June 3rd - akoebel - Shrouds Chapter 6

[akoebel]

This is chapter 7 from SHROUDS, a fantasy mystery.

 

In the previous chapters, Mahau - a god of vengeance - was asked to investigate three gods disappearances. After visiting two temples and uncovering two gods bodies, he concludes someone is killing off gods.

Arlon - a disinherited god - joined forces with Mahau in order to prove his own innocence. In the last chapter, he barely escaped a murder attempt made against him.

 

In this chapter, Mahau goes to visit the third and last temple, expecting to find another body.

 

I hope you'll enjoy it. All comments are welcome.

[Mandamon he/him]

This chapter seemed solid.  I was actually expecting the other priests to be more like these--overly protective and belligerent.  I'm trying to think what would happen if a bunch of ABC worshippers crashed a temple to XYZ (pick your favorite

gods).

 

Mahau's anger at the beginning seems a little off.  From the rest of the story, I would guess he would get cold and deadly rather than hot and angry with the annoying priests.  This anger seems more fitting of Arlon.  Vengance/revenge and dishes served cold and all that.

 

I like that Arlon can see his defeciencies, even if he can't admit them.  I'm starting to like Arlon more than Mahau, now, because his character has more flaws.

[andyk he/him]

The pacing on this seemed solid, and it felt like it was moving the plot along. The fact that the attack on Arlon was a distraction was an unexpected twist, in a good way.

 

Like Mandamon, I liked that the priests were more resistance here, though I thought that they could have been even more challenging. Mahau and Neda persuaded the priests to let them in last time, and it would have been more interesting if they had to do something else this time - use trickery, or sneak in, or use magic to view the place, or... I don't know, whatever fits your setting. As it is, it feels a bit repetitive.

 

The thing I didn't like about the priests' reaction was that they didn't seem to be doing anything themselves about their missing god. I would have expected them to do something when the centre of their lives vanishes, whether their own investigation or some religious response, but instead they just seemed to be waiting for Mahau to turn up and investigate. Just a small sign of them being active in this would have made them seem more real.

 

As with the previous chapter, I could have done with more description. I didn't have any idea what Anroe's temple looked like, except a few details about his room, and I'm still very vague about Arlon's place. I also didn't know how the characters felt about things. Adding more of this to their PoV would have helped draw more me in more.

 

I got confused when they started talking about sitting on the broken chair, especially after Arlon had fussed about how destroyed it was, but that was a minor detail.

 

And again, Arlon's my favourite. He's the character with the clearest, most distinct voice, and in my opinion the most interesting personality. He added a spark to the conversations that made his parts the most enjoyable.

[akoebel]

Thanks to you both. Sorry for the late reply - my vacations prevented me from getting to the forum.