22 april 13 - yankorro - The Slim Black Rectangle Ch 7 (rewrite)

[yankorro]

oops, forgot to post the topic.

 

i'm working on some critiques for the rest of you, i promise...

[cetriya she/her]

since I'm new, any way I can get the previous chapter (s) ?

[yankorro]

If you want, just reply to the email I sent out tuesday and I'll hit you back with ch's 1-6.

 

[Mandamon he/him]

This version is much better than last time.  The start-up for the argument with Celia is a lot better paced, and gives a good reason for Dimas to leave.  The construction of the chapter is more fluid, and gets to the points you want to make.

 

Hwan has a much more grounded personality.  I can see that he's hinting at something at first, and then I can understand his reasons for joining the authority.  it's much more reasonable for him to find Dimas at his old home than randomly in the market (although I guess Hwan has probably got some surveilance on Dimas either way).

 

You removed some the political background, and I only realized it when I went back to look at the old version.  That tells me it wasn't needed, so good job on that cut.

 

Last, you bring up the rectangle at the end of the chapter, which ties us back into the story and gets us ready for what comes next.

 

Better all around!  I'm looking forward to the next part.

[AdolinsGirloftheWeek she/her]

I liked this. You are setting up some interesting mysteries and that's always fun. I was confused here and there, but that's probably because I haven't read the earlier chapters.

 

You have two moments in this chapter with very short-sentence dialogue exchanges with little in-scene details to frame them. I have a weakness for those moments, but two in one chapter seems like a lot, even with several terse characters.

 

Dimas is an interesting character with what seems to be a loaded background, but I would love to get inside his head a bit more. What does he think about everything going on? My favorite part was his little internal monologue after his chat with Celia - I would love more stuff like that.