20131111 - andyk - Blood in the Veins Ch.1 (V,L)

[andyk]

Instead of my usual short stories, this is the first chapter of an attempt at a novel. I look forward to reading all of your opinions, as always.

[Mandamon]

Overall, I liked it, and I'm interested to read more.  The descriptions of the time period are convincing, and you have a good grasp of what tools and weapons are being used and why.  I did have a problem with the Roman names.  Since there are three for each character, and they tend to run together with lots of "...us" names, I had a hard time telling them apart.  Add to this that you use Varus' middle name and Murena's last name, and I get even more confused.  Why would Varus not use his first name when thinking about himself?  I don't know a whole lot about Roman names...

 

Also, on pg 6: Would the Gauls be able to get out of spear range by turning and running?  I like the strategy, but does this mean Varus told them to throw too soon?

 

I'm interested to see the magic system and what meaning the iron torc has, as well as what healing magic they have.  I got the impression Varus was very badly wounded, but we never really find out exactly how (unless it's covered later).

Looking forward to more!

[yankorro]

Hello. As usual, it's quite clear you did your homework. As Mandamon says the level of period detail is quite convincing. I also agree that the naming conventions get a little confusing. Especially in the second paragraph I think it was where we gets descriptions of all his comrades; at that point I was thinking "hooo, boy, trying to tell Marcus and Brutus and Varus and Julius apart is gonna be fun..."

 

The whole time I was reading, I was wondering: "Is this gonna be the typical sort of first chapter where the viewpoint character gets killed and it turns out the main character is someone else?" Then of course, he gets killed. But then he survived, which was nice as it kind of satisfied my expectation and flouted it at the same time.

 

I don't have a lot of questions per se about magic, strategy, etc. If I have one criticism it's with the interior monologue at the beginning. We spend a whole lot of time in Varus's head (or in his circulatory system, as the case may be  ) before anything really happens.

 

That said, I enjoyed it; reminded me of my phase as a kid and devouring "Asterix the Gaul" comics (I imagine we'll get some scenes from the Gallic point of view as well, right?) 

[Robinski]

I enjoyed this first chapter well enough. I'm not a big fan of historical fiction in the sense of the setting, I like exploring a setting that I know nothing about, and am learning from scratch, so the Romans vs. The Gauls leaves me a bit cold.

 

I liked the impact of the ambush at the foot of Page 3 (actually the 4^th page), I was not expecting that. I think the action in general is well written, it feels dynamic and urgent, the drilled methods of the Romans versus the unguarded aggression of the Gauls. The battle ebbs and flows, and it’s unclear how it’s going to end, or what will happen to Varus at an individual level. This is all good and exciting.

 

I'm not keen on the description of the Gauls’ anger as ‘petty’. Why so? It does nothing to endear Varus to me if he can’t see that his foe is entitled to be angry that their country has been invaded. Not that he would agree with them, but belittling their resistance, to me, shows a lack of awareness and a fair amount of condescension, not endearing qualities. Again, at the foot of Page 5, he doesn’t see how the Gauls have drawn the javelin volley out of the Romans at little cost.

 

In general, I like the harshness that comes from the occasional use of ‘industrial’ language.

 

The post-battle scene is nicely described in terms of Varus’ condition, and his exchange with Murena is convincing, his palpable fear at talking back, so to speak, and his commanders’ magnanimity, but laced with hesitancy.

 

All in all, despite my misgivings (above) coming into the story, I want to read on, so the first chapter has done its job. There’s no info-dump, characters are drawn well enough to distinguish them and there’s a fairly strong hint at where the story is going, which looks like an interesting place. To conclude, well-written chapter, not sure that I like Varus, but so far I still want to know where events take him.