Semptember 9th 2013 - TracerTK- 3-Mac CH1 (V)

[TracerTK]

I've reworked a lot of my first and feel that it's way more polished now than it was before. Please let me know what you think aside from spelling.

 

Thanks 

[jParker]

Well, it's definitely come a long way, that's for certain. However, a lot of the original issues are still there. A lot of your sentences are heavily redundant--

"3-Mac decided on a course of action and acted"

"Their purpose and only sole purpose"

"when they began to stop what they were doing because a loud explosion had just taken place no more than a mile away from the production warehouse"

--which, combined with the frequently passive voice makes the piece seem to drag on. In a medium where every word is an opportunity to lose your audience, this is crucial. Which brings me to my other point.

 

While I think the passive voice makes sense for a robotic protagonist, it makes for horrible storytelling. There's no sense of risk or drama or humor or anything beyond an objective description of facts. There's no attachment to any characters and frankly the plot is nowhere near exciting enough to compel me to read on. I honestly want to know why I ought to read this story. I'm not trying to accuse or ridicule or condemn; only (attempting to) promote growth.. 

[Guru Coyote he/him]

I'm glad jParker took the role of stern critic  

We all know and remember how it can sting when someone picks out all the flaws of our writing.

 

I'd like to point out some other observations I had while reading, which are more to do with content than language.

First: There must be something about this story - I did read it all the way to its end. I agree with jParker that having a purely robotic protagonist for the first part of this story is a very hard sell. There is just so little why a reader might care about a machine.

One thing I think you tried to do, and which I liked, is show the transition from purely robotic to self-aware AI the protagonist undergoes. If that's what you tried, there are a few places where this get's broken: 

You do have some reflective thought for 3-Mac at the beginning of the story, when he wouldn't be having 'thoughts' at all.

Also, you have a scene where 3-Mac observes himself in a mirroring plate of metal. I see why you did this, to be able to describe to the reader how the robot looks. It kills the 'pure-logic' aspect though. At that point the machine wouldn't give a fig about its reflection, and later in the story, when it/he would, it's too late. 

I'd recommend going with plain description by the narrator here. Just tell us what the machine looks like.

 

And a suggestion of how you can improve those repetitive words and passive voice etc.

I'm not sure if you already know of this tool, but it nicely marks out those issues. Paste in a bit of your prose and tweak it until the tool stops complaining. I'm not suggesting you write like the tool suggests, but trying to satisfy it is a great learning experience

http://prowritingaid.com and its free, so there.

[TracerTK]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. The first version of this chapter lacked a whole lot of action that people were looking for. Instead of 3-Mac just leaving the city, I wanted to add a life threatening reason to leave the city. As for the lack of plot, I'm not sure how much I can give away or input in the first chapter without it being a large info dump. Any suggestions would be great on this.

 

As for why a reader might care about a machine, I'm starting to agree with you. You've now given me a new idea of how to break up chapter 1 into 2 chapters, maybe even having the new chapter one take place before the appearance of 3-Mac. Also, I had no idea about the prowriteaid tool and will sternly use it.

 

Again, thanks for all the critics. Your opinions will only cause me to improve my writing style and add more content.

[Mandamon he/him]

I agree with the others.  This has come a long way from the first draft.  The others caught the biggest parts I was going to mention, such as passive voice and redundant sentences.  There is one more technical detail:

it's = it is

its = possessive of it

If you come to an "it's," say "it is" and see if it still fits the sentence.  you'll learn the difference quickly.

 

Having seen the difference here and the last post, the best advice I can give is to write through the whole story.  Don't go back and edit.  Finish writing, let it sit for a week. and THEN go back and look at chapter 1.  You'll see a big difference, and you'll see what we're pointing out for yourself.

 

It is very hard to introduce a robotic character as the main POV, but I think you can do it and still have an exciting book.  It's a hard challenge, but as you grow as a writer it will become easier.

I would also advise, before you write any more, to read Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.  Seriously.  Read the whole thing, cover to cover.  It's available in most used books stores, or on Amazon for $5, and it's 100 pages long.  Read the whole thing, and then read through your chapter.  See what you recognize.

[Mysty she/her]

maybe you could better show the change from simple machine to sentient AI by writing 3-mac's perspective as if it was computer code, then gradually switch to AI as his sentience expands. For Example:

Material Received.

Identifying...Crate type AA53

Processing Sequence W47...Execute

Fold, turn, weld, turn...

Processing sequence W47 complete.

Awaiting material

Material Receiveing error code 76: Maximum time interval exceeded

Troubleshooting...power failure to conveyer belt

Standby for repair drones.

Instruction download...analyzing

Proceed to communication hub 88JDX for unscheduled system upgrade.

Route parameters: Avoid Security drones at all costs

and so on. the reader probably doesn't need to know what the factory is making or why power went down. Starting this way zeros in on action rather than description, and would provide greater contrast with the sentience it gains at the communication hub.

after 3-Mac's upgrade you can easily revert to a more normal way of storytelling, leaving the command language behind.