7/6/2015- Comatose - Preparing the Emperor's Tea (Prologue)‏

[Comatose he/him]

All right gang, here is my first submission!  I had hoped to have Chapter 1 AND the Prologue done for today, but that didn't happen.  So, for now, enjoy the start of my new project, which just over 1000 words.  

 

Preparing the Emperor's Tea is intended to be a novella, and I'm shooting for around 25,000 - 40,000 words.  It's a prequel to a larger project I'm working on, but I'm hoping for it to stand on its own.  I'm going for a twist on a coming of age story, focusing on the life of a servant and her relationships to the 'important' noble folk she serves.   The prologue is a flash-forward, in which Naiyu gets the opportunity to serve tea to the Emperor.  Chapter One starts with Naiyu as a child.  I intend to further the future story line in interludes in between parts, and then finish up in the final part of the book.  

 

Things I particularly want help with: Does the prologue grab your attention?  What do you notice about Naiyu as a character?  Does she interest you?  I struggled with managing Naiyu's thoughts, since I wanted to show off bits of her character, but I also wanted to keep the majority of her thoughts hidden, and reveal them later on.  A strategy I tried to use is to really focus on sensory intake, and describe Naiyu experiencing the scene, rather than her thoughts about it.  Do you think I managed it, or do you have suggestions for what I can do better?  

 

Title is subject to change.  Let me know if you have better ideas.  

 

 

[Curious Anamaximder he/him]

Great. Can't wait to read it.

[Robinski he/him]

Missed your email at first, it was in with all those pharmacy emails you Canucks keep sending me ;o)

Anyhow, straightaway, I'm intrigued by the title and I'm drawn in by the idea of a story revolving around something other than world-saving quests and massive wars with the gods (or otherwise). Just as my critiquers Bill and Drew, I'm forever spending 5 pages describing one of my characters' thoughts as she delivers bread, or works at her job in the local washhouse.

I started to read the synopsis (summary) in your email then stopped, because I didn't want to spoil my discovery of the plot.

I really enjoyed this. I was starting wonder where the tension and excitement was going to come from, but even thought you had foreshadowed the emperor's death be explaining the potentially poisonous nature of the cherries, I still didn't see it coming, too busy following the tea 'ceremony' though - good job on that.

Now, I'm totally on the hook to learn what happens next, and yet you say this is in the future and we are going to join Naiyu back before her training? It seems we may have to wait a long while before learning what has happened. Then again, maybe not, either way, I'm intrigued to read your story and look forward to the next submission.

Line comments below, I really don't think there are any plot-spoilers.

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Not sure a paste would pour. I think cherry paste might need to be scraped out of the pestle, unless she's only using the juice, although that's not the sense I got. (Jeez, what is it with fruit juice in the stories on this forum?)

Cherry Valley seems very 'on the nose' as a name for a place where old masters make cherry tea.

Suggest: 'had cooled' instead of 'was cooled properly' I know there are different ways to cool things, but that seems a bit scientific for a story prologue.

I wonder if you need the for with 'mourning'. He might be 'pining for his wife', but to me 'mourning his wife' or 'mourning his wife's death' is more elegant phrasing. Welcome (back?) to Reading Excuses by the way, you'll gather I can be a bit persnickety - sorry, but I'll never change.

Does she hand the emperor the cup? That doesn't seem right. Does he pick it up from the table? In my mind's eye, the phrasing suggests he takes it from her hand, but that carries risks of spillage and even burning, it seems to me. Maybe I picked the sense up wrong.

'Ran out of air' felt a little glib to me, almost a modern expression.

[Mandamon he/him]

--Does the prologue grab your attention?

--Yep.  You've got some good sensory description, which draws the reader in, and start off with mentioning the emperor and then poison in the first two lines.  You specifically mention Naiyu getting rid of the poison, which is very effective in contrast with the end of the prologue.

 

--What do you notice about Naiyu as a character?  Does she interest you?

--I have to say she's not the most interesting character yet, simply because we don't see much of her thoughts.  But by the end, I'm wondering what she's hiding, so that probably works with what you intend.

 

--I struggled with managing Naiyu's thoughts, since I wanted to show off bits of her character, but I also wanted to keep the majority of her thoughts hidden, and reveal them later on.

--I can see this.  Naiyu comes across as a little bland.  However, she's a Japanese (?) servant, and the aren't known for their expressiveness, so it sort of works.  Especially if you go right into childhood, before she's learned to control her thoughts, that would show the difference in time.

 

--A strategy I tried to use is to really focus on sensory intake, and describe Naiyu experiencing the scene, rather than her thoughts about it.  Do you think I managed it, or do you have suggestions for what I can do better?

--Worked for me.  More sensory description is always good in a book.  There was a big dissonance in the end as the emperor is dying between what the sons show and what Naiyu shows.  That part felt a little off, just because she wasn't reacting at all, but that also made me question what her motives were.  If she was the one who poisoned him, that makes sense.  if it wasn't her, then she should be freaking out a lot more.

 

Looking forward to more, and learning how this comes about.  As Robinski says, we now have to wait a long time to find out what happens right before this scene.  In a full length novel, I'd be skeptical of going back to her childhood, but for a novella, I think it can work.

[Comatose he/him]

Thanks guys!

 

My spouse read an earlier version of the prologue, and saw the ending coming from the beginning, so I'm glad that the edits I've made since then have worked (or maybe he just knows me too well).  

 

I should clarify that this book is set in an alternate world, and that although the Leyari are based on several different Asian cultures, they are my own creation.  The Empire in the story is very cosmopolitan, and race politics play a key role as the story progresses.  

 

I don't mind being nit-picked!  In fact, I quite prefer it, so please continue!  These comments have been very helpful.  

 

She is handing the emperor his cup, but what you say about the tea being hot makes sense, so maybe I'll have her set it down on the table instead.  

 

It will be a while until you figure out everything that is going on in that opening scene, but I hope I can provide you guys with some interesting stuff to read in the mean time, so that it doesn't feel like you are just waiting for that one scene.  

 

I worried about the Emperor's death scene as well.  It felt rushed to me as I wrote it.  On the other hand, it is supposed to happen very quickly.  Again, I wanted to keep what was going on in Naiyu's head kind of ambiguous, so I can flesh things out later.  

 

You'll learn more about Cherry Valley in coming chapters.  Basically their whole economy is based on different cherry products, and the name originated with foreigners.  I don't want to explain too much here, since I want to make sure I explain it enough in the story, but if you'd like more information behind the name, I'd be happy to oblige.  The gist is that the original name of the valley became the name of an entire country, and so the valley was named "Cherry Valley" by outsiders to help differentiate, and over time it has become used by the actual residents as well.  

 

As a side note, the Cherry Valley and the Leyari are lifted out of the culture profile I created for the Eternal Conflux RP way back when.  There are some big differences between what I wrote then and what I'm writing now, and obviously I've adapted the culture to fit into my own world instead of the world the RP was set in, but most of the core concepts are there.  There are also bits and pieces of my character from Eternal Conflux in Naiyu, but on the whole she is very different.  If you would like to know more about the previous version of Cherry Valley, feel free to check these out, but be warned that they are set in a very different world this time around.  I think the history in the character application (the second link) gives the best picture of life in the valley.  If you are worried about spoilers, the Cherry Valley is the setting of the next set of chapters, so you will be getting updated information about it soon.   

 

Then again, I know you guys have a lot to read/write, so I don't expect you to read all that background stuff.  It's just there in case you are interested.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read this, and let me know if you have any other comments or questions!

[Robinski he/him]

I thought the emperor's death scene was fine. Some poisons are pretty immediately lethal by all accounts. I don't know how much the whole cyanide tablet thing from the Cold War is hyped up, but I'm prepared to believe it. I was in an aqarium the other day and they had one of those yellow puffer fishes that the Japanese eat, which has to be prepare correctly or you die, it wasn't specific about timescale, but it's pretty interesting stuff. First recorded case in Captain Cook's crew aparently - all the pigs died because they ate the fish offal.

I didn't answer all your specific questions, but agree somewhat with Mandamon in relation to Naiyu's character, but was happy enough not to learn much about it, as she was going through a very familiar task.

The Cherry Valley thing I'm happy to accept on explanation.

Looking forward to the next bit.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I think the first sentence could be a stronger hook. The idea of serving tea to the Emperor is interesting, but it pales in comparison to putting potentially poisonous cherry into tea. It might be better to try to work this into the hook.

 

- I actually live near a Cherry Valley . . . but I'm guessing this one isn't in Illinois.

 

- I'm a little confused by the last page. First of all, Naiyu said it's not every day one serves tea to the Emperor, but both the Emperor and his sons know her by name and even go so far as to complement her. Would such high-ranking individuals acknowledge the tea server in this situation? The other problem is this seems to imply she does this regularly enough, but the opening says it's not every day one serves tea to the Emperor.

 

- It's an interesting enough opening. I think there is enough of Naiyu's actions and thoughts to kick off the novella. I think if you wanted to show more of her character, you could give her someone to talk to display her personality and quirks.

[Comatose he/him]

Thanks Rob and rd!

 

Prologue Spoiler:

I was hoping to downplay the poisonous cherry pits thing, since I wanted the death at the end to be unexpected, at least for some people.  I wasn't entirely happy with my current hook, and would take suggestions (and will continue to work on it myself), but I don't think the poisonous cherry pits will work as a replacement.

 

No, not in Illinois .

 

Naiyu has met the emperor several times in passing, usually while she is standing in the background serving other people, but she has never served him tea before.  At this point in the story, Naiyu has been a sort of steward for some VERY high ranking individuals, and has served at least one of the princes before, even though she has never served the Emperor directly.  I should also note that the duties of her position include a lot more than making tea.  I'll go into how she got to this point during the story, but for now I'll say that her current act of service was by referral. So, the emperor knows who she is, more or less, but they haven't really interacted at all.  It would be like a celebrity calling on a stylist they heard about from a mutual friend.  The celebrity and the stylist would both know each other by name, despite not actually having met.  

 

As for the Emperor acknowledging her despite her station, I meant it to show some of his character - on one hand, in this chapter he is talking about the death of his grandson, but on the other, he is kind to servants and makes a point to know their names if possible.  It might not be a common thing for a person of his position to do this, but I don't think it is too much of a break in propriety.  I'll do some more thinking about class relations in the world, just to be sure though.  

 

She'll have people to interact with in Chapter One, don't worry .   

[rdpulfer he/him]

This all makes sense. I'd just advise making sure this is all clear to the reader on Page 1 (and it is possibly it is and I just missed something)  I do appreciate how ambiguous the Emperor is - plotting his grandson's death while thanking a woman for tea. It's a good start, but with a novel like this, I think class relations are a very central theme. 

[Majestic Fox he/him]

I like the first line.

Cherries aren’t poisonous!

I like the simplicity of describing tea. It’s relaxing, but the poison adds some drama. Nice counter point. Feels fresh.

Naiya must be pretty damnation important and trusted to do this task for the emperor

Some slight confusion over how many pits it takes to kill a person. Made me reread it, and took away from the relaxing flow. I hope this story is like drinking a cup of refreshing green tea after soaking in a mountain hot spring. Haha – I think I’m just sleepy. And thirsty. *Drinks water* That’s better. I can give proper feedback now.

Some lines felt a little jarring – I noticed their function was to drop little pebbles of exposition into the pure water of your story.

I think it would be more effective if you rooted pretty much the whole first page in description of her task (my favourite bits) and kept the exposition to an absolute minimum.

Loving the description, but having trouble picturing where she is. You’ve not mentioned it yet, so I’ve got her in the porch of a white temple nestled somewhere high up in a lush green forest.

 

The rich aroma that filled the room reminded Naiyu of home.

This line feels like it ends too abruptly. I’m left wondering what’s home like for her? I only need a sentence or two, then I’m with her again, sharing her experience. But without it, there’s a little rift between us.

 

The juice from the cherries could be made into an effective dye, and up to half an hour of determined scrubbing was sometimes needed to remove stains. 

This telling dilutes the power and flow of the story for me. It feels unnecessary and a little unmotivated. Why do I need to know this? Why is she thinking this thought?  

 

Man, I'm encountering quite a lot of cherry based stories at the moment. I’ll warn you though, if they’re going to feature prominently then you’re to need to work pretty hard to top Mandamon’s Festival of the Cherry.   : )

 

For me, the name Cherry Valley doesn’t feel very imaginative or otherworldly. Also, it’s a little awkward to say. Little things like this can turn me off from a story as opposed to endearing me toward it.

 

The descriptive language is pretty good, but it feels like more research into setting would lift the quality even higher, gifting you with more language specific to your world. You have a chance to subtly and elegantly draw the reader into a unique and vivid world here, simply by the description of someone making tea. That’s not something I see very often, and it’s a treat when it does.

Here’s an example of what I was just talking about: 

The brightly coloured birds that adorned both pot and cups reminded Naiyu of Inah..

What colours? What birds? The more specific the better.

 

Naiyu checked her reflection in the mirror.

Ah, the trusty mirror. I’m guessing someone else has flagged this up so I won't anything other than it's good to treat physical description of your main character as an exercise in imagination - if you can do it in a fresh way you'll stand out as a writer.

 

A shame about those eyes, child.  You could have been great, if it weren’t for those eyes.    Gorgo claimed pale eyes meant ill fortune for the Leyari.  If only she could see me now. 

Sounds like two different voices here. And I thought Gorgo was a man. Sounds like a man’s name to me.

 

Felt slightly confused figuring out the family relationships, but then I’m an epic retard when it comes to this.

This line is good though:  “But father, he’s my… he’s your…”   No exposition! Awesome, let the reader figure it out for themselves. (If he can).

 

This part, where the folk start talking, feels a little convoluted. Where’s my refreshing mountain tea of a story!? *Sips water*  ..sorry.

 

I guessed that she might try and kill him when I read this:

The boy must die.”  The Emperor’s voice sounded strained and tired, but resolute.  Naiyu carefully folded back the sleeve of her robe and poured a cup of tea for the man who was plotting to kill his grandson.

Simple case of connected the limited amount of dots your prologue contains.

 

From her reaction, I wasn't totally certain she intended to kill him. I’d make that clearer.

 

It’s good, I like it.

My advice is to purge it of exposition, make the language more vivid, setting specific, and distinct to Naiyu’s point of view. The last point, if done effectively, will make the character stand out – right now she’s interesting, but a little indistinct to me.