Reading Excuses - 2015/09/07 - The Green Ocean, Chapter Three (Ambrose) - 3,742 words

[Majestic Fox he/him]

Here's chapter three. 

 

Any feedback welcome. 

 

Cheers.

[Mandamon he/him]

It's been a while, but I think I remember what was going on.  

 

Ambrose's sister is a new twist, but we don't get a lot of information about her.  The first part of the chapter sort of falls flat for me because she just leaves and we never find out anything about the letters, why she's there in there first place, or even where she's traveled from.  I'm sure we'll get more information soon, but right now that section almost feels unnecessary, except for Ambrose telling Thomas to cancel the order.

 

The second part is much more interesting to me.  I had a little confusion when Ambrose was getting lost in the cave, but then he's lost, so that might be expected.  I was sort of cringing as he gulped down vials.  As I recall, they're very expensive?  Very interested to find out who the girl is, as well as what happened to his brother.

 

You may have mentioned this previously, but where is the black rock in the cave?  I'm not sure whether it's blocking a whole path, or if there's just a chuck of rock sitting in the middle of a passage, where people can walk around it.

 

 

a couple notes:

 

pg 4: brushes -> brushed

 

pg 4 ‘He’s agreed to fund the Kovorus.

--missing an end quote

 

Looking forward to more!

[Robinski he/him]

Straight into the details, overview at the end.

 

(Chp.2 re-write)

 

I think words like “long-haired” and “tight-fitting” usually are hyphenated. There are several other examples throughout that I would hyphenate if it was me - which it's not!

 

“’A very good evening to you, sir.’ He tipped a bottle of Veylandian red in Ambrose’s direction. ‘No. Thank you.’” – I love this technique. It’s so effective. A question is asked without words, therefore not cluttering up the dialogue, and also emphasising another sense, sight, instead of the perennial hearing.

 

“but I fear your to you're going to...”

 

“He cut another slice of grilled eel and took a” – we already know the eel is grilled.

 

“Ambrose did not join him in his toast.” – A subtly disparaging line – I like it.

 

I like the closing line of the chapter too. It gives information but also a sense of drama at what is implied to be an audacious enterprise. It drives plot and drama and conflict. Nicely done.

 

(Chapter 3)

 

“rolling melon” – lol

 

“Thomas strode in that relaxed, easy way of his.” Seems like there’s a word missing here, in the sense of ‘Thomas entered in that relaxed way of his.’ If he was walking past, I could see that ‘strode in that way’ would work, but I feel in this sense it’s trying to be ‘strode in in that relaxed way’. I hope I'm making some kind of sense.

 

I have trouble thinking of Ambrose as on ‘old’ scoundrel, and isn’t Thomas older?

 

“Something in his tone made Thomas stop pacing and looked into his eyes”

 

‘Thomas!’ He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his.” – This is odd, I don’t think I’ve ever commented on the problem this way round, but I don’t see how you can have two different he’s and him’s and his’s in the same sentence, it’s not clear what’s going on.

 

Can laughter be ‘dim’? I would say that was a light-based adjective. Then again, a dull sound is alright. Hmm..., interested in other opinions.

 

Ele’s departure is the first bum note that I’ve felt in the story so far. I wasn’t convinced by their argument, which there seems to be no basis for. I can see that she’s feisty, and that Ambrose has a temper on him, but I it felt manufactured to me. Ele seems like a good character and we may not have seen the last of her, but I'm left feeling that she was just wheeled into this one scene to add tension.

 

“urine-scented”

 

“but that would have involved human interacting interaction”

 

If Ambrose is seeking to avoid human interaction, I'm surprised that he chose to leave the house.

 

“should have been feeling some sense guilt. or wrongness about it” – he is feeling wrongness about his reaction to it.

 

“or Thomas would order fossite” But Thomas has already done that, I don’t follow. Do you mean more fossite?

 

Whoa, whoa whoa. Kyle was a member of the Guild, surely that was why he was able to use the ‘foul liquid’? How the heck is Ambrose going to be able to use it – can anyone become imbued with this fantastical ability then? Could Ele do it? I did not get that from the conversation that Ambrose had with Kyle.

 

“It was beginning to seem like whatever Lyle had done simply did not work for him.” – I think there’s a fundamental issue with this sentence. If he doesn’t know what Lyle did, how can he expect to do it? What is he supposed to do when he hears the sound? For me, there is a flaw in this ill-conceived attempt to use the ‘magic’.

 

“he had said anyone could do it” – Did he? I totally don’t remember that.

 

“upper lip pulled back and both ears pointing eastward” – rofl

 

“Others were more larger”

 

I like the ‘descent’ into the song, but the thing about the brother’s grave threw me for a loop. Did he have a brother? Is he imagining that? Then it’s not used for anything in the scene, so it seems like it’s from another story, not relevant here at all. If he has a brother, why didn’t he come up in Ambrose’s conversation with Ele?

 

The rest of the ‘dream’ (I'm sure it’s not, but for want of a label...) sequence is a bit weird. I suppose it’s to be expected that it doesn’t make sense, but there is mention of things that don’t seem to relate to anything in the real world. Breath seemed an odd statement. Oh well, no doubt things will be explained in due course.

 

In summary, as always, I really enjoyed the style and the language – it’s a pleasure to read. I enjoyed the characters, although some of their choices and reactions did not entirely convince me. I particularly enjoyed the forward movement of the plot in this chapter. There are actions and conflict, but they continue to progress the story at a fair pace, which I am finding satisfying.

 

More please!

Edited September 11, 2015 by Robinski

[Majestic Fox he/him]

Thanks for the feedback, both. Insightful as always.

 

Here's a bit of explanation for contractions in the story and new characters popping up..

 

It's basically a drawback of discovery writing. The story deviates from the original outline, which is good because it feels more organic and new story events emerge, and bad because things get left out and become a bit confusing. To get round this I have two outlines: one that maps the story I'm writing, and one that describes how it will look in the second draft.

Ambrose's sister is a good example of this. After chapter two, the story was beginning to feel too plot heavy. Something felt like it was missing. Elenor fills that, but for it to work the way I want it to, she needs to come into the story earlier and leave later. 

 

As for his brother, he plays a crucial role in the story, but I wasn't sure how to weave that into the first two chapters so I've left it for the second draft. 

Edited September 11, 2015 by Majestic Fox

[rohyu he/him]

Chapter 2:

“and wore mauve smoking jacket”

'wore a smoking jacket'

 

Chapter 3:

 

-“Thomas was due shortly and it would not do to have an empty table.” The double use of do (even though it is different versions of do) sounds awkward to me.

 

-the basket and began unloading her cargo on the kitchen table.’ 

Extra apostrophe at the end of that sentence.

 

-"she looked that wide eyed"

I think you forgot a word.

 

- ‘He’s agreed to fund the Kovorus. 

Forgot an apostrophe on the end of this sentence.

 

Pg5:

-‘Today I saw man turn gate stone into vapour.

I think you forgot the word 'a'. Also, I am not sure if gate stone is a place/specific object, or if he turned a gate made out of stone into vapor.

 

Pg6:

-"Something in his tone made Thomas stop pacing and looked into his eyes."

I think it should be, 'and look into his eyes.'

I had a little bit of trouble keeping track of who was speaking when Thomas and Ambrose were talking.

 

-'He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his'

Need to choose one person to use him/his. If you use a pronoun for both Thomas and Ambrose in the same sentence, it can be very hard to figure out who is doing what.

 

Pg7:

-‘Call off the shipment.’

I think it sounds better as, “To call off the shipment.”

 

 

The cooking and eating with Ele worked well to introduce the character for me. Nothing really happened with her, but I didn't feel like it was wasted time. I am assuming she is going to be a character we see a lot more of in later chapters.

 

Pg9:

-“coming to a stop in the relatively calm of a urine scented alleyway. “

This sounds awkward to me. Maybe try, “coming to a stop in a relatively calm, urine-scented alleyway.”

 

pg11:

-“human interacting,”

should be 'human interaction.'

 

“ Not that felt inclined to celebrate”

You forgot the word 'he' I believe.

 

Pg14:

-“From somewhere up ahead a droplet fell”

I think it sounds better with the 'From'

pg15:

-'She looked the same age as him, but for her dark blue eyes'

It seems awkward that you compare age then appearance in the same sentence.

 

-“The ageless girl held him in her arms”

I think you meant he doesn't know what her age is, but he just said he thinks she is his age. Did you mean 'ageless' as 'immortal' here?

 

Pg16:

I'm guessing The black stone is the tunnel Ambrose was in, but I don't think I am supposed to know for sure yet where he was.

 

 

 

I think capitalizing 'Black Stone' and 'Grey Stone' might make things clearer for me. They seem to be specific places, not just colored stones or common house-gates. Or I am super confused as to what they are.

 

Ambrose's experiment with the vials of liquid seemed very haphazard. I didn't get the sense that Ambrose was reckless, just that he was a loner. That may be because I have only read one and a half chapters though.

 

After reading I want to know more about the capabilities of the girl, Ambrose, and the liquid. 

[Majestic Fox he/him]

Thanks for the feedback rhoyu.

 

I'm interested to know if anyone understood why Thomas leaves in such a hurry. Ostensibly it's to call off the shipment, but there's something else going on.

 

‘Thomas!’ He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his. ‘You must know how I regard you.’ 

A strange tension filled the room as Thomas read the emotion in his eyes. He was trying to convey respect, but something else had come out instead.

 

In previous chapters there will have been an unusual amount of description about what Thomas is wearing, the cut of his figure, how the light catches his fair skin etc.

 

Ambrose isn't consciously aware of his attraction to Thomas, but he is attracted to him.

[Robinski he/him]

Hmm..., I didn't feel that there was any more description of Thomas than there was of Kyle, who had a purple smoking jacket and tight-fitting trousers, if I remember correctly. I think I skipped on pretty quickly from this without really noticing the homoerotic tension. Probably just my emotional obtuseness!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I really like Ambrose's interaction with his sister in the beginning of the chapter. 

 

- Thomas calling Eleanor beautiful seems just a bit off. You might want to add a little more detail, perhaps about how she doesn't resemble her brother, or didn't get her brother's looks.

 

- I agree with Mandamon - it'd be nice if we got more information on their relationship, and perhaps more sibling interaction. I also wanted her to say something more when Thomas and Ambrose adjourn to the study. '

 

- He hasn't seen Ele in years, says he wants her to go and then is surprised when she does just that? It might work better if he said something like "Now's not the best time . . . ", tried to make an excuse and Elle is offended in the resulting exchange.

 

- I really liked the end of the chapter, especially Ambrose's meeting with the girl and his dazed awakening. I'm really curious where things are going from here. 

[Mandamon he/him]

 

I'm interested to know if anyone understood why Thomas leaves in such a hurry. Ostensibly it's to call off the shipment, but there's something else going on.

 

‘Thomas!’ He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his. ‘You must know how I regard you.’ 

A strange tension filled the room as Thomas read the emotion in his eyes. He was trying to convey respect, but something else had come out instead.

 

In previous chapters there will have been an unusual amount of description about what Thomas is wearing, the cut of his figure, how the light catches his fair skin etc.

 

Ambrose isn't consciously aware of his attraction to Thomas, but he is attracted to him.

 

Yep.  I caught that.  I didn't comment on it, as it seemed to fit in the story.  I assume we'll find out more about this later.

[Shrike76 he/him]

Apologies, I'm slow to get to the readings this week.

I thought this chapter was quite good. I joined after the earlier submissions so I wasn't aware of the background, but I decided to read it cold anyways to see how lost I got, and it turns out the answer was "not very". The information presented was clear enough that I got the gist of what was going on. And then I read the summary you provided, and the bit of the previous chapter, and I think you've done a good job of telling us what we need to know when we need to know it, without it feeling too much like an info-dump or leaving us lost and confused. The character interaction was a bit off (I'll get to that) but I found the individual characterization quite good. Each person feels distinct enough in how they speak and act.

 

The few exceptions:

 - Elenor & Ambrose: This is the one thing I feel you got really off. Their relationship is extremely strange. She just shows up like it's normal and starts to make dinner after having dismissed his maid, but they haven't seen each other in 3 years? Who does that? Their whole interaction, from when she shows up until she leaves the second time in the streets feels extraordinarily odd. When did she even dismiss the maid in the first place?

 - The Song: Going into the cave and drinking the vials, I'd have like to know that he was doing it with a purpose, and achieved it. I'd like to have seen him a little more excited that things were happening, rather than just following the song.

 

One punch you pulled:

 - Ambrose's feelings for Thomas. He comes close to saying it outright, and I don't know how up front he's been about it earlier in the story, but when the "strange tension filled the room" I would have liked to see more of what Ambrose actually felt since we're in his point of view for this chapter. What's the strange tension? Is he hiding his feelings and he's afraid Thomas caught on? Are his feelings obvious and the tension comes from a sort of rejection? This is such a great opportunity for character development (both for Ambrose and Thomas), don't hold back on this one.

 

The Small Stuff:

P1:

 - "It was his little sister" - Should be the first thing mentioned, not the "familiar-looking young woman". He knows who it is, don't hide it.

P2:

 - "cargo on the kitchen table.'" has an ' at the end that needs to go.

 -'"I didn't get your letters!" She froze' - This lost me completely. I thought Elenor said this, but it was Ambrose, and the next several lines of dialogue were very difficult to attribute because of it.

P3:

 - "Thomas' grinning face moved from Ambrose to Ele..." - No it didn't. His face stayed where it was. You need to rephrase this.

 - "He did not laugh," - More attribution confusion. I don't know who "he" is here.

P4:

 - Ambrose is spending a lot of time thinking about his sister's exposed flesh and her curves. He's getting creepy. Also, this would be a good place for Ambrose to feel some jealousy.

P7:

 - "Ambrose could feel is his sister's eyes..." - Unneeded "is".

P11:

 - "feeling some sense [of] guilt or wrongness"

P12:

 - "to reach [the] wall of black stone"

 - "but all [he] could here was distant a distant rushing sound" - Missing a "he", there's a misspelled "hear", and an extra "distant"

 

All in all, pretty good stuff. I'm looking forward to more.