20130506 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 13

[Mandamon he/him]

Here is chapter 13 of The Seeds of Dissolution.
I know several are new to the story, so it will be harder to jump right in.  Here's a brief summary:

Previously:
-Origon flew the first capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji.
-Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt.  He escaped through a hole he somehow created in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether.
-Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species.
-Rilan meets her new apprentice, Enos, and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe.
-A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede.  Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls.
-In the Assembly, a witness to the Aridori testifies, while Sam learns more about Enos.
-Rilan realizes the witness is lying for some reason, but is upstaged by a rival, Vethis.  Origon attempts to diffuse the situation by bringing up his Drains.  Afterward, he learns Enos and her brother were also victims of a Drain and wants to immediately investigate the site, but Rilan stops him.

I'm looking thoughts on character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words or complexity of the story.

Thanks!

[cetriya she/her]

I only read the first 2 points as not to spoil it for me but your list is a wonderful example. 

I've read up to ch.4, but noticed that you summarized it in one point. This shows that the pacing for these chapters were slow and weighty with not enough things going on to wait till the 5th chapter to introduce Sam. You're telling me a lot of background info that I don't need, while not giving me any emotional descriptions of this very foreign world to get a feel for it. This messes up the rhythm of reading the story. 

 

for example, here's the 1st paragraph:

 

 

Origon stepped onto the portal grounds near Kashidur City on Methiem. 

3 foreign nouns and ambiguos description (what do you  mean by portal grounds? I don't figure this out till ch4 as a portal hub to different locations) in the 1st sentence doesn't really draw me in. In fact, you can just cut this out and just start on the next sentence. 

 

Excitement tinged the air.  He could feel it coursing through the crowd around him. 

After this, I would give a visual example of 'excitement' that would match the tone of the story. Someone doing something. what I mean is, an excited crowd would be different depending on types of people, location and reason for gathering. This seems to be a gathering of scientists, socialites and business people which would be different from a gathering at a beach concert. So, what do you mean by 'excitement' ? 

 

By the Great Winged One, he could even see it—tinges of crystal yellow of the House of Communication rode the rumors and gestures circulating through the crowds of people. 

This is an awkward sentence because its an info drop. One that is too early for me to have a frame of reference to care. The first part notes that he has some sort of a religious background so thats fine. The 'tinge of crystal yellow of the House of communication ...' at first I though it was colored garments for representation but then 'rode the rumors and gestures...' and now I'm lost to what this means. I sorta figure this out as a sense of 'aura' by end of ch.3, so I think its too early to introduce. Also, both 'crystal' and 'circulating' can be taken out because what is 'crystal yellow'? Is it like citrine? then best to say that. Make your adjective work more. 'Circulating' is repetitive since you typed 'rode' in the same sentence describing the same thing. 

 

Most of them were of the robust Methiemum, of course, but glancing around, he could see a few of each of the other ten species. 

By the end of ch.4 I still don't know what a Methiemum looks like so I how can I know what 'robust' mean? You're comparing size from the point of view of a species I can't relate to about another sepcies I can't relate too. Size is relative, and not the best thing to use when describing something (example, a 'little side table' vs 'a night stand' , or a 'huge man' vs 'an elephant of a man'). Also, this is the 1st time you mention the number of species. You mention it again in dialog in ch.4 in dialog which is the better spot to mention it. This sentence is also another info drop that isn't needed since you introduce the species as you go. You can cut this out.

 

He was sure not all were here with admirable aims.  This latest proof of the Methiemum’s ingenuity grated on some of the slower or more cautious species.

 

After this sentence is when I would suggest some description of the Methiemum. 

____

 

This is how most all of the first 4 chapters read, a lot of info drops with no description of what I do need to know. In one paragraph I'm given 3 names and 1 organization with no description  You have more names of things, I cant put an image to, pop up like Rilan. All I know is that she's female (how does a female of this species look like? why the very human reference to a corset? are they all humanoid? with one head, two arms, two legs, ect?).

 

Whats a kelhiw? is it an extension of self? like a soul thing? or mental will power? I don't mind not knowing for the 1st chapter but by the 4th, I should have a working understanding of how Origon and the Maji works. Are the house separated by genetic ability? Do they really look that different or are they like us, just different races but more similar then different? 

 

Also, if the farther distance to travel by portal is easier, and I assume thats how these species got together in the first place, then why is Origon excited? If they can travel to the other side of the universe and he's part of the house of communication, then i don't see why they don't spend their energy in communication devices where they can just send probes through the portal to see its ok for people to travel through instead of rocket ships (that still need magic to function). it would be like us making air plains if we had the ability to fly. By the rules of your story, I'd see them work on having better local car transportation then space ships. 

 

Right now I feel that its all unevenly yoked. I don't have a sense of what the story is about. I love space scifis and am glad one of the readings has one (convinced by my wall of text yet?). I'd say all of what happend (minus the who did what talk between Origon and Rilan) should happen in the 1st chapter so a lot of pruning and tightening. 

 

I'll comment on the rest of the story soon. 

[yankorro]

Hi there, sorry for the delay in commenting on this chapter (busy weeks around these parts...)

 

Here's my general impression of this chapter: We have what seems to be a "sequel-scene" sequence: Ori is moping about, mulling over what to do about the Drains, wondering about what Rilan's whole deal is, and rueing the day he took on an apprentice. Not a lot of action going on, which is OK, but I feel that it lacks structure. A quick suggestion: we start with Origon's thought process described in the abstract

 

>>Origon spent much of the night and the next day feeling frustrated...The sheer bureaucracy of the place was starting to get to him again."

 

Then in the second paragraph, we find that he's walking up the stairs after "a tasteless lunch" (I'm not sure 'tasteless' is what you want, it BTW, to me it suggests something like a cheap, offensive joke--maybe 'bland'? 'insipid'?) of bog grubs.

 

I'd feel more comfortable as a reader if you give me the scene first and then his reflections. LIke "Ori sat chewing the last of his bog grubs, unable to overcome his feelings of frustration."  Or something--I guess I just need a solid visual of what the character is doing before I can properly process any info about his thought process. Does that make sense?

 

In the second part, the more 'scene-y' portion, I found myself a bit at a loss in terms of the scenery of the Nether. Maybe because I read the earlier chapters so long ago but I don't have a very good picture in my mind of what Sam sees and what everything looks like? I'd like the descriptions to be more descriptive. You pay a lot of attention to character and exposition in this scene, introducing Inas and Rey and all of that, but the lack of concrete detail in the setting always feels like a missed opportunity to me, and actually throws me out of the story. More vivid images would hold me in more I think.

 

Speaking of which, is this money system going to be plot-significant at some point in the story? If not, I feel like there's a lot of space devoted to describing it that might not be necessary.

 

Last thing I'll comment on, I feel like there's a bit of conflict missing in this scene--like, there should be some obstacle that they're trying to overcome? We see that maybe towards the end of the scene when the crowd appears. Maybe you could try tightening up that whole scene to bring that in earlier.

 

Maybe I'm seeing something similar to what you pointed out in my last chapter--the dreaded slog through the middle section? (Although I feel like your story has a lot farther to go than mine...)

 

Anyway, good luck with it, hope my comments are as helpful as yours have been...

~NMW

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback!

Cetriya - Lots of good points. Some of those are the same as I've gotten from other readers. I agree the first part can probably be cut down quite a bit--the warning that your first couple chapter will get scrapped and all that.

I got a lot of other feedback about the amount of information. That will get toned down as well in the first edit. I do like your suggestion to bring a description of the Methiemum earlier, and it is important to the plot. Bringing it earlier may provide more of a hint for when they are described fully in chapter 8.

The question about the kelhiw and the Houses does get answered later on. This is a long book (I'm estimating 150k at least) so I'm not as worried about delaying some of the explanation a few chapters. I am worried if you get so frustrated you want to stop reading. Let me know what you think as you read more.

For portals, you have to have been to (or shown) the exit location, so Maji can't just open portals all across the galaxy. I may need to make that clearer. I think your other questions on technology will also get answered, but let me know if you're still confused when you get caught up.

Yankorro - I agree, this is getting into the swampy, boggy, middle. I had some trouble with this and the last chapter especially.

The money system is not really plot specific, so you're right--it can be cut down. Good point on the description. I'll look at that when I go back.

On conflict, I agree this chapter felt lacking. I couldn't get it quite right when I was writing. Let me know how this one compares with what happens in the next chapter (and beyond).

Edited May 15, 2013 by Mandamon

[cjhuitt he/him]

It’s good to see failing such as Origon thinking that what he would do is what his apprentice is needing also, even though it isn’t.  I was kind of surprised that Origon would go for the bargaining thing, though, especially at how quickly he closed it off again.

 

The money arrangement is all very metric-y and straightforward, but doesn’t sound like something that would grow organically.  It’s too neat.  Not a problem in the story, necessarily, but I hope you’ve accounted for that tidbit in your backstory.  Or it may just be trimmed some, which would help keep it from seeming too neat.