20131021 - andyk - Feathers (V)

[andyk he/him]

This is a flash fiction fantasy piece, inspired by some freelance writing work I'm doing that includes longbows. The title is just a filler until I come up with something else, so if you have any ideas for a title please let me know, along with other feedback.

 

Thanks.

[Two McMillion he/him]

The last line: Is the last word intended to be "soured" (what it is now) or "soared"? Soared would make a lot more sense.
 

The main thing that confused me here was the character mentioned "Christendom", which made me think it was something like historical fiction. But then we had the issue of the phoenix feather and fairy glass, so it doesn't seem like it could be HF. For the rest of the piece I was a little distracted trying to figure that one out.

 

Any time you mention "phoenix feather" someone is going to think of Harry Potter, and I doubt there's a way around it. I didn't share Hal's despair when that feather failed to help, though, because it hadn't been built up enough. It would probably be better if you added Hal thinking more about how the phoenix feather is his only hope.

 

I'm not really sure what was significant about him using his hair in the arrow- this might have made more sense if we understood the magic a bit more rigorously. It seemed like it was about hope or something, but it was a little hard to understand why his hair was significant that way.

 

I think Feathers is a fine title, personally.

[jParker]

On a completely superficial note, I'm a bit averse to the title, simply because it's also a track by one of my favorite bands that is absolutely atrocious. Moving on...

 

I agree with McMillion about the phoenix feather thing. Rowling has a massive shadow on the genre. She and Pullman are your Scylla and Charybdis, at least for this piece. He also makes a strong point about the lack of buildup. The phoenix arrow is his last best hope. When it fails, he should despair. Immediately turning to his actual last best hope cheapens the moment. 

 

However, I am so down for an HF piece featuring mythic wossname. I just wish there was more to the story than what we see--it kind of feels like one of my submissions. I hate to see such potential squandered on flash fiction (no disrespect). 

[Mandamon he/him]

I think the title is pretty fitting for this piece as-is.

I agree with the main point the others brought up.  There's a lot in here, for being such a short piece.  Consequently, everything feels rushed.  You hit all the right plot points for a novellette or even novel: Setting, an overwhelming foe, someone in danger, Checkov's gun, the big weapon--which fails, then the twist and the real triumph over evil.  However it's 2 pages long, so it's almost like a synopsis of a longer piece, and you have to go directly from one setup to the next.

 

I was also confused as to why his own hair worked.  "And then he knew. The one thing that was stronger than war, stronger than age. That had kept him going all this time."

And then you go into him using his hair, but don't actually answer the question.  What was the one thing?  You list his strength, determination, and hope, but that's three things and fairly generic.  We don't know enough about him to say he's especially strong or hopeful.

 

Also, why did his son get cured and he didn't, at the end?  Wouldn't killing the crow cure both of them?

 

Last, on the Phoenix feather. I thought of HP as well, but you could as well say you think of Gandalf when you hear the word "Wizard."  It's a mythical bird and you used its properties correctly, so I don't see a problem.  If you had more worldbuilding you would have more chance to really make it your own.  How did he get the feather?  Where do Pheonixes (Phoenixii?) live?

 

Lots you can do with this one.

[Guru Coyote he/him]

For once, I do not agree with most of what has been said before

 

to me, the magic was clear and the significance of his own hair obvious. Also, Harry Potter was by far NOT what i thought when I read Phoenix. But then, I also think that unicorns and pink just don't go together.

 

Anyway, I thought this piece powerful and evocative. The fact it was short... might even have strengthened that aspect. It has a dream-like quality.

 

What I would offer in terms of critique is this: if this were my writing, I think I'd want to comb it through with a fine comb and see if I can remove some "had" had "was" ... for a flash fiction piece, fine-tuning every sentence can really do a lot.

 

I do agree that this story *could* be made into a novella-length struggle. It has all the elements and conflict. It would be a different story though.

 

Hope that helps.

[yankorro]

Greetings,

 

Sorry for the delay in getting to this piece. I don't have a lot to say that hasn't already been said, so just let me 'second' some of what the others have pointed out:

 

- the 'Christendom' reference jumped out at me as well; didn't seem to fit into the 'milieu' you'd created up to that point

- I was never a Harry Potter fan so my mind doesn't immediately jump to Rowling when I read the word 'phoenix', but I suppose it's something to consider

- as is, it would need (as guru coyote says) a trim-down in revision. flash requires lean, lean, fighting-machine prose to really work.

 

I could see this going two ways. You could make it a much larger work, as the others have suggested. More explicit magic system, deeper characterization, for example (the bit with the hair).

 

 

 

OR another option...reeeeaaaally strip it down. Explain nothing!!! You could just show us  the boy i the bird, and what the man does about it, and if you did all that poetically enough in stark, striking images that could be really cool. 

(Grain of salt: personally, i'm not big on interior monologue in general, i tend to strip it out of my first drafts wherever possible and communicate whatever thoughts or emotions i have to communicate with acts, gesture or dialogue--difficult in a piece like this...)

 

I guess if it's flash, take advantage of it and make it cool in the way that flash is cool. leave great big honking gaps in our understanding for us to fill in ourselves.  If it's supposed to do something else, give it room to do so.

 

Cheers! ~NW

[Mysty she/her]

I didn't think of HP with the phonenix feather either. Of course I've read enough mythology to know that most, if not all, of the creatures in HP have a basis in lore and can be freely used if you read source material about them. I do agree that the phoenix arrow should have a greater buildup and a greater sense of dispare when it fails.

Although when I read the piece I thought the crow was just spreading the disease because it was also infected, so I was confused that his son was magically healed when the crow finally died. I didn't realize the plauge was magical in origin until then. It could be because your use of the word "christendom" which placed the conflict on earth where the only magical plauges i know of are in the book of Exodus.

Minor word smithing note: is samuel cawing in his bed? First paragraph last sentence gives that impression using the word "other" with no modifiers after talking about cawing.