20130624 - andyk - Yang Chengda's Wife (V)

[andyk he/him]

My latest effort, a short story using a steampunk Chinese setting. Looking forward to seeing what you lot think of it.

[Mandamon he/him]

This is very good.  I was sucked in after the first page.

 

The one thing that tripped me up at the beginning is the number of unfamiliar names in the first couple paragraphs.  I wasn't sure at first whether Xia was a person or a nation, and it took me a re-read of the first page to realize the husband/wife pairings didn't share a common name.

 

Another thing that seemed odd to me was the name "Heaven's Cage" for their village/house/town.  I wasn't sure what the structure was, so I couldn't find a connection with the name.  Are they trapped there in some way?

 

The only other part that brought up a marker in my mind while reading was why Yang Chengda returned so soon to the dirgible.  This could be explained pretty easily--negotiations broke off, a guard informed him, he got angry...and it doesn't really matter for the plot.  It just seems more like he was "moved" there at that time for plot if there's no explanation.

 

These are pretty small concerns, and I'm honestly struggling to find something wrong.  I enjoyed this a lot and it seems very publishable.  The steampuck touches added a good counterpoint to the traditional Chinese formality, and I liked Tao's viewpoint and strong personality.

 

 Just a note of curiosity:  Our Song Dynasty was from 960-1279 AD.  Did you mean for this to take place in a history with an unbroken dynasty until much later, or was it something else?  From the steampunk setting, I would guess this time period as 1880s to 1920s.  I had a little trouble guessing because of lack of clothes description to go along with the telephone, but again, not that important to the story.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Mandamon

[yankorro]

I liked this. There's a lot of potential pitfalls in writing in a cultural milieu other than one's own, especially with a female protagonist, but you seem to dodge them all quite elegantly. In fact, early on with the sort of stereotypical 'china doll' description of Zhao at the beginning and the scene where she gives Bao the mechanical box, I thought for sure Zhao was going to turn out to be some kind of automaton or something. Soooo glad that didn't happen.

 

Not being an expert, I can't speak to the authenticity of certain details and what not, but the impression I get is that you did the research. So, suspension of disbelief is there. The prose is clean and effective, with maybe one exception, the second paragraph. Feels a little speedbump-y to me--especially the first and last sentences.

 

>Though Tao Wan's husband was also a diplomat, Tao took pride in her own plain features. Lady Zhai's unforgettable elegance would have been a drawback in Tao's work, where fading from notice could be the difference between success and failure. But unlike Xia's rulers, the Song emperors had no place for women in their service.

 

The first sentence with "Though..." I don't really see the clear contrast between the first clause and the second (her husband's job and her pride). It feels like an uncomfortable way of shoehorning in exposition. I'd unpack it a little bit. Maybe saying, "Tao's features were much plainer. Like Yang, her husband was also a diplomat. But Lady Zhao's elegance would have..." etc.

 

Also, the last sentence of this paragraph doesn't seem well enough connected to the main idea of the rest of it. I'd suggest adding something there, like "But unlike Xia's rulers, the Song emperors had no place for women in their service, no matter how plain or beautiful they were."

 

Only other nitpick would be the sentence: "but needs must when the dragon battered at your door." It switch this to present tense, "batters".

 

You've noticed these are very minor complaints. In general, I think this story works quite well. Good luck with it!

[Robinski he/him]

I really enjoyed the story, having read three of yours now (Silence of Second Street, and Beta Three Leader) I think this one is the best in terms of style, setting and character. The narrative really clips along and, despite one or two minor phrasing issues for me, I think it reads really well.

 

I have some specific minor comments below, but it was the outcome that I had the most trouble with, I can’t bring myself to believe that one woman could walk onto a foreign diplomat’s dirigible and take a highly prized, top secret war manual without encountering any resistance. Where are his guards, why has he brought the critical war manual into (soon to be) enemy territory? How is it that China can be rendered powerless without this one book? I'm afraid that premise did not convince me.

 

But even though that aspect bothered me, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. Tao and Zhai are good characters and their interaction is for the most part very convincing.

 

------------------------------------

 

Pg2 – This first indication of the husbands being present felt disjointed to me. I didn’t understand who Bao Yong was until I had read further. There are a lot of names to keep straight in just over a page. Again, my impression was that the ladies were alone, with the husbands being elsewhere.

 

‘tiny double take’ sounded comical to me. If Zhai is practised in restraint as a diplomat’s wife perhaps she would do nothing more than blink? One or two of her reactions seem a little artless for someone in such a sensitive position.

 

Pg5 – I really like the tension in the exchange around the book, and the poorly concealed excitement that Zhai displays. I did wonder if she might not have made more of an effort to disguise her injuries, perhaps with some powder, since she would presumably go to considerable lengths to avoid the acute embarrassment of that being discovered.

 

At first I felt that Tao’s reaction (outrage, ‘terrible’) was naive for someone who seemed to be a spy, again on Pg9, where she feels guilt at deceiving a woman whose country would conquer hers.

 

Pg6 – This is the first mention of China/Chinese and it pulled me out of the story for a moment. I have no knowledge of any of the other names, so my assumption to this point was that we were dealing with different kingdoms within China, or possible some fictitious oriental setting. I think it would help some readers to confirm the setting on Page 1.

 

Pg11 – It seems too convenient that Zhai has such a compelling reason to turn against her husband, and that Tao shares it.

[edonil he/him]

Ha! Finally found time in this crazy week...

 

So, I loved this. Absolutely loved it. Great depth of intrigue, and a very well done job with Tao. She comes across as very believable in her manipulation, especially as you revealed bits of her past. I liked the subtle ways you did a lot of the diplomatic games that the two wives were playing, especially the bit about how the timepiece fits into the game. Not a heavy handed explanation, just a line or two that kept it pretty simple. I will agree that explanation of Bao Yong's role in the story could be a little clearer. I didn't have a hard time following it, but I can definitely see where some confusion could come in.

 

One thing that I noticed that was sort of jarring was a bit of a cultural thing. The dirigible having golden dragons for me was something that stalled me out. Dragons in Chinese culture were reserved for the Emperor's house, and golden dragons were only something for the Emperor. The way you have it setup at the moment, it comes across as Yang making a very subtle (or not so) attempt to be seen subverting the Emperor. It's a minor detail, but something that I'd recommend changing.

 

The other thing I thought odd was the ending. It seemed rush in some way. Granted, I'm not used to pacing in short story, so there's that... Also with the ending, I found it strange that, of the options she presents, he chooses the one that will be more damaging to his career. Definitely there's embarrassment in being caught like that, but to let her walk out with a manual of that importance? I would think that the consequences there would be much higher.

 

Overall, loved it, looking forward to reading more from you.

[andyk he/him]

Thank you all for the helpful and encouraging feedback. I finally got round to editing and submitting this today - despite all the positive comments, doing the edits proved daunting, as some of them sent small ripples through the whole story.

 

I have to admit that, while I did some research for this story, it wasn't extensive and was primarily on the political and economic situation in Song China. So if it felt authentic that's as much through the power of bluffing as through heaps of notes. That kind of showed in the dragon thing edonil picked up on - thanks for that, I wouldn't have known.

 

Mandamon, in answer to your question about setting, this is meant to be set in a continuation of the Song dynasty, but a continuation where advances the Song were making led to late 19th century technology being developed a few hundred years earlier. It was based on an idea from a history teacher friend of mine, who pointed out to me that the Song were starting to make extensive use of coal hundreds of years before the industrial revolution. He also gave me the ideas that led to Land of Black and Red, the steampunk Mayan story I sent round, and another one set in a clockwork Baghdad.

[cjhuitt he/him]

I just got done reading this.  I'll agree with the others that it is overall very good.  The spots where I was snagged from the story while reading were all mentioned above; the names, the "sudden" appearance of the husbands,  the importance of the book, and Yang Chengda's impotence in the end, when it seems like there are a number of things he could have done to help salvage the situation.  Like, for example, turn off the telephone.

 

I would also have liked it in the final confrontation if, due to her spy training, Tao had some last-resort ability to stop Yang... a poison needle or something.  Something she doesn't want to use unless absolutely necessary to save her own life, since killing a diplomat isn't usually a good thing.  She can then be desperate for another solution and hit upon the phone thing, meaning she doesn't have to use the other option.  It would remove a tiny bit of danger from the situation, but show a lot more competence in her own training and preparation in order to have that along.

 

Given that there is one book that will make it so the Chinese win (if only they have it) or lose (if their opponents have it), I was also surprised that Yang didn't do more to recover it, even at the possibility of getting himself blown up (an honorable atonement in death).  I don't know what you can and/or want to do to smooth that over, or if you want to make the writing itself compelling enough that people don't think about that aspect until after the story is done.

 

Finally, although children (and Chun in particular) figures heavily into the motivations of the story, I'm not sure that Tao's and Bao's reflection about changing their mind on having children (and their apparent agreement on the matter) is earned in the story.  It especially struck an odd note to me given that they were standing in front of a woman and her daughter that Tao had recently been manipulating via her "revelations" about children.  I would think that the super-secret spy training that Tao had received might put the emphasis on making sure the defectors are comfortable and gotten away from the location where they were last known to be, and not risk antagonizing them by basically revealing how they had been manipulated.