20150622 - Fruits of the Gods Ch20 (4992) - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Chapter 20:
Previously,
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.  Each sister travels a different path to enter the city.  Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace.  Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s.  Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause.  Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor.

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer]

- In the opening line, it should be, "They did not see THAT the four nations became fat and corrupt again . . . "

 

- I really like Kisare's reaction to the Cherry Festival. I think at this point we're really engaged with Kisare's character and purpose, so we want to see more of the Cherry Festival in order to see her succeed.

 

- The Dyads are awesome. Their twisted morality makes the scene all the more tense when the crap finally hits the fan, as you never know quite what they are going to do next.

 

- Overall, I thought this was a good chapter. I liked that so far, it all seems to come down to a presentation of gifts, and given the unpredictability of the Dyads, I'm not sure who is going to come out on top. 

[Mandamon]

Thanks!  Great comments, as usual.

[Mr. Wednesday]

Pg. 1 "Gemeti seemed to have no problem with it" struck me as kind of a modern and casual phrase. It pulled me out of the story. You might consider saying something more along the lines of "Gemeti seemed not to mind". It's subtle, but it jumped out at me.

 

Pg. 2 The passage in which Gemeti mentions the black hairs and the fruit tastings is a bit awkward. I like the innuendo, but for some reason the phrasing comes off as slightly clumsy, particularly the line "bring out the passionate this time of year". I like the idea though, it adds a very hedonistic flavor to the cherry festival.

 

Pg. 2 When describing the food sculptures on the table, it seems backwards that the vegetables should be in the shape of animals and the meat in the shape of gardens. Was that intentional? It just seems like a strange choice.

 

Pg. 4 The phrase "Amilanu moved the nobles aside with his bulk or a few words." seems unnecessary since you already mentioned how he was parting the crowd with his size and his domineering presence.

 

Pg.5 I really like the difference in viewpoint and tone after the break. It is very clear that Belili has a different experience of the city, and that carries over to how she views the festival. It's a simple but very effective use of having two characters seeing the same environment and noticing different things about it.

 

Great amping up of tension when Belili is brought before the Dyad. Overall I really like the tone of this chapter. I don't know quite how to describe it, but it seems very pagan and overindulgent. I like that it feels as if their merriment could turn into violence at any moment.

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the comments!

 

Pg. 2 When describing the food sculptures on the table, it seems backwards that the vegetables should be in the shape of animals and the meat in the shape of gardens. Was that intentional? It just seems like a strange choice.

Yes, this was intentional.  A bit of whimsy for the party.

 

Glad you liked atmosphere at the party.  I was definitely going for hedonistic/decadent, so I'm glad that came across.

[Robinski]

I would have thought it was easier in practical terms to make animal shapes out of vegetables and flatter, garden shapes out of slices of meat.