10.7.13 - Two McMillion - The Lizard Men

[Two McMillion he/him]

Hello again, everyone!

Well, I'd send another Peter Endor excerpt, but you guys have convinced me that needs a quite a bit more work. So, instead, I am sending a short piece I wrote a while ago, about, well, lizard men.
 

A bit of background. This began as the following draw of decktet cards:


 

The goal was to write a short piece incorporating these elements that managed to have both plot and character development- in 500 words or less. Well, I didn't quite end up with less than 500 words (it's 632 words), but I do hope it will be an interesting read all the same.

Thanks for reading and commenting!
 

- Two McMillion

[jParker]

What. I'm...I'm not really sure what I just read. Not that that's entirely bad. I think it could be really cool, if a few kinks get worked out.

 

1) The lack of a clear viewpoint character or dialogue works well in the story. However, I'm also unsure what exactly happens. It seems to shift from omniscient in the first paragraph to an over-the-shoulder of the clerk to a lizard man. It leaves me feeling like a ship in a storm.

 

2) Is the clerk experiencing amnesia or what? Seriously. Because I have no idea and you don't give any clue. Ambiguity is good, but confusion, less so.

 

3) Economy of language. In short stories, especially if you're aiming for >500 words, extra words are nothing but a detriment. Does each word need to be there? 

[Mandamon he/him]

Heh.  I enjoyed this, even though it was unclear.  But then, I tend to like short ambiguous "poetry" stories that make you think.

 

I didn't have a problem with the POV--I thought the first paragraph was sort of a "fly in" to the story--but I do agree with jParker on the other two points.

 

On clarity:  Don't lose the ambiguity of what exactly happens.  I think what makes this story interesting is the reader trying to figure out whether the lizards took over the hotel, or whether something is happening to each group that stays there, or what.  Keep that.  However, I think there may some shift in intent, especially in the 5th paragraph, when you say "This is a first for our little hotel," because we've obviously seen other groups.  I don't think there's time in this piece for explaining the twists or turnarounds.  You have to leave it to the reader to figure out by your description.  That leads into...

 

Word count:  I think you can take this down to 500 words, and make this a really snappy and thought provoking piece.  It will be a challenge.  Look at each word and sentence and try to make it serve more than one purpose (description, dialogue, sensations, setting...).

 

But I want to see the finished product when you do!

[Mandamon he/him]

Also, now I need to get a deck of Decktet cards.  They look awesome and I just lost about 45 minutes reading about them.

[cjhuitt he/him]

It was a very interesting piece, not what I would normally seek out, but then again, it was only a bit over 500 words...

 

I personally thought the first paragraph was a little hard to get past.  I think this is mostly due to the way it was presented, especially with having "they said" without any quote marks or anything to break out the quotations from the text.  Mind you, I think it may be done this way on purpose, and it stays consistent, so I'm not saying it needs to be changed.  I guess what I am saying is to be aware that an opening like this may prove to be too odd for some readers.

 

On the other hand, maybe not, because I was expecting an unpolished piece that needed critique, and other readers may be expecting a polished story, and expectations can play a large part in the view of the story.  Especially one so short.

 

The third through fifth paragraphs I liked, with the ongoing confusion but reduced each time.  I thought it was presented well and worked to raise a lot of questions, and kept me interested.  However, the sixth paragraph is where I started to be confused, because it seems like there was a transition there -- the lizardmen now run the hotel -- without anything in text indicating this, and thus far we had a hotel proprietor (or greeter, or worker, or something) slowly losing his ability to know that lizard men had been there before; but no indication that he is a lizardman.  Really, this wasn't my first thought, but by the time I was done with this paragraph it seemed like a possible choice, and it was just overlooked earlier.  Then the further into that paragraph I read, the more confused I got.

 

I think this confusion is likely unintentional; the piece reads as though there were more behind it than just inducing confusion in the readers.  Thus, this is the part that I'd recommend taking a close look at, and maybe running through a few trial readers to see if they pick up on... whatever it is you are trying to get across in the last two paragraphs.

 

So far as the length goes, if you want to get it down to 500 words for the challenge feel free, but I don't think it necessarily needs to be any more sparse than it is today.  I would even welcome a few new words if it helps resolve some of the issues I cam across.

[Robinski he/him]

Intriguing story, very lyrical, I'm not very good with these flights of fancy, I think my brain works in a way that is too literal, so when I run into something requiring more interpretation, and perhaps a leap here and there, I'm never confident that I am making the correct assumptions (if there are any correct assumptions). It seems to me that the lizard men come to stay at the hotel and end up running it – having presumably eaten the owners and the staff, although the last line implies that the hotel itself is no longer recognisable as such.

 

Whatever the case, I enjoyed the read and the style of the piece, I thought it flowed well and didn’t outstay its welcome given that a little offbeat can go a long way sometimes.

 

I agree with Mandamon that the ambiguity is essential in something like this, and that two or three passes for polish will really bring the whole thing up a notch.

 

I'm going back to read ‘Peter Endor’ now, one of the things I need to catch up on.

[andyk he/him]

This was really interesting, and I enjoyed it. The start takes a bit of getting past, because it's so odd, and I don't know whether or not I'd have read on if I'd encountered this elsewhere. I'm glad I did though.

 

Once I got past the first paragraph I got into the style and the way information was being revealed, which was skilfully done.

 

I thought that the ending could have been clearer. After the reveal that the lizardmen took over the hotel, I wasn't really sure what was happening, or whose the point of view was. The ambiguity and confusion was fine in the earlier paragraphs, because everything became clear in the end, but this last bit didn't have that, for me at least.