20150720 - Fruits of the Gods Ch23, Part 2 and Epilogue (3767) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Chapter 23, part 2, and Epilogue

 

Last time, the new tree grew, and the Dyad found it did nothing for them.  Here is the conclusion of Fruits of the Gods

 

Looking for any of the usual comments here, as well as final thoughts since this is the end of it.  I’m interested to see if this ties things up for you, and if I’ve kept the promises that I started the book with (for those who've read the whole thing).  Are there extra parts here that need to be carried back to the beginning?

 

Thanks to everyone for all the feedback and comments since whenever I started posting this.  I’ll be taking a break from posting for a few weeks most likely, and I’ll start editing this one later on this year.

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks for letting us read this and taking our comments! And also thanks for welcoming me to the community when I first got here. I wish you the best of luck with the editing process - let us know if you need anything. Now to see how this ends!

 

- I know I've said this before, but I really like how you've navigated POV shifts in the last few chapters. It's clear whose doing what and it adds a new perspective to the events.

 

- Really good job raising the stakes after Aricaba-Ata is depowered and the Dyad capture Kisa and just about every other remaining ally.

 

- I really like the reaction of all the characters to the tree's destruction. It's very somber. It's already a strong moment, but you could build on it a little more, add more description.

 

- The slaves turning on their masters is very effective, but the arrival of the natives feels a bit more anticlimactic. I realize it's the always-late cavalry, but it might be good to introduce them sooner, maybe before the Dyads are overthrown, so you can make the most of their fall.

 

- I like the last paragraph of the epilogue, but I think the epilogue in general needs to be a bit longer, with more payoffs for the reader. It's good that they are free, but show how different their lives are now that they are free.

 

Overall, I think it's a great book with a unique setting and great characters. I'll definitely read it again when it's published.

[Mandamon he/him]

Great comments.  

I agree that the Asha-Urmana are not used very much here.  I think I need to have a much bigger focus on their movements.  If I add in a POV from Hbelu, hopefully I can emphasize that aspect.

 

The ending is definitely short.  I thought about adding more to the epilogue, but I want to make sure I don't water things down too much.  I'll have to think about that some.

 

Thanks again!

[Robinski he/him]

Obvs you've seen these comments before on SRN, Mandamon, but I thought I would post them (slightly edited) in case anyone else was interested in comparing reactions.

 

"I found the rebellion scene and bit cluttered and confusing. I don't doubt that there would be confusion, but I didn't feel that there was a consistent narrative flow through that scene.

The Dyad and their supporters were almost completely ineffectual. The guards stood by and let the chaos unfold and had to be ordered forward, which I was not convinced by. Also, the nobles just seemed to stand around a gape. It's hard to believe that this ruling class could remain in charge for more than a month. Ata was the only one who took any kind of initiative.

I felt that the conclusion was rather underwhelming in various respects. There's a lack of resolution on Ata, and on the remaining Dyad and I felt that you didn't keep the promise you made throughout in hinting at the relationship between Kisa and Hbelu. They don't even share a conversation after he is freed - certainly nothing meaningful."

 

"I did enjoy the story. Although I've bitched and complained all the way through (where's the threat?!), I never felt that I didn't want to keep reading.

I think with a good edit you can massively improve the thing, because I don't think any of our comments and misgivings have been fatal issues.

I say again that the core of any good story is its characters, and you have a good pairing there, likeable characters who feel like rounded, flawed and effective people."

Edited July 23, 2015 by Robinski

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks Robinksi!  Always good to post the comments here as well.  Maybe it will generate some more discussion.