2013 Jun 24 - cjhuitt - Stone Weight of the Survivor

[cjhuitt he/him]

As was voted the title most people wanted to read (just based on the title), by a margin of 2 votes, I present Stone Weight of the Survivor.  It's a short story of ~2400 words.

[jParker]

Very cool take on the Medusa myth. I liked it a lot. The only change I would like to see is an elimination of the he/it--it's awkward and clunky. Either Melissa sees him as still human or she doesn't (and since she's the viewpoint, it's the only thing that matters).

[Mandamon he/him]

Welcome back to submitting!  This was a nice, concise piece.  I liked it.  It had a nice twist, and fell into the "Surprising yet inevitible" camp.  I didn't figure it out until right at the end, so good job on that.  I had to look back through the story to see the hints you had laid out,  for example, swearing by Hades, the title, the snakes on the helmet, and the first mention to a primary helmet--I completely missed that the first

time.  Once you metioned the snakes on the helmet, I only thought that she had some sort of medical powers.

 

I thought the pacing was good.  The first time through I thought the setup was long, but then realized it only took up about the first 3 pages, and then you get into the action. I have no idea about firefighting, but the explanations sounded plausible.

 

The only problem I saw was with the 5 minute time limit.  She was very concerned about getting out in that time--understandable because the house was burning and collapsing, but what happens after 5 minutes?  Would the crews just leave her in there?  The designation of "3 minutes" or "1 minute" left seemed like an artificial deadline.

 

I also agree with jParker on the he/it part as well.  I'd just pick one.

 

Overall, very enjoyable.  Looking forward to the others!

[andyk he/him]

I really liked this as a concept. The fire-fighter scenario was unusual and had me intrigued, especially when I was wondering at the start how that would combine with something fantasy-related. It was nicely written and I particularly liked that you used snake metaphors on the first page in a way that, in retrospect, subtly foreshadowed what was to come.

 

I didn't have a clear idea of what sort of fire they were dealing with for quite a long time. Unless I missed something, you didn't say that it was a house fire in the early pages. The reference to the fire not being routine led me to expect something weird or special, but then this was never explained - what wasn't routine about this? It led me to expect a pay-off that didn't come.

 

Unlike Mandamon, I wasn't drawn in by the pacing. Despite the scenario I didn't feel any tension in the early pages, as there was no sign of the fire worsening or anyone being in danger. Even once you started on the stuff about Melissa going into the house, I thought that you gave more detail of everything than necessary, slowing down the pace.

 

Once she found the kid, I didn't understand why she waited for him to be comfortable with her, rather than just grabbing him to get him out. For that matter, I didn't understand why he didn't just leap straight at this opportunity for rescue. For two people in a house on fire, they didn't show the urgency I'd expect about getting out.

 

The next thing I'm in two minds about, but I think you might also want to do more to set up the presence of fantastic elements early on. The use of 'by Hades' and a couple of references to her heritage in the first couple of pages hinted at there being something odd, but it wasn't enough to make me sure this wasn't a sci-fi setting, or even something mundane with a character of unusual ethnic background. While the second helmet was, in retrospect, also part of this, there again wasn't enough to tell me if this was sci-fi, fantasy, or just my ignorance about modern fire-fighting equipment. Keeping from the reader the fact that this is a fantasy situation and a character isn't human is fine, but keeping those things from them when the PoV character is the non-human one, that feels forced and unconvincing to me.

 

Oh, and I agree on the he/it thing.

 

And on the previous discussion about the title - it's great, intriguing and poetic.

 

Like I said, I think this is a cool and unusual scenario for a story, with some nice writing. But making the PoV character the twist didn't work for me.

[Robinski he/him]

How do you pronounce 'Siane'?

 

I like the first paragraph, I'm asking questions like, 'Why is she the lynch-pin?' and 'What is her heritage?', which of course makes me want to read on.

 

The voice of the narrative is rather informal in places, which I find brings me out of the story a bit at the start, for example in para.1 - 'a pain' rather than an inconvenience; para.3 - 'job turned' rather than 'job became', I guess it's maybe just a style thing though - my problem not yours!

Does it really take four to manoeuvre the hose, increasing to 5 when Mel joins? Seems inefficient - I have a picture of them all standing there like a tug-o-war, but I guess I am reading this incorrectly?

 

There is some negative phrasing in relation to Mel in the first couple of pages. There's mention of her taking it easy and abandoning her post, not that she is as such, but the association of those phrases made me think negatively.

 

I like the feeling of urgency, very effective, And when the time starts ticking up (even though I'm not quite sure what is due to happen in the 5 minutes allotted, the tension is great.

 

And then the twist, nice one! I really enjoyed that, very effective. Completely unexpected and yet the title of the story falls nicely into place.

There were a few grammatical points that I noticed, but the flow of the action so effective that I was pulled past them at a good rate by the story, and my desire to reach the end. I liked the pacing, and there were some nice points of details, such as the boy holding a llama rather than a teddy bear.

 

As the Writing Excuses team would say, I thought you kept all the promises made to the reader at the beginning and I was left feeling satisfied by the story. Overall, very good, definitely enjoyed it.

 

I agree completely with the others on the he/it thing. Flipping over to using 'it' and 'the statue' would be interesting, but because she knows the boy can be reanimated(?) perhaps 'he' is the more likely, not sure.

 

More please! I still want to read 'Elephantine vs. The Stoat'!

[cjhuitt he/him]

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback so far.  If I'm not responding to the individual items, don't take that for me rejecting them.  I just have nothing in particular to say about them.

 

How do you pronounce 'Siane'?

 

I guess I've been pronouncing it as "Sci-Ann", but that doesn't mean it's how the name is officially pronounced, if it is indeed an official name.  I've forgotten where I came across it.

 

Does it really take four to manoeuvre the hose, increasing to 5 when Mel joins? Seems inefficient - I have a picture of them all standing there like a tug-o-war, but I guess I am reading this incorrectly?

 

Four to five may be a bit much; I might have to trim it down a touch.  Siane with her enhanced abilities could definitely reduce the number needed.  However, depending on the size of the hose and the amount of water flowing through it, three or four isn't out of the question.  A couple of pictures via google search:

http://www.fleminggulf.com/cms/uploads/news/firesafety.jpg

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/wyrk.com/files/2012/10/Highland-Hose-Fire-Company-10-10-12-630x420.jpeg

http://www.rffd.org/rffd.org/3onhose.jpg

 

(I don't mean this to be defensive of what I wrote, nor did I take offense; many people may not know how many it takes, and that is a potential sticking point in the narrative.  I just think it's kind of fascinating, and wanted to share a couple of details about it.)

[Robinski he/him]

I just think it's kind of fascinating, and wanted to share a couple of details about it.

 

Thanks for those photo links, very interesting. I guess people don't really think about that, I know I didn't. Your story obviously got me thinking about fire-fighting too, which can't be a bad thing.

 

Also been thinking about the story since I read it, and the practicalities of every day for a gorgon in modern society - many challenges I'm sure, and I'm wondering now if there are other mythical creatures leading 'hum-drum' lives in that world?

[cjhuitt he/him]

Also been thinking about the story since I read it, and the practicalities of every day for a gorgon in modern society - many challenges I'm sure, and I'm wondering now if there are other mythical creatures leading 'hum-drum' lives in that world?

 

I missed this before, but yes, there are others, though not always "out of the closet" as such.  I'm about to edit/redo the piece, and one of the things I'm considering putting in is a couple small hints that another on the crew might be such.