Reading Excuses 20150727 Scholomancer Ch3

[rdpulfer he/him]

Previously, Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him at the bottom of the ocean. One year later, Stephanie Van Helsing and her team of vampire hunters are still looking for clues to Dracula's whereabouts. While searching for Renfield, they find Mr. Hyde, the Invisible Man, and the mysterious Bannister instead. After dispatching the Invisible Man, Stephanie is swallowed by darkness after looking a scroll. Meanwhile, Renfield struggles to adjust to normal life as he meets with his therapist, Dr. Lancaster. A wounded Bannister arrives seeking help, and announces Renfield has a one hundred million dollar bounty on his head. 

[Mandamon he/him]

pg 2: the handcuff humor is a little forced...

 

pg 4: “Just the people in the room.” 

--in *this* room?

 

pg 4: "After her sister Jessica passed away, her mother tried to find. "

--missing something

 

pg 6: “Okay, see ya, Boss.” Stephanie said. 

--except Sean is her boss?

 

This had some good character development in it, but I felt a lack of urgency with the mission they were on.  Is someone following it up?  I seem to remember a time limit of some sort, so I would think they would all be scrambling if it's a day later.

This is also starting to remind me of Larry Correia's Monster Hunter books as well.  He deals a lot with the personal aftermath of monster attacks, like people changing in to vampires or zombies, which gives a lot of depth to the story.

 

Looking forward to next time!

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks Mandamon. I believe there is follow-up in one of the next chapters, but I might add more in this chapter, especially if I completely overhaul the first Stephanie chapter. Larry Corriea's Monster Hunter books are definitely an indirect inspiration. I've had this idea about Renfield for a while now, but it always felt forced until I got into the Monster Hunter International books, so that gave me an idea of how to approach it. Thanks again! 

[Kammererite]

At the end of this chapter I am beginning to feel the tension in the story ease off as both Chapter 2 and 3 are kind of breather chapters to me. However a this point I don't see it as a problem as the chapters are short, which means even though the tension is loosing I'm likely to read the next one. (this might be what your aiming to do with these chapter anyway). 

 

I do like the character interaction in between Stephanie and Jason.

Based on Stephanie comment I am left wondering if Westerna even knows Dracula is gone?

------------------

Page 3. He enough to handle as it stood.

Should this be: He had enough to handle as it stood  or He was hard enough to handle as it stood. 

 

Page 3. But necessarily bizarre

Missing word? : not

 

Page 4. She started spouting off hellfire and damnation and her and her father, claiming....

Did you mean at or to

 

Till the next chapter

Cheers

 

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks Kammerite. That is the idea - since they are vampire hunters, they aren't exactly buddy-buddy with Renfield, so to them, Dracula has dropped over the map. I think I need to clarify this more though. 

[Robinski he/him]

Interesting chapter, but a bit confusing. There’s a lot of information flying around, but it’s not really tied down clearly, seems rather loose, hints about this and that. The break in the narrative was strange. I'm not sure what effect you were aiming for, but I think the most important thing is to ensure that the reader doesn’t lose track of what's happening. Simple can be effective.

 

Detailed comments below. I'm losing track of all the characters. Maybe it would be less of an issue if I was reading right through, but whereas the legendary monsters are easy to keep track of, the hunters are not that memorable as characters, so far. So the fact that there are quite a few of them is what is confusing me, I suspect.

 

I'm not sure who the protagonist is either. Is it Renfield? He doesn’t get much focus. I think the lack of a clear protagonist is the other thing that disorienting me.

 

Still, interested to read more.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Great line about Stephanie being chained to the mattress, but I wasn’t sure why she jerked awake due to the lumpiness. It must have been lumpy all the while she’s been in it.

 

That’s steam coming from the coffee, not smoke, unless it is some weird kind of coffee.

 

“She had to resist from blushing” – grammar.

 

You’re doing that name thing again. It starts to read like a script. When you’ve used the name once, you can go to ‘he’ and ‘she’ – it would sound much more natural.

 

“doing a job where I don’t wake up handcuffed to a bed?” – lol, good line.

 

“I can’t be distracted from by the future...”

 

Whoa, I found the cut there really disorienting and I'm confused now. She’s still talking to Jason? So what was missed out? Why can’t the reader just hear what she says? I don’t know what it is she’s told him, so now I'm out of the story trying to remember stuff from before.

 

Second-most kills doesn’t sound like a record to me.

 

“her sister was had been some kind of prophet” – this was after the sister died, right? Hence the tense.

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks Robinski! I think my script-writing habits are still working into my prose writing. I also agree about the hunters - I think I've going to dump a large portion of them in the 2nd draft because, not only are they not interesting, but very few of them (outside of Stephanie) are crucial to the plot. I appreciate all the suggestions.