Reading Excuses 7/6/15 rdpulfer Scholomancer Prologue (L)

[rdpulfer he/him]

I'm sorry I haven't been critiquing as much these days. I'm adjusting to a new schedule while also trying to find time to write. Anyway, this is my new project Scholomancer. As I said in the e-mail, it's very rough - I'm still writing the first draft. I appreciate any and all feedback.

[Mandamon he/him]

first paragraph:  The combination of "Renfield" and "his Master" are cluing me in to something here...

 

pg 1: "It made things considering easy for Renfield"

--considerably more easy?

 

pg 1: "Military drones were all the rage these days, Renfield said"

-- said to who? If you mean as a generic comment, it's sort of strange directed at the reader when this isn't in first person.

 

pg 2: "Renfield wiped the threat from his pale brow"

--'sweat,' I assume.

 

pg 4: "He regarded him with his eye eyes."

--I am reminded of the Aye-aye, which makes this phrase hilarious.

 

pg 4: "Screw this, Renfield thought"

--The thought should be in italics

 

pg 6: "It looked like at first, "

--missing word

 

pg 7: "This couldn’t be good for him, but it beat the alternative. "

--no, more like instant bends, and Renfeild convulses in agonizing pain.

 

 

This is an interesting concept, Refield betraying Dracula.  The first few pages had a bit too much infodump, but it got better once the conversation started.  I felt a lot more tension with Dracula threatening Renfield than with him walking around on his own on a submarine.

 

I did have some trouble with Renfield's escape.  At any depth near the Marianas Trench, he would have been 1) crushed instantly and 2) had horrible nitrogen narcosis (the bends) when he got to the surface.

 

However, this did capture my attention, so I'm interested to see what the first chapter would be, and whether Renfield is the main character, or someone else is.

Edited July 6, 2015 by Mandamon

[Comatose he/him]

Is it bad that when I read Marianas Trench I thought of the band, not the land form?  Or does that just out me as Canadian?  
 
Anyways, here's my thoughts as I read, kind of a stream of consciousness type of thing.  Let me know if anything doesn't make sense.   Some of the changes are merely suggestions, which I think might help with flow and to vary your sentence structure, rather than actual right/wrong corrections.   I'll post more general thoughts and impressions at the end.  

 

Line by Line Read-Through

 
Page 1:

"The good news: he had successfully commandeered a prototype drone submarine from DARPA, which he would soon sabotage to complete his mission, and he wasn’t dead yet. The bad news: there are far worse things than death, especially in his Master’s service."
to
"The good news: he had survived commandeering a prototype drone submarine from DARPA, which he would soon sabotage to complete his mission. The bad news: there were far worse things than death, especially in his Master's service.

I found the added thoughts ("and he wasn't dead yet," and "especially in his Master's service" to be a tad awkward, especially when used together. Since these two sentences compliment each other, it might flow better if both were simplified and a bit more cohesive. I focused on the first sentence, since it had more parts to move around. I also changed "are" in the second sentence to the past tense to match the rest of your prose.
 

"He used the shadows to cloak his activities, whether it was moving his Master’s coffin or hiding his victims until they were done Turning. But Renfield took no comfort from the darkness especially he was nearly a mile beneath the ocean. Instead, all he felt was the pressure."
to
"Whether moving his Master's coffin, or hiding his victims until they were done Turning, shadows helped to cloak Renfield's activities. But the darkness provided no comfort nearly a mile under the ocean. All Renfield felt was the [insert adjective?] pressure."

Just trying to rearrange things again to help with flow. This way, I think the darkness concept pulls the reader through a little more. I also thought an adjective describing the pressure might help to get the reader into Renfield's head, and show off a bit of his character.
 
There are a few more areas on this page where you could play with sentence structure a bit.  I won't go into all them, but I would suggest taking a look at the examples I posted, and then playing around a little to give the prose some variety.  I'd watch out for times when you are using a comma to signal an after-thought.  If you are trying to establish a character quirk for Renfield, that's fine, but I still think the device may be a tad over-used.
 
Page 2:
 

"Military drones were all the rage these days, Renfield said.  Renfield He saw as much during his tours in Afghanistan"

I don't think the last bit is necessary. You've done a good job of getting the reader into Renfield's head I think, and I at least was already assuming sentences like this were Renfield's opinion.
 

"It was designed to bridge the gap between DARPA’s other experimental undersea models, such as the Hydra platform and the Upwards Falling Payloads. Unlike either of these models, the Kraken could be remotely piloted in deep sea conditions. "
to
"It was designed to bridge the gap between DARPA’s other experimental undersea models.  Unlike the Hydra Platform and the Upwards Falling Payloads, the Kraken could be remotely piloted in deep sea conditions."

Just tightening things up a little.  Should Hydra Platform and Upwards Falling Payloads be italicized like Kraken? 
 

It would be a shame to see the Kraken fail, especially after billions of dollars of taxpayer money had been spent on it.

 
 
Page 3:
 

Renfield twisted around to see a skulking shadow in the shape of a man. But like so many other things, appearances can could be deceiving.

Again, you seem to mostly be using the past tense, so it's better not to mix.
 
In the section where you have the discussion between Renfield and the Master, you use a lot of 'said-bookisms' near the beginning.  Things get better as the conversation continues, but I would suggest taking almost all of them out.  Since this is a conversation between two people, you really don't need them to designate who is speaking, especially since the Master's words are in capital letters.  For example:

“Master, you are awake!” Renfield stated. The Master’s face was gaunt and drawn, with his skin tightly encasing his skull. Renfield recognized the symptoms immediately. He was hungry.
“Is there something wrong?” Renfield asked innocently Renfield tried his best to appear innocent.

 
The said-bookisms are more noticeable because you only use them for Renfield.  If you take them out for both, adding in thoughts and description in between, the conversation comes to life a bit more, and reads as less repetitive.  
 
Page 4:
 

It He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

 
 

He could understand while why his Master was questioning the sudden change in plan.

 

 

Renfield could see his Master’s fangs peeking out from this his mouth.

 
Page 5:
 
 

Renfield felt the Master’s grip on his shoulder relaxed.

 

"With one arm, the Master tosses Renfield into the air. For an instant, Renfield feared he would bounce off the ceiling. His fears were dashed, albeit temporarily, when he missed the ceiling, and instead crashed to the floor."
 
to
 
"The Master tossed Renfield into the air using only one arm.  Renfield's fears that he might bounce off this ceiling proved unfounded, when he missed the ceiling and crashed to the floor instead."

 
Again, this one's just a suggestion.  I'm not sure about how I've reworked the second sentence, so feel free playing around with it more.  
 
Page 6:

Brilliant white streaks spilled out of the orbs, striking every source of metal in striking distance range.

 
Using 'striking' and 'striking distance' in the same sentence is a little repetitive.  Changing either helps with word variety.  
 

Within an instant, The submarine was plunged into darkness for an instant before the red emergency lights flickered on. It only took one instant for the  That instant was all it took for the Master to clear the distance between himself and Renfield.

 
Balancing description and movement is difficult, and I always have trouble with action scenes for this exact reason.  I think these edits help with flow, and make the described events seem to happen more quickly, which seems to be what you are going for.  
 
In the next bit, you talk about the Master 'approaching'.  Since you already have him clearing the distance, it is confusing for him to still be moving towards Renfield later on.  
 
Page 7:
 
I believe "welp" is spelled "whelp".  
 

I’M GOING TO DRAIN BLOOD FROM EVERY PORE IN YOUR BODY. , AND WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT AND YOU TURN, I WILL BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY UNTIL YOU ARE INCLINED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.

 
The repeated use of "IN YOUR BODY" is a little jarring.  I would suggest changing one of them.  Personally, I would leave "EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY" as is, and take out the first one (see strike-through).  It's still a little awkward, but if you play around with it a bit I'm sure you can think of something.  
 
Otherwise, good use of dialogue here.  I'm really getting the 'indignant Dracula' feeling.  It's a little stereotypical, but then, Dracula is pretty much a walking stereotype (or the source of the stereotypes), so I think it works in this case.  
 
Page 8:

Renfield felt The entire vessel started to shake. A hollow bumping sound reverberated through the entire ship. Something was literally knocking on the hull, and it was time to let it in.

By then he had found the detonator, while which he pressed down the moment he pulled it out of his jacket.

Page 9:

In an instant, A scaly arm reached through and grabbed Renfield.

 
I think a shorter sentence conveys the pace of the scene better, without the use of "In an instant".

 

At the end of the paragraph where the fish man grabs him, I think you can remove "altogether" and just let the sentence end with "hoisted him through the gap."

 

 

 

Renfield had disabled the GPS, and any remaining systems operating on the Kraken, would to ensure the submarine reached its final destination: the very bottom of the ocean.

 

Renfield watched the Fish Man purposely soared soar purposefully through the water like a bird.  The water became lighter and lighter the further up they traveled, but Renfield wasn’t completely sure he wasn’t becoming light-headed himself. 

 

Overall Thoughts:

 

I like what you've set up here, and am very interested to see where the story goes, so the prologue has served at least one purpose.  I think you do a good job of showing Renfield's emotions throughout the scene, and establishing a bit about his character.  I found his betrayal of Dracula interesting, and am excited to see the ramifications of the betrayal.  In sum, I think the concept you used for the prologue is really good, but that your execution needs a little bit of tweaking.  

 

In particular, the action sequence where Renfield betrays Dracula and escapes the submarine all need some work.  You establish that Dracula can move quickly, and have him do so.  Then later, it takes him forever to get to Renfield.  There are two possible problems here: either (1) Dracula is moving fast, but it just doesn't seem that way from the way the scene is written, or (2) Dracula is moving slowly for mere plot reasons.  If it's the first problem, then the scene just needs to be rewritten with particular attention being payed to pacing.  I would take some time to really map out the sequence of events, moment by moment, and then try to describe the important bits as efficiently as possible.  If it's the second issue, if it is necessary for the plot for Dracula not to kill Renfield, then you need to find a reason for Dracula not to just kill Renfield then and there before he can do anything about it.  My advice would be to include a crucifix or some other way for Renfield to stall Dracula, and get enough time to detonate the bomb and escape.  Otherwise, your run into the old villain trope of Dracula talking when he should be acting, and your hero seems more absurdly lucky than skillful or heroic.  

 

A lot of the issues I pointed out in the line edit with said-bookisms, varying sentence construction, and pacing are things I also have difficulty with, so if you have time to look at my submission, and see similar problems, please let me know!  Sometimes a pair of fresh eyes can do way more for these writing quirks than hours of editing.  

 

Anyways, I hope that helps.  I'm excited to see the next chapter.  Let me know if you have any questions about my critique or line-edit!  

[Robinski he/him]

Interesting concept and I thought a decent prologue, as it poses lots of questions. I had some style issues, noted in detail below, but I thought parts were a bit overwritten, diluting the urgency and action in places where the words could be paired down quite easily. Example, it feels like Renfield is really fumbling with the detonator. He doesn't need to take it out of his pocket, and it doesn't matter how deep his pocket is. Grab it and push the button.

I thought the 'patchwork bitch' line was great. That's the biggest question I have. I thought it was the (fish) man outside the hull, but that turned out to be a man, so now I'm keen to learn who this women is, and why she is a patchwork - a Frankenstein deal perhaps?

Sorry about the hardline comments in places, I realise I'm being harsh on it as it's pre-first draft.

Good stuff. Would happily read more.

------------------------

I like the 'pressure' line, and I've enjoyed the first two paragraphs. They give me good basic information, pose a series of questions and make me interested enough to want to find out the answers.

'Appearances can be deceiving' must be a cliche by now, I would think.

I don't think prowess is the right word. To me, that's a personal skill, something that a person does actively. But not needing a big crew is something that has been realised by the submarine's designers. I would say that the prowess of the designers led to the submarine's 'greatest advantage', or something like that.

It seems early in the story to be dropping a lot of technical details about the submarine. I really don't care. I've just encountered this character in an interesting situation (don't know if he is interesting yet), and I want to know more about him. I'm guessing the submarine is not going to play any lasting part in the story, so a paragraph or two about it would be plenty for me.

'It *had* cost a fortune in favours to get *them* onboard...' There seemed to be an awful lot of hims, and why do so few people use 'had' anymore? I know I probably overuse it, but it serves a purpose. I think tense matters.

I thought the shivering was over-explained.

Repetition of 'appearances... etc.' and the use doesn't seem right. What is it trying to say, other things can be deceptive?

You don't need to explain why he took the trip on the submarine, it was obvious from his thought before.

How can his master advance on him when he had his hands on his shoulders a moment ago? Also, this stuff about testing the submarine seems out of kilter with the mood of the story. I don't understand yet, but if his job is to transport the master around, why knowingly proceed when he found out there would be no people? I find myself confused in this section.

The Master can't 'seem to' back away - he does or he doesn't surely.

The comment about being untouchable by the hunters begins to explain the submarine, I see how it fits with his Master's need now - glad I didn't have to wait long for that.

'Renfield struggled to *breathe*' - Sorry for me going at the typos and grammar, etc., obvs as less than first draft you'll get all these things - I just can't help myself. (The first rule of Grammar Club is always talk about Grammar Club, all the time.)

Fears being dashed sounds like a good thing! I think usually hopes would be dashed and fears averted, maybe.

I would say you sometimes have tendency to over-explain things that is unnecessary. Let the reader make these connections. Couple of examples around here: The Master's eyes widened.' I don't think you need 'with recognition' because the next line is "Where did you get that?" so it's clear the Master recognises the artefact.

I thought glimmering and shimmering were a bit much used together, and you repeat 'striking' close together.

'ROTTING *IN* A MADHOUSE'

The 'BRUTUS' line sounds a bit like Yoda, odd form. 'You are no Brutus.' would be clearer, I think.

Repetition of the word 'entire'. Also, you don't need 'literally'. If it's knocking, it's knocking. I think the line has more impact if it's shorter, more direct.

Also, I got no sense in the prior exchanges that Renfield had any secrets from the Master, so the threat of extracting knowledge is a bit puzzling.

'It looked like...' (word missing?) and that appearances deceiving thing is really annoying me. I personally think it's a hackneyed phrase. Everyone knows appearances can be deceiving, but Renfield trots it out every 5 minutes like he's discovered the phrase.

There are some snappy lines at the end of their exchange, but I felt they were a bit lost and the action rather diluted by dialogue tags and words that you could cut to punch up this bit. Renfield almost seems to fumble about with the detonator. To me, he doesn't need to take it out of the pocket and it doesn't matter if the pocket is deep.

The 'patchwork bitch' is a great line. I thought it was the person outside, but that's a man, I guess. Also, must say that scaly guy with goggles instantly brought Hellboy's chum Abe Sapien to mind.

Science question/issue: The water pressure at the bottom of the Marianas trench is going to kill Renfield in no seconds flat (literally). Also, I suspect that the submarine might 'implode' from the pressure when the hull loses structural integrity. Mandamon might be able to advise better on that (you're a Mech Eng, right M?). I say this on the assumption they are very deep, implied by Renfield seeing only darkness.

Science question/issue?: I'm wondering if the bends are an issue. I guess if Renfield is not breathing compressed air, then maybe not, don't know how the rebreather works. Also, I don't quite follow the bit about not applying to a Fish Man. I didn't think the point was clear.

Ah, now, is Renfield dead? Is that how he can survive the pressure? I'm not sure how that would overcome the laws of physics.

[Robinski he/him]

Is it bad that when I read Marianas Trench I thought of the band, not the land form?  Or does that just out me as Canadian?

The Canuck thing. You guys have (almost) all the best bands, Rush and Tragically Hip remain in my top 10 all time.

[Robinski he/him]

** Glad Mandamon picked the pressure thing and I'm not going crazy - I'm just a Civil Engineer and they don't make concrete submarines, yet.

[Mandamon he/him]

** Glad Mandamon picked the pressure thing and I'm not going crazy - I'm just a Civil Engineer and they don't make concrete submarines, yet.

--They would sink really good, though...

 

 

'It *had* cost a fortune in favours to get *them* onboard...' There seemed to be an awful lot of hims, and why do so few people use 'had' anymore? I know I probably overuse it, but it serves a purpose. I think tense matters.

Aha!  I am vindicated!

My aversion to "had" stems from Strunk and White's Elements of Style, where they harp on removing unnecessary words, one of which is "had."  Another is "that."

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks for all the comments so far. I knew I had a lot of work to do on this opening. Without giving too much away, Renfield is very, very, very, very, very important to the story, and we'll be seeing a lot of him - and the consequences of the action - as the story continues.

 

I think I went a little too much into Tom Clancy territory with the submarine. I actually did all kinds of research on DARPA websites about submarine drones, and I think I went a little overboard (no pun intended).

 

In terms of Renfield's survival of the depth, I've read about people free diving down to extreme depths, but I know I think they had a lot more time and preparation to achieve that. So I guess need to find out how Renfield could survive rapid ascension like that - or maybe just simplify the whole thing and have the submarine above the Marinas Trench (no Comotose, not the band) instead of so far below. 

 

Thanks for so much feedback on this so far. I am really thankful for the edits from Robinksi, Comotose and Mandamon. And with regards to the "patchwork bitch", I think Robinski is on to something . . . 

 

Hopefully I'll get to post the first chapter next week. 

[Robinski he/him]

My aversion to "had" stems from Strunk and White's Elements of Style, where they harp on removing unnecessary words, one of which is "had."  Another is "that."

But they're not unnecessary if they indicate to the reader that something happened in the past as opposed to just happened that moment! Who are these guys anyway, Stunk and Shite*? Never heard of them.

(*Robinski's legal advisors require the following boiler plate to be appended to this comment. This comment is made in jest and is not intended to represent the real opinions of Robinski or any of the writing room that prepare his material (It's a small room, more of cupboard, actually).)

[Robinski he/him]

In terms of Renfield's survival of the depth, I've read about people free diving down to extreme depths, but I know I think they had a lot more time and preparation to achieve that.

Yeah, but the Marianas Trench is miles deep, I think? Seems to me the sub could be anywhere in between the surface and the bottom, suitable to your purpose.

[rdpulfer he/him]

Yeah, but the Marianas Trench is miles deep, I think? Seems to me the sub could be anywhere in between the surface and the bottom, suitable to your purpose.

 

That's actually what I'm thinking. I might change the submarine depth to be such that Renfield and the Fish Man can get out without, well, instant death for a normal human and then reveal that the submarine is plummeting down into the Marinas Trench in the end of the chapter. 

[Kammererite]

Alright, I know I am late but here are my thoughts.

First tings first. I like it.

 

I notice a few inconsistency but those have been covered by others. The one thing I did not see mentions was how can the sub have guidance systems when you destroyed most systems with the orb.

 

Also, I found that I was jarred out of the story a few times when you described additional features of the Sub later into the story. From your initial description I had created an image of a barren metal tube with maybe a few lights, basically its was notable for being featureless. So when the wiring exploded in sparks I was like what wiring. The next thing for me was the windows and door. Now I am not an expert on subs, but every movie I have seen, a sub rarely has a window, there structural weak points (only scientific subs do) and they never have doors. They have hatches. Since I do not associate these features with a submarine I felt thrown right out of the story when they appeared in it.

 

But other then that I am definitely interested to see what happens next.