20150608 - Fruits of the Gods Ch18 (4590) - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Chapter 18
Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.  Each sister travels a different path to enter the city.  Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace.  Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s.

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer]

- I like that Kisare has to be told to keep her head up as a noble. That's one of things I like so much about this work - the consistency of characterization between the characters.

 

- I also liked her reaction to the slaves as well, and having to stay in character while being served by the slaves.

 

- Ooooh . . . I really like reveal about Amilanu's "slaves". That was a nice touch.

 

- I liked the POV switches are coming faster and faster. At first the chapters would alternate between the sister, now we're getting each of their respective in a chapter . . . this is a good way to amp up the tension.

 

- I really liked the explosive fight between Beli and llzi.

 

-Overall, this was an awesome chapter. One thing though . . . I'm really starting to wonder what became of Hbelu, especially after llzi's cryptic response. The suspense has been building since it's been so long since we've seen this character. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I'm very interested to see what comes next. 

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the comments!

 

Glad you like the POV shifts.  It was a lot of fun to write them (as was Belili vs. Ilzi).

 

Yes, I do have some concerns about how long Hbelu is missing from the story.  He will reappear--never fear!  I guess you can tell me at the end whether it was too long, or long enough.

[Robinski]

Always interesting to read other comments on this story.

 

Just in case anyone happens to think that I review all the submissions each week apart from Mandamon's, we are in a writing group together with some other grumpy bloke (kidding, Drew!!)  so it ain't that way at all!!

 

I share many of RD's reactions, which I find interesting. Kisa's characterisation in particular (for me); the power of the fight with Ilzi (less troublesome in terms of the awkwardness of downright slowness of using Fruit in combat); the cool reveal of Amilanu's slaves. But..... first and foremost, the problem of Hbelu - for me, his profile, some of his reactions and decisions, but overall his presence (or lack of it) as spiritual leader of his people.

 

Still, it's a great story, continue to enjoy it each week. Keep it coming!!

[Mandamon]

And here I thought you just kept coming back for the upvote... ;-)

[Majestic Fox]

Magic fruit and slavery. This is an unusual story. I like how bold you're being with the setting. 

 

There were some nice details in this chapter. The frozen wine in the fight at the end in particular struck me as vivid. Those kind of original, imaginative details really help to bring a story to life.

 

For the most part I was engaged in the writing, but I also noticed I was a little bored in parts. For me, there's too much explaining of the magic system. You're at chapter 18 now. By this point in the story I suggest the reader should know how magic works, and you should have developed a short hand for describing it. Doing this would quicken the pace and leave more room for other stuff, like character development. 

 

Digging deeper into why I felt a little disengaged in parts - I think perhaps the first scene of the chapter might need more of an arc - more change, conflict, internal character development... I'm not sure. What do you think? 

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the comments.  The magic is probably what I will have to work on the most in the revision.  Comments at the beginning suggest I didn't explain it well enough, which I why there is perhaps too much explaining now!

 

Glad you liked the fight in general.  I think that's one of my favorite scenes.

 

As to arcs, you're probably right there too.  I know there's some dead space that needs to be removed, and I can add in some needed information about character development and plot streamlining.

[Majestic Fox]

It's good. Keep writing.

 

How far off the end of the first book do you think you are?

[Mandamon]

It's already done--I'm just posting chapters now for feedback on rewriting.  There are 23 chapters total and a short epilogue, so you're almost there.  I'll probably have to split a couple of the last chapters into two weeks as they're large.

 

As to "first book,"  This is supposed to be stand-alone.  I'll let you guys comment on how well I did that. ;-)