April 29th - akoebel - Shrouds Chapter 3

[akoebel]

Hi,

 

This is chapter 3 from Shrouds, a fantasy mystery.

 

In chapters 1 and 2, I introduced the major characters : Mahau - god of vengeance, his priestess Neda, Arlon - a disinherited god, his priest Forys.

In chapter 2, Mahau was called on an important and secret matter by his superiors.

 

Chapter 3 starts the plot rolling.

 

I hope you'll enjoy it.

[Mandamon]

There's some good things going for this plot.  I like the idea of a mystery between the gods.

some comments:

 

Pg 2: "Before soon"
-strange wording

 

Pgs 2/3 are a little too explainy.  By that I mean you could be a little more subtle with how you tell what's going on.
One example:  "‘You know we lesser gods don't hold you five in great esteem, so don’t try to bully me into doing what you want.’" comes across as maid and butler style conversation.  If they both know this, there's no point to saying it.  Maybe Mahau could show that he knows that's a bluff.
Same thing with "A greater god apologising? There’s something very wrong here."  It's a very direct tell of what you want to say.  Let the events show us instead.
In contrast, the very next paragraph  is a lot better.  Mahau recognizes they are afraid by their fear and need.  But you've already told us that, so it lessens the effect.

 

Pg 5: "going away investigating murders"
-Also strange wording

 

pg 6: "...reproving stare? The mere sight of her reproachful stare"
-maybe a different word choice there

 

Pg 8: "she said in what was probably the most icy manner she knew. She didn't like to have him here, and she was showing it."
-same thing here.  You're showing us, and then you tell us afterwards. Don't second guess yourself.  The first sentence is enough description.

 

Arlon is a lot better fleshed out in this one.  There's much less monologuing and he's a more sympathetic character, even though you can tell he's not really a "good" god.  I continue to be interested in this story, and I'm starting to get a sense of the world and the gods.  I like that they are completely physical beings and suffer from hunger, pain, etc, but at the same  time are definitely godlike in manner.  Keep it up!

[akoebel]

Thanks Mandamon.

I have to watch out for those instances of show and tell.

 

I worried that introducing five characters at once (even if I only had 3 of them talking) was a bit much. Did you have trouble with their voices or are they distinct enough?

[Mandamon]

No problem with keeping the characters apart.  Mahau, Arlon, and Neda are all clear in my mind.  I couldn't tell you the elder gods' names off the top of my head, but I don't expect them to be major characters anyway.

 

Forys I don't have as clear a picture of, but then I don't think he's gotten as much screen time.

Edited May 4, 2013 by Mandamon