6, 2012 by Observer

[Aeshdan he/him]

@Lightflame: I like your story, think the "didn't want to die again" flavor is excellent. I have a bit of an issue with Kano's enemies being the "Knights", as that on its own implies him as a darker. Unless he actually is one, I suggest you think about that. Also, if Kano can return from the dead, what good does it do the knights to fight him and his? Is it supposed to be a "kill the monster and get rid of him for a couple of decades" scenarion like in Percy Jackson?