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Robinski - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 16 - Epilogue - 1176 words


Robinski

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Hey Robinski - thanks for sharing and putting up with our comments, though I'm really worried when you lead with "Don't be mad now. I'm just the author."

 

- i know I've said this before, but this is a section you should show, not tell. In particular, show Jack's uneasiness about relating Judith's condition and such. I think this is especially important, since we haven't seen much of Jack so far.

 

- I do like how you handle the uneasiness surrounding Blacklake and Jack when he asks if she has inquired about him. This doesn't sound good . . . 

 

- GAAH!!!!! I was not expecting that! I do like this twist of events, and I hope you are preparing to write a sequel, which I will definitely have to read as well. I'd like to see more of Judith's reaction in the end, but otherwise, I thought this was a great twist. 

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The first section (until pg 3) is very passive, which I suppose fits with Blacklake's mood, but doesn't keep the attention well.

 

Judith's section is much more active and reads better.  

 

Hmm...the ending is a little confusing.  Has Sabine possessed her in some way, or is her body still alive somehow?  It does help to explain why there are blocked/missing feelings, but you might be able to highlight that more to give the ending more zing (I assume Sabine's consciousness is what's keeping Judith and Blacklake apart).

 

I would almost rather see Blacklake's last section removed altogether and keeping the epilogue from Judith's POV.  Maybe it would add more suspense?  Dunno, but I'm out on the thin ice of suggesting things, so I'll leave it up to you.

 

Anyway, congrats on another finished submission!  Like the Tontine Inn, this was captivating, though this had perhaps more "thinky" moments.  I'm interested to read the other novellas.  How many of them have you written?

 

Like Rdpulfer, I'm eager to see Judith progression going forward.  I think she might be a more interesting character than Blacklake, especially if Sabine/Tarquin is still around.

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Thank you RDP, much appreciated. Love your reaction to the twist - lol.

 

Show don't tell is always something that I need to hear - guilty a charged.

 

Overall, I'm encouraged and certainly be writing the sequel sometime. There are six stories planned, which might become a different form in the end (novel / trilogy). I'm certainly conscious that this one could be tightened up. At 61,000 words it's probably too long rather than too short - I already cut 2,000 words just in editing for submission each week.

 

Your comments have been absolutely invaluable and I've really appreciated how positive and encouraging you've remained through the whole process - thank you so much.

 

(p.s. - I need to apologise for not critiquing Scholomancer Chp2 last week - I'm actually a third into it, but just couldn't find the time - that's next on my list :) )

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Mandamon, excellent comments, I would expect no less, thank you for sticking with it and challenging me. I can feel the story getting better with each week of critique.

 

As with all the other submission, I totally agree that the whole thing can be tightened up and clarified. There are numerous instances where events need to be supported by better description, but also less telling. It's a work in progress but it's so reassuring to be pointed in directions that feel right and ripe for revision.

 

Three of the six stories are completed. I posted on this somewhere, ah, found it!

 

1 - To Sail Beyond Sleep (24,600 word novella) - complete first draft

2 - The Tontine Inn by the Shore (17,370 word novelette) - complete second draft

3 - (Cornwall story - 1,170 word outline - so far!)

4 - The Mathematical Bridge (63,858 61,000 word novel) - complete first draft

5 - (Venice story - 967 word idea)

6 - (Norfolk story - who knows!)

 

I think I might switch the last two - Venice feels like a good place to finish the saga.

 

Mandamon, I am especially indebted to you for critiquing two of my stories in parallel. Call on me any time for your alpha/ beta/ proof reading needs!

Edited by Robinski
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To all who have critiqued at any stage, and especially to those who stuck with it to the end, I am humbled by your dedication and very grateful for your indispensable comments. It's a huge understatement to say that they have been useful - they will make the story so much better than I could on my own.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Rutland Blacklake will return!

 

<roll credits>

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