April 15th -Trizee- The Winter Wars chapter 7

[Trizee]

Here's chapter 7! Tell me what you think.

[Mandamon he/him]

Hmmm...I had to look all the way back to the prologue to figure out who Bern is.  Even for a reader reading all at once, you probably need a reminder for a bit character out of the prologue, when he doesn't show up again until chapter 7.  I also couldn't figure out why he wanted to steal things until I realized he was part of the band of thieves Link belonged to.

pg 2: "Yes we have. We’ll fight for the honor of great Eria, for her fare hills and grand mountains, for her young boys and cute little girls. And the whole world will see how amazing we really are."
 -I'm not sure boys would talk like this. Also "fair," not "fare".  The next line from them is the same.  I don't think they would say "rather impressive," when the farmer in front of Bern said "don’tcha know."  More importantly, if they do talk like this, tell us why.  Are they a rich noble's sons out for an adventure?

Pg 8: "Bern gave a slight smile. Rak seemed to take an odd pleasure in reminding Bern of his paunch.  Not odd; perverse."
 -But he only mentioned it once in passing...Bern seems really uptight about this...

"Bern raised an eyebrow. “I can see how Ark comes from Rak, but where did the Chapun come from?”
“Paunch!”
 -This just seems weird.  He chose a name to make fun of Bern before he knew Bern would come into the room?  Either this has some important meaning later, which I'm missing, or I would cut it.  It's just confusing as to why you put so much importance on Rak joking about Bern's belly.

The conversation with the minister also seems a little too much.  The minister might dismiss Bern's warning as a something drawing troops away from where they are needed, but I also don't think anyone in power would instantly ignore someone telling him of a danger he'd never heard of.  Maybe he would send a few men to investigate?

Overall, this chapter doesn't do a whole lot for the story.  It sets Bern as a possible new character, tells that someone has rounded up all the spies in this city of Eria, a place we haven't seen before, and lets us know Link is moving his army.  We already knew that.  Is Bern Erian?  Why is he warning the queen rather than one of main characters?  You might be setting something up, but unless that's the reason, I think a lot of this could be cut or summed up in an aside.
 

[akoebel]

It also took me a while to remember who Bern was.

 

The reasons for going to war for the two young men was a bit strange to me. In earlier times, people weren't so patriotic. One might be conscripted by force or law (which was often the case), or want to get a name for yourself, possibly for easy plunder (and women), but defending your "fair land's name" wasn't simply done.

 

Bern's entire conversation with the minister was wrong:

* Why didn't Bern start his story with Link? "I've seen this guy kill a king and take a mystic sword. Then, he went to the jungle to be acclaimed like a god. You're next on his list" It would be much more convincing.

* Why isn't he asked his credentials by the minister?

* The minister actually argues about the impossibility of Bern having gone to the jungle. Why doesn't he just show him the door saying that he doesn't have time to waste on low people imagining threats?

 

My questions : 

* If the guards let most people pass with only a glance, why does it take so long to enter?

* The baker store has a stall outside that nobody is apparently watching. How come he still has any bread left on it and it's not been stolen?

* I didn't understand how Bern's contact, a known spy, could procure access to the queen. If he was able to do so, why was he victim to the purge?

* Does the palace guard let anyone enter? It's only after Bern came inside that he was asked who he was - and not even what he wanted then.

[cjhuitt he/him]

I agree with both the other responses, and will add that I didn't recall Bern at all when I read it... granted, a few months later.  I would suggest that if he's going to be a recurring POV, he might need a more sympathetic reintroduction -- get the reader on his side at the beginning.  As it is, it appears he's an object placed in line for people to talk at.

 

As mentioned, the dialogue seems really odd, especially the blond boy's.  Even the interaction with the farmer seemed off, though I couldn't find exactly what in the dialogue to point me that way.

 

 

 

Also, Torax City seems odd for an older city; having the “City” part, at least.  Thinking of capital cities off the top of my head: London, Paris, Rome, Washington D.C., Mexico City, Quito, Sidney, and a couple others that I couldn’t be sure of the capitals of (Canada, Japan, China) without looking them up (I know, shame on me).  Of those, only Mexico had “City” as part of it’s capital’s name.  The “city” part usually gets dropped as the city gets bigger and more famous, if it was ever there to begin with.  Even New York is usually just that, not New York City.

 

Why would the traffic propel Bern forward when it is creeping so slowly through the gate?

 

The garden description was well done.

 

The rest thickens the plot well enough, I suppose, though I’m not exactly sure of Bern’s motivations in coming here to warn the queen, nor am I convinced as to why he has to tell the queen only, and doesn't want to deal with the ministers or others of state who's job it is to look after these sorts of thing for the queen.