Majestic Fox he/him Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 Apologies for the late submission. There are a few inconsistencies in this chapter, the most important one being in the House of Lords scene. In answer to the recurring, yes, Willow's story will be closely interwoven with Ambrose's story. I've made a list of changes to the previous 7 chapters that will raise the question of how the two worlds are linked, but I'll leave implementing those until the second draft. This submission is over 5,000 words, so no worries if you don't have time to read it. You've been generous with your feedback, and I know myself it can be difficult to fit writing, reading and feedback in with your everyday lives. Work has been especially hectic for me lately, but anyway, I'm out of excuses, now go write. And read (your submissions). 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 This captured my interest more than the first chapter, and I think more than Willow's chapters. This has a lot of good development for Ambrose and for the story in general. I'm left wondering how the Keepers and Willow's religious group are related. The House of Lords and the meeting with Lyle start to increase the reader's knowledge of geography and local groups without being infodumpy, which is good. Lyle seems familiar. I think I remember Willow mentioning his name, but I might be making that up. I didn't catch the inconsistency at the House of Lords, unless it's something to do with the geography note I made below. Notes: pg 4: I like how Ambrose is certain of the maid's name, even though he's wrong. pg 4: "She raised dutifully raised an eyebrow" --repeated word. pg 5: "stepped around the man" --he already dodged past him the paragraph before. pg 6: "towered up above the less ministries" This seems an odd word choice. Maybe smaller? Less important? pg 6: interesting that Ambrose seems to be for the "common man" when he's disgusted by most of them. He seems more like a lord himself in manner than one of the masses, but his aim is to liberate them? I don't think we've gotten much information on the Kovorus yet, so this makes me interested to find out what it can do and what these gateways are. pg 7: "Munoria" This is one of the first region or country names mentioned. I don't remember if you told us where they are yet, and I can't remember if you gave a region name for where Willow lives. I'm trying to mentally place this alongside the second Willow chapter and wonder if I would be as confused by the geography if I was still getting into the story. Don't know if it's a problem or not. pg 8: "Yathrin hills in Govoria" okay, here's another place name. pg 10: "quetching" not familiar with this. pg 20: "but I fear your to going to take more " --something missing There are a lot of different words to describe Ambrose (and others) walking. This isn't neccessarily bad, but it started to grab my attention as the different terms mounted up. I don't think you ever actually say that someone "walked." swept padded strode briskly dodging past stepped around Wellwright staggered back padded leisurely stepped into Looking forward to more! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Comatose he/him Posted July 8, 2015 Report Share Posted July 8, 2015 Hey, I'm new, so I'm just starting with Chapter 2. I'll try to get your critique up some time this week, but was wondering if I could also get a short summary of the first chapter, just so I know what I missed? Feel free to post it here, or just PM me . 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Majestic Fox he/him Posted July 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2015 Hello Comatose. You have the highest post count of any new forum member I've ever seen. Here's a summary of the first chapter, in lazy bullet point form: Ambrose Macray, one of the story's two protagonists was introduced. He was fretting over the problem of how to reopen the gateways that connect the two worlds. The passages through the mountains which link them have been ceasing up for hundreds of years and no one knows why. It's critical to the economy and industrial development of the country that they reopen them (don't think I've said why yet, but I'll probably establish that in chapter one when the second draft comes around). His most promising idea of penetrating the black rock is the Kovorus - a massive steam powered rock drill which is presently under construction. Ambrose is in financial trouble with a money lending organisation. He has one week to pay them back. The financial trouble deepens when his superior, Thomas Ruthworth, Minister of the Gates, informs him that there is to be a hearing which will determine whether or not the Kovorus will be constructed - they've gone over time and over budget. Thomas is a man Ambrose is fond of. At the end of the chapter, Ambrose receives an unsigned message from someone stating plainly that the Kovorus will not work, and if he serious about 'Knocking on the gods' door' then he should come to the Hammer and Bluebell the following night. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted July 9, 2015 Report Share Posted July 9, 2015 Ambrose Macray, one of the story's two protagonists was introduced. He was fretting over the problem of how to reopen the gateways that connect the two worlds. The passages through the mountains which link them have been ceasing up for hundreds of years and no one knows why. It's critical to the economy and industrial development of the country that they reopen them (don't think I've said why yet, but I'll probably establish that in chapter one when the second draft comes around) Just as another data point, I didn't pick up that the gateway was to another world while reading. I thought it was a gateway to another part of the country. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Majestic Fox he/him Posted July 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Thanks Mandamon. Yes - clarity is something I definitely need to work on in draft two. Thanks a lot for your feedback, by the way. It's most useful. If I can make a request to everyone - don't bother pointing out typos or missed words. I'll catch those later on. What's much more useful is your moment to moment experience / thought process. *Humble bow* Your comment about over use of words to describe walking doesn't fall into this category, Mandamon. I thought that was interesting. I've been taught to avoid the word 'walking' in favour of something more descriptive, but what I think I need to do is get better at inferring character movement more indirectly. Edited July 9, 2015 by Majestic Fox 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted July 10, 2015 Report Share Posted July 10, 2015 Once again, I enjoyed this chapter a good deal. I like the tone and the setting. I think I've snagged part of the reason for this, and make some comments about Jack Vance below. I think you have a precise and rather quirky (in a good way) style, certainly in Ambrose's section that is really effective and enjoyable. I like that the industrialised society and the way you describe it, and also that there is a bias towards engineering solutions (showing my bias as an engineer). Ambrose is an interesting character. He seemed a little pompous int he first chapter, and I'm not sure how much his sense of social responsibility came through in that one, but it certainly does more so here. There are some excellent character touches all round I thought, nice little well observed details that add humour and texture, like Ambrose forgetting the maid's name and Lyle's handshake then his not knowing what the fluid does. As usual, I really look forward to reading the next chapter. I like the pacing, I feel I am always discovering things and that the plot is moving forward all the time. Good job. ------------------------- Straight away I'm engaged by Ambrose wrestling with the financial problem. It makes me think of one of my favourite novels by the incomparable Jack Vance. Wyst Alastor: 1716 involves a young man stranded on a planet trying to raise enough money (I think) for passage off-planet (been a while since I read it). That simple quest under the expert pen of JV became more compelling to me than nations clashing and magicians striving to save the universe. This is a problem that so many people can relate to. Not escapist, admittedly, but relatable. Do we know what automata is/are? I don't recall, but I think the reader should know if he's dealing drugs or football cards, blackmarket robots? Ah, okay, literally automata, okay. The thing that threw me was that is considering selling them at the docks. Seems an odd place for such trade, but okay, I'll go with it. I didn't get that the crow was in the room till you said it flew out of the window. 'fire place' - one word. 'street' - capita 'S', it's a name. I enjoyed his mistake over the name, he sounded so certain, lol. If she's permanent staff though, seems unlikely he's still forgetting her name. Love the fruit and black river image. Dare I suggest it's actually it's quirky enough to put me in mind of Vance again. I wonder if you have encountered him? I think you might enjoy his writing. The Wyst trilogy is not a bad place to start, or the Gaean Reach series, and the Lyonesse books are beautiful, I think. I like that he's still mistaking the maid's name. Also, "knocking on the god's door" indicates one god, but from the sense of it, I thought it was gods plural, in which case it would be " gods' ". *lesser* ministries '*the* common *man in* any way that mattered, He still toiled away' - I guess. rational *minister* - not a name, so no capital, I believe. I would capitalise High Council, it's the name of the council. I really enjoyed the exchange in the council chamber. I felt I got a good sense of character and that each councillor had some. I liked the surprises that came out. These things were not especially foreshadowed, but felt like legitimate reveals of things that the reader didn't know. The king's hat - lol. *Mister* Adams - again, it's a name. 'manners in the street' - great line. Another intriguing and tense exchange, revealing Ambrose's character and the tension he is under. If the mechanisms are made of brass, they would not rust - which is a term particular to ferrous metals (help me out here, Mandamon!). What would brass do? It's an alloy of copper and zinc, perhaps designed specifically not to rust? Given that Ambrose is an engineer, or deals with them, he would know this stuff. The stolen watch is a lovely touch. I still remember when he bumped into the man on his way to the Council Chamber, nicely done. Enjoyed Ambrose's bitterness at the Transport Minister. Dancer's Catch - lol, and nice character touch on the drunk. I put Ambrose's age about 30, so I was interested that he referred to the other man as young. Is Ambrose older then? I LOVE that Ambrose judges the man's handshake. That is such a nice touch, and it's something that I do. I shake a lot of hands in my business and it's surprisingly often a good indication of character. *pin* point 'but I fear *you're* going to take' nonsense - not 'none sense' I like that Lyle doesn't know how the stuff works, or at least that's his opening line. And there is a good dramatic punch to finish with. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted July 10, 2015 Report Share Posted July 10, 2015 If the mechanisms are made of brass, they would not rust - which is a term particular to ferrous metals (help me out here, Mandamon!). What would brass do? It's an alloy of copper and zinc, perhaps designed specifically not to rust? Given that Ambrose is an engineer, or deals with them, he would know this stuff. True. I believe brass, zinc, and aluminum corrode or tarnish, while ferrous materials rust. Except if it's brass plating, then the iron or steel underneath might rust... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Majestic Fox he/him Posted July 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2015 Thank you for the feedback Robinski. Insightful as usual : ) I really appreciate the encouragement. It helps me keep writing. I haven't read any of Mr Vance's works yet. He's on my list - perhaps I should bump him to near the top. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted July 13, 2015 Report Share Posted July 13, 2015 Just as another data point, I didn't pick up that the gateway was to another world while reading. I thought it was a gateway to another part of the country. Yeah, that was my impression too. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted July 13, 2015 Report Share Posted July 13, 2015 He's on my list - perhaps I should bump him to near the top. He's something of an acquired taste, but I think has (had) a unique voice, and you would identify with his singular style. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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