Robinski - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 13 - 4492 words (-)

[Robinski he/him]

Here is Chapter 11 of 14 of The Mathematical Bridge. In the previous chapter, we saw the first perspective of Tarquin’s arrival in Cambridge, before he went to visit Sabine in her rooms at Queens’ College. Blacklake, sitting in Fitzbillie’s Tea Room while Judith was working, recalled a walk with her by the river in which he revealed something of his true nature to her and she was accepting of it, if not able really to comprehend that nature.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Cheers, Robinski

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I'd really like to see more of Blacklake's conversation with Jack, especially since we haven't seen as much of that character as Judith and the other supporting characters.

 

- I do like that he decides not to read Jack's mind in order to gain his trust. The fact that he's holding back his abilities is a really cool character moment.

 

- I'm not sure I like that Tarquin's exclusive conversation with Blacklake takes center stage so fast. Personally, I would have liked to have seen more of a mixture of dialogue between Jack, Judith, Blacklake and Tarquin with telepathy only used sparingly. I do like Tarquin's insights on Sabine though. I would definitely keep that. 

 

- Overall, this was a good start, but I would have liked to have seen more interaction between the characters. 

[Mandamon he/him]

pg 1: "speak to him about the honesty of his feelings and intentions towards his sister"

--this seems excessive.  I think we can gather what he wanted to talk about.

 

For some reason Blacklake making nice is reminding me of Gru from Despicable Me.  It just doesn't seem like his nature.

And now I've got Gru stuck as my mental picture for Blacklake...

 

There's also lots of telling what happened in the conversation, rather than giving us the dialogue.  I realize we don't want to hear a lot of small talk, but maybe a few snatches of conversation, especially about the portrait.  The whole section comes off as very passive, which in a way, works with Tarquin coming in later, but at the same time, leeches the possibility of tension out of it.

 

pg 3: "but he held off pouring until the idea had registered with his guests"

--huh?

 

pg 4: "Tarquin’s current features"

--do they change?  I wasn't aware of that.

 

pg 7/8: I like the juxtaposition of the thought conversation and the spoken one.

 

pg 9: "the question that he did not want to answer"

--which was?

 

Why is it such a concern that Sabine and Blacklake be together?  If he outlives Judth, then Sabine would have a chance again.  It seems like Tarquin had some plan for them, but I don't know what it is.

 

pg 15: "pausing for only a second before she dropped and transformed, an ugly process that he did not need to see again."

--I assume into some sort of bird?

 

I thought this section was good, and it's starting to bring the different parts of the story together.  As rdpulfer said, it's lacking on the conversation between characters, especially in the first half.  

As usual, there were lots of run-on sentences, but I've perhaps harped on that enough already...

 

Interested to see how this plays out in the last three entries.

[Robinski he/him]

Overall, this was a good start, but I would have liked to have seen more interaction between the characters. 

 

Fair comment. I think that would also be an opportunity to up the threat level, as I don't think Tarquin is quite menacing enough. I'm perfectly happy to rework this chapter. I agree it needs something more, and/or more of certain things! More interaction, certainly.

 

Many thanks for reading and commenting

Edited June 30, 2015 by Robinski

[Robinski he/him]

Mental image - oh no! that could be a problem

 

Telling and passivity earlier in meeting - yes, I can see that. More dialogue required.

 

Pouring thing - I'll drop it, irrelevant.

 

Tarquin's features - explain or drop. It's a long story. They have changed over time, but not like a shape-shifter.

 

The Question - good question! Explain or drop.

 

Tarquin desire for Rutland and Sabine to be together - it's like a loyalty, we are the same kind, thing. But needs more explicit clarification, agree.

 

Sabine's transformation - Yes, into a bird. You may not recall that in The Tontine Inn, she transformed into an Owl.

 

 

Thank you for the comments - very helpful!