July 1st - akoebel - Shrouds Chapter 8

[akoebel]

This is chapter 8 from Shrouds, a fantasy mystery.

 

In the previous chapters, Mahau - a god of vengeance - was asked to investigate three gods disappearances. After visiting two temples and uncovering two gods bodies, he concludes someone is killing off gods. The whereabouts of the third disappeared god are still unknown.

Arlon - a disinherited god - joined forces with Mahau in order to prove his own innocence. In the last chapter, he barely escaped a murder attempt made against him.

 

In this chapter, Mahau goes to report his lack of findings to his superiors.

 

I hope you'll enjoy it. All comments are welcome.

 

[Mandamon]

Did you ever send this one out?

[akoebel]

Yes, on July 1st. I even received it from the list myself.

 

I can send it directly to you if you want or re-post it if others haven't received it.

[Carcinios]

I didn't get it either. I don't know about anyone else.

[Mandamon]

If no one else minds, I'd say post it to the group again if Silk is ok with it.

[akoebel]

I just re-posted it.

 

Thanks for noticing it.

[TracerTK]

Hi Akoebel, I just finished reading chapter 8 of your novel and though I haven't read the previous chapters a few things came up while reading. 

 

Your writing style was very simple in that it was easy for me to read. I didn't get stuck on any words or names and you painted a clear picture of where the main character in chapter 8 was. However, even though it was easy for me to read, the scene you painted went by quickly. I thought that you could have added more detail about the room the character was in and the surroundings. I've read books that are more complex and with their added complexities also found that it was easier to read if certain descriptions or details were shortened whereas the opposite applies in your novel.

 

After the God's came out it seemed odd that one of them would just blurt out info that wasn't really intended for a lower God. With the amount of time that Mahau was waiting for I thought that the God's would have debated or thought of how the meeting would go. the scenario felt a bit weird and made me second guess what was going on as the hours they spent in their 'room' didn't make any sense.

 

As I've not had the chance to read the previous chapters this critic may not apply due to that this issue may have already been explained. It doesn't seem like they're really Gods if they can be killed. I do like how you've incorporated the idea that their power stems from lesser Gods whose power is derived from their followers. It explains how their system works but it's very odd that they are Gods and can be killed. It's even more odd that they don't seem to know what's going on. I look at the definition of a God as being all powerful and all knowing but if you want to keep the story the way it is, it may be a good idea to define the type of God in your story or maybe have some divine rivalry. Again, these issue may have already been addressed or explained.

 

The last part was when you talked about the three deaths. It really took me out of the story when you said that one of the Gods had 'cut off one of his brain's blood vessels.' This kind of description doesn't feel like it belongs in a fantasy where there are Gods but would work better in a story that had science involved.

 

Appreciate you submitting chapter 8 and look forward to the next installment. Keep up the good work!

[Mandamon]

Yep--TracerTK nailed the problem with this chapter, without even reading the other ones.

 

First some comments:

 

pg 2: Weigh instead of weight

 

pg3: "Mahau exhaled the air he had kept inside his lungs without realising."
--You have several of these types of phrasings, where it can be simplified to: "Mahau breathed out" or "Mahau sighed" or "Mahau realized he was holding his breath and exhaled."  This is something to do in the editing process, but just be aware of them.

 

pg 4: "She never uttered a word but her eyes cowed the god into shame. Assai lowered his eyes and didn't dare speak anymore."
--This is sort of a POV error.  You're almost into Assai's mind here rather than Mahau's.

 

pg 6: "Assai's mouth gurgled almost as if he was going to throw up"
--Not sure you have te right word there.  Maybe twisted instead of gurgled?

 

pg 8: "'In a sense we do have followers,' Mandos said. 'You lesser gods are our life blood. Take too much away, and the greater gods weaken."
--And the elephant in the room.  this is BIG revelation to drop on a lesser god.  I assume this is guarded secret, since Mahau protests.  If so, this needs to treated a lot bigger.  The greater gods have kept it secret for a reason (presumably because it has something to do with becoming a greater god and they want their control) and they are not going to part with that information easily.  It could target them just as much as the killer.  I'm not saying don't reveal it--it's a great piece of worldbuilding--but make this a much bigger issue.  Some of the

greater gods will not want it revealed, and this would be a great shock to a lesser god, to realize  he's suddenly just as much a follower.  You can't just pass this information by in a paragraph.

This section starts to reveal a lot more about the gods, and this is a great chance to put in some worldbuilding and tell the reader about what's going on.  I don't think you really took advantage of that.  We learned about how the lesser gods affect the greater gods, and that there are about 50 lesser gods.  Who are the greater gods?  I assume they are gods of something, like the lesser gods.  How does this affect their personalities?  Would it make some less willing to reveal their secrets?  You mention Arden is Arlon's father, but we have no sense of how the gods would procreate.  Is Arden his biological father, or adoptive, or did he make him in some way?  I can only draw relations to the

Greek/Roman gods based on what you've told us so far--in that they are just as petty and fight as much as humans.  But each of the Greek/Roman gods had a very distinct personality and area of godhood, which you haven't really given here.  Overall, I think this is what is missing in the book.  You have a good setup going, but you tend to skip past a lot of the questions (and fun) that immediately come to mind if someone were to say "a lesser god is investigating the murder of other gods."

[akoebel]

Thank you both.

 

Very interesting comments - not something I would have thought about on my own.

[andyk]

I'm trying to catch up on some of the older submissions, and started with this.

 

I agree with the point the others have made about the big revelation in this chapter. It tells us more about how the gods work in your setting, which is good, but it isn't treated as the big reveal it should be.

 

 

I'm starting to notice a pattern in these chapters, where you put in description and some of the characters' thoughts and feelings at the beginning, and then largely ignore these for the rest of the chapter. So in this case there was some description of the outer room, but not really of the inner room once Mahau goes inside. This is a problem, as that's the room where the action takes place.

 

At one point you have the five greater gods looking up at Mahau - it would emphasise their importance more if you had them on something raised, so that they look down at him - linking physical position and power.

 

There are several paragraphs that start with an action or description, then go to dialogue. This is unusual in my experience, and makes for an odd reading experience. It may be worth breaking each of these into two paragraphs, with the second starting with the first line of dialogue.

 

'All I can say for sure is that the two killings were probably perpetrated by...' - this sentence seems contradictory - if they're only probably perpetrated in a particular way then surely the character isn'tt sure.

 

I also wasn't clear on why Mahau thinks this is the work of one being and not a group. You've put evidence into the story, and yet he seems to make logical leaps based on nothing. It would make for a better detective story if he could link his conclusions to the evidence he's found.

 

It's interesting to see this story gaining an element of divine politics, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that affects the investigation.