5 August 2013-jParker-Ostinato Ch. 2(LV)

[jParker]

Alright guys. I'm looking forward to hear what you have to say. 

[Mandamon he/him]

So this has some of the same problems as the first chapter, mainly the lack of context.  Again the writing itself was good, and it was easy to read.  I didn't really have any problems with the dialect, either.

 

pg 2: you repeat "children" in two consecutive sentences.  Sounds a little awkward.

 

pg 3: "As the crone tied a small knot, Layna swore she caught a glimpse of the woman’s soul."

--is this a hint of a magic system, or some sort of metaphor?  I looked for anything during the rest of the chapter to explain it, but there was nothing.  I finally decided it was an intro for the description of Mae, but it reads as melodramatic.

 

pg 7: "For a moment, it might have been Layna’s heart strings Jake was playing. Storm clouds gathered behind her eyes, threatening to unleash their torrent. No, not here. Ruachain was a time of celebration, not mourning. And Layna knew what was said behind her back."

--this paragraph doesn't make sense to me.  You've just said Jake is not a good singer and Layna wants to leave the room, the music is so bad, and then he is tugging at her heart strings and inspiring memories?  

 

Layna seems to have some hidden demons, which makes her more interesting than any of the characters in the first chapter, but there is still some context missing.  She seems to be familiar with the possibility the village could be attacked, but we don't know why or by who.  Does she have a guess?  The very end of the chapter was a little confusing as to who was speaking, and I had to read it a second time to figure it out.

 

"Layna knew she should have run after the men and their wriggling mass"

--Are they carrying people off with them?

 

Also, these three names came up during the chapter. I figured out the Euluan was the family name, and Rauchain seems to be a celebration of some sort, but we don't know for what.  I have no idea whether the Lierax are a rival town, an army, or a group of animals. 

Rauchain

Ealuan

Lierax

 

So at the end of it, I still would like to learn more, but this is almost as rough as the first chapter.  You don't want to give away too much too early, but at the same time, there needs to be more explanation of the basic situation.  As it is, I'm too confused to draw conjecture on what the plot might be.  If I know a little more about who the fighters are, or who Miller and Pate were supposed to be spying on, I could guess.  Some of the names sound French, but at this point, I don't know if this is an alternate Earth history, an alien world with magic, or an adventure tale from the 1700s.

[jParker]

Thanks for the feedback Mandamon. 

 

If I might ask a couple of questions...

 

1) What names sounded French? I know Emmy/Emilia probably does, but whom else?

 

Also, since I had planned this to be a secondary world adventure/drama circa AD 1680, what can I do to make that more evident to the reader? Furthermore, we will see the fighters again, sooner rather than later, while Pate and Miller won't come back for a while. As for magic, no. In the world? Possibly. But not in this story.

Edited August 7, 2013 by jParker

[Mandamon he/him]

French names:  Mainly the ones I brought up: Rauchain, Ealuan, Lierax.  Also Richard, I guess, if you say it with an accent...  Mainly it was the time period and civil unrest.  Seemed very Les Miserables.

 

I got pretty close with a guess at the time period, so that is probably alright. Some of the context will come through in the book cover and where it would be sold, of course.  It's harder to get that across in this forum, where we're just reading bits of prose out of context.

 

Do you mean this is a world that is not Earth, in a period similar to the 1680's, with no magic?  If so, I would suggest to make it an alternate Earth, so you can give out some place names we might recognize (Gaul, Paris, London, Constantinople...) or institutions (Ottomans, Catholics, Moors...).  If this is an "alien" world with no connection to Earth places, but somehow having humans and human-like structures, you're going to have a much harder time getting people to suspend disbelief and not ask questions about how things got the way they are.

[Carcinios he/him]

I don't think the dating is an issue here at all. The technology level is well enough established and although I was going slightly more medieval than you had here the longer the story goes on the more precise the feel will become.

 

Although I complained about the names in the last chapter I thought they worked much better here. Richard and Jake didn't bother me at all because they felt in keeping with the setting of the backwater village. A little clarification would help with the family and festival names; it becomes apparent fairly quickly what's what but there is an initial jolt where I couldn't tell if Ruachain was referring to the people or the event.

 

Layna's character left me with a mixed response. I liked the hints of some tragedy in her past but felt that it was too obscure. Particularly during the hilltop scene (page10) you talk about her being transported to 'another time atop another hill' and then we don't really see what she is thinking about. You mentioned that Layna is the main POV character but in this scene it doesn't feel like we are seeing things from her perspective. It is like we are getting glimpses of what is in her head rather than seeing the world through her eyes.

 

Also to do with Layna, and this may be intentional so ignore if it is, I noticed that she has no trace of the accent that the rest of her family seem to have. If there is an explanation that is pretty cool and could provide the source for a nice bit of interpersonal conflict between her and any family members that survived the end. If not it might be something to consider changing, I found the accent to be a little hard on the eyes, but if you like then Layna should really speak with it as well unless there is a good reason for her to be more eloquent.

 

Finally I was wondering if it was worth introducing as many characters in such a short space of time if you were just going to kill them all at the end of the chapter. I didn't feel familiar enough with the family yet to feel their loss particularly and that made me wonder if the scene was necessary. If you introduced Layna at the start of her next chapter then she would still bear the same marks of loss, making her an interesting character to read and we would not have quite so much information to be processing.

 

So an improvement on Chapter 1/ Prologue but I would like to see more world development in the next instalment, what kind of government does Layna live under? Is there war or peace? Why do people raid random villages at night? (although that last one can wait a bit)

[Robinski he/him]

I enjoyed this chapter in some parts, and in the overall idea, but there were some things I had real problems with. I'm still looking forward to reading more, but I'm having issues that are troubling me. Nothing unfixable, if you think some of these are valid.

 

Page 1: a hundred different smells, but you only mention three, these seem to overpower the others, so how are the rest detectable? Seemed incongruous.

 

‘the’ belly

 

What is Ruachain?

 

‘drunk on ale and a completed harvest’ didn’t make sense to me at first, perhaps ‘...and the thrill of a completed harvest’?

 

‘everyone’

 

Page 2: ‘Auntie Mae’ made me think of Spider-man, sorry!

 

Even more scents than a hundred?!

 

Page 5: ‘unexpectedly’?

 

We find out here that Talmon is ‘Father or all’, but when his name is taken in vain earlier, we don’t know that he is a deity (presumably), could be anybody.

 

‘blessings yon measure’, beyon(d) measure? I would say that ‘yon’ is more commonly a contraction of ‘yonder’.

 

Is Richard’s plate really bare? He has not been given any food?

 

Page 6: ‘sang like broken glass’ – does broken glass sing? I’m not feeling that simile.

 

Neither ‘The boy’s fingers broke into an unsteady melody’ nor ‘his adolescent tenor began to sing’ sound right to me. These phrases sound as if the parts of the boy have sentience of their own.

 

Also, is the song about weed, because it sure sounds like it is?

 

Page 7: At the end of the page, we have another mystery in terms of what is in Layna’s past, but I'm still wondering about Richard, and why he is not participating. Somehow, these hints feel in conflict.

 

Page 8: I don’t like the word ‘dripped’ there, I think it has connotations that are more adult.

 

‘...a bird’s gonna rust on it...’ That’s not nice, I find myself liking Layna less and less as I read on, she should be setting any example to the youngster. Perhaps a bird might ‘sit’ on her lip?

 

Page 9: Emmy’s whining does not seem particularly mature.

 

‘...steep enough to be implausible for farming...’ – ‘implausible’ doesn’t sound right to me, ‘unsuitable’?

 

I think ‘plopped’ is the sort of word that would be used in a children’s book. Brandon has used the word ‘squished’ more than once and I hate it, it’s not Sesame Street, Brandon, we’re grown-ups here! (Sorry, rant over).

 

What’s wealthy about having a bonfire?

 

Page 10: ‘The strong scent of stony earth and the sky before a storm’ What about the scent? The thought is incomplete, for example, ‘She smelled the strong scent of...etc.’

 

Page 11: ‘...practiced her corners’ mask since she was young...’ I don’t understand that use of the word ‘corners’, maybe it’s an expression I don’t know.

 

‘In a furrow of her brow, a twitch of her mouth.’ Is this not a continuation of the previous sentence?

 

‘Except it couldn’t have been Alest. The town was too far and in the other direction.’ Would it really take this long for Layna to notice that town was in completely the other direction from the light? I wasn’t convinced by that.

 

‘The word slipped out of her mouth like a greased pig.’ What?! I don’t think this is supposed to be a comic moment, is it?

 

‘But the sinking weight in her chest told her true.’ Grammar, to me the narrative should have a neutral voice rather than what sounds like a country accent.

 

Page 12: ‘They would have posted watch on the river—that was obvious. Maybe the pond too. The irrigation channels! There were dozens spread across hundreds of acres; there was no way to guard every one. And while the fallow grass barely came up to Layna’s knee, it might be enough to conceal Emmy.’ – I'm really confused now. Who is guarding the water sources and why? Why does she need to hide Emmy? Surely she needs to get her home safely a raise the alarm? For me there is too much going on that is not explained and only barely implied.

 

Now Layna is telling Emmy to hide when there is a fire that is presumable approaching, possibly at great speed? Maybe I’ve read the situation wrong, but that seems like madness to me, I now have little respect for Layna’s judgement, there must be someone who can look after Emmy, surely she needs to be with people?

 

Page 13: ‘The tinkling of steel against sheath’ – tinkling?

 

Page 14: ‘He knew what he was about.’ This seems to imply he has some expertise in this situation, but he then charges a man with a knife to his wife’s throat, that seems like a very poor choice, he seems to have brought about her death by his own action.

 

Who is the struggling lump and the wriggling mass? We aren’t told. Are we supposed to assume it is Emmy? If so, I don’t think it’s clear.

 

‘And though no one was there to see...’ where did they all go, weren’t they all gathered around? Maybe that was just my impression, but it seems to me they would be gathered around Aunt Mae’s body.

------------

 

I have two main issues with the chapters so far. Firstly, in this chapter, I think there are too many things hinted at and implied that are not sufficiently outlined, namely (1) Richard’s mysterious behaviour; (2) Layna’s past, where I think the hints could be more informative but still retain mystery; (3) all the references to guarding the water, which completely distracted my from the climactic chapter ending; and (4) the vague hints at the bundle. To me these things felt a bit like holes rather than mysteries.

 

The other issue I'm having so far is that I don’t feel engaged with Pate, and I seem to have taken a dislike to Layna. Neither has shown any competence or strength of character yet, and I think the reader needs more to latch onto and to root for.

 

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I was quite frustrated by these things. I think the arc of the chapter is ideal, and Auntie Mae’s death and a kidnapping is a perfect way to end it, and to create strong conflicts and motivations for the character, and desire in the reader to read on. I just think there are some points that need some more thought, but I'm still keen to read on to see how things develop.

 

And, reading through this again, I wonder if we get enough of a look at the raiders to develop a sufficient loathing of them, they are not really given enough sunstance for the reader to latch onto.

 

I hope there's something useful here that doesn't duplicate too much.

[Robinski he/him]

This has stayed with me over the days since I read it, and I realised that there is something that I don't think I said. I really liked the tone of the chapter, the mood of it. The transition from family gathering to threat and violence was nicely timed, and as I think back on it I really did like the atmosphere, in particular the impression of Layna and Emmy being out in the fields in the dark, and yet it not feeling threatening until Layna noticed the fire.

 

I'll shut up now.

[jParker]

Holy crap Robinski. I...I don't know what to say. Other than thank you of course.

 

A lot of what you've said I've realized independently, which is why I'm tabling Ostinato until I can get it back on track. It just feels disjointed and directionless, largely because it is. But I do appreciate the feedback guys. Truly.

[Robinski he/him]

I had to go back and add the addendum because I felt as if I had blasted the chapter somewhat first time, and yet as time went by I realised that the tone and the setting had stayed with me, I think you've got something there for sure, and Layna has good potential as a lead character.

 

(Hey, what do you know, I didn't shut up afterall... how unusual)