20150608 - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 10 - 4244 words (-)

[Robinski he/him]

Chapter 8 of 14, the second half of the story begins. I hope there is still something here of interest, and that it’s not all becoming a bit too esoteric.

 

Blacklake had begun to prepare for the exhibition of his paintings at Fitzbillies Tea Room at the suggestion of Judith Carmichael, who works there. He has discovered that he has feelings for her, and she has come to symbolise his escape from the horror of his association with Tarquin and Sabine, who he has manage to elude for some few years by hiding away in Cambridge.

 

The reality of his situation however, is that the two appear to have decided to reel him back into back into their cabal. Sabine has arrived in Cambridge and Tarquin purports to be on his way, to what end Rutland Blacklake does not dare surmise. Blacklake has tried and failed to hide Judith from Sabine, to the extent that Judith suffered an attack as she stood sketching on one of the bridges over the River Cam. The presumption is that Sabine was the attacker.

 

At the end of the last chapter, Rutland reluctantly agreed to meet Sabine at Queens College, where she is lodging.

 

Comments much appreciated. Thank you!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- "foul temper" make be an understatement for what Blakelake is feeling right now, considering what these creatures represent.

 

- I like that Sabine is cordial to Blakelake, even suggesting she "can find another companion" if necessary. It really makes these creatures seem a bit more three-dimensional. It also makes it all the more creepy wondering what Blakelake is walking into.

 

- I liked Blacklake's conversation with Watt, and the idea of an unpractical engineer.

 

- Overall, I thought it was a good chapter which raises some questions about both Blacklake and Sabine. I'm really curious to know what comes next! 

[Mandamon he/him]

I liked this section more than I thought I would.  I was ready for another slowdown in pace as Rutland talked to various faculty, but I liked the interchange with Dr. Watt.  Not sure if that will be relevant later, but I made a comment on it below.  I'm also wondering now if he's going to survive the book.

The part with Sabine was very interesting and showed some good character development.  Now I'm wondering which version of her is the act, and which is true!

 

 

Comments:

 

pg 1: "To what effect he knew not, but at least he could dismiss the act as idle curiosity was Sabine to challenge him on it later in the evening."

--something wrong with this sentence

 

pg 2: "He only hoped that they did require some poor victim to lay down their life"

--"did not require," I assume...

 

pg 2: "He was spitting mad"

--This is a big opportunity for show insead of tell.  You've been describing thoughts for a page or so, but could break it up with Blacklake's actions showing his mood.

 

pg 5: " There were some females in the gallery, but not many, the majority wore academic black, but the handful of women who were civilians did nothing to raise their conspicuousness, having chosen muted, autumnal colours such as grey, rust and olive."

--big run-on sentence

 

pg 6: A Scottish Engineer?  Shall I cry Mary Sue? ;-)  Or is this a play on James Watt?

 

pg 10/11: Blacklake first tells Sabine to leave Dr. Watt alone, then sets him up to meet with him the next day.  Wouldn't that potentially result in Watt's death?

 

pg 14-16: Some good development for Sabine (if it's true)

 

pg 16: "He had to now"

--know

[Majestic Fox he/him]

I found this chapter more well written and more engaging than the last one I read (six I think... the one where Sabine appears from the shadows in the alleyway). I expect that if I'd read them all, I'd like it even more. 

Here are some thoughts and stuff:

 

The mood of the story felt dark and gritty last chapter, and continues to generally. This chapter, a teahouse was mentioned. Does Blacklake have cream and sugar? Or just a scone? Joking, sorry. The presence of things like tea houses and art galleries creates, for me, an interesting juxtaposition to the dark and gritty tone. Are you doing it intentionally? 

 

There's a lot of thought process going on. It far outweighs the concrete description. That said, I'm enjoying his ponderings for the most part. You seem to be giving us more clarity than last time, which I think is a good thing, at least to begin with. Finding the balance between subtext and clarity is tricky.

 

There's a little too much telling, not enough showing (in my humble fox's opinion).

 

Reading...

 

Man, this encounter with Watt is going on for quite a while. Is he an important character, or we just meandering here? What relevance does this art/engineering debate have on the heart of the story? Why am I reading this? 

 

Sabine felt intensely mysterious and otherworldly last chapter. This time she feels a little more human, especially when she says 'old fogies'. 

 

I like how Sabine and Blacklake are carrying on another conversation beneath the idle chatter with Watt. I think you could use that to even greater effect on a later revision. 

 

I like Sabine. She's a strong character. Enjoying her conversation with Blacklake, when Watt leaves. The dialogue here is more engaging, although this part (below) diminished her power a little for me: 

 

‘Did you ever consider that I might have grown to despise myself? Or that I was lost in a sea of appetites, addictions, cast adrift from my humanity? Did you think that what happened between us was what I wanted?’

 

Man, I wish Blacklake would stop thinking and let the things flow. I was enjoying that conversation with Sabine.

 

Your writing is good, Robinski. Take me deeper into your story, with greater pace. 

Edited June 8, 2015 by Majestic Fox

[Robinski he/him]

Fantastic comments, guys, thank you.

 

@RDP: understatement - got it; questions raised, good - as long as the story answers them; Watt is a plus - excellent!

 

@Mandamon: like your thought about Watt's survival chances; typos - noted, guilty, thanks; Mary-Sue? - hmm, perhaps I identify with both of them and it's the two halves of my psyche battling it out to the philosophical death; I like your comments about Blacklake's apparent change of tack in relation to Watt, at the risk of him thinking about something else (pesky thoughts), perhaps he should consider that in passing.

 

@Majestic Fox: gritty versus tearoom - not really a conscious thought. Fitzbillies is very real, you can order their Chelsea buns online. There are two stories prior to this, the one immediately so is set in a quiet English village, hopefully scratches the veneer of country life, and tries to be equally gritty. Mandamon can comment; thought process - this was written a long time ago in terms of my writing growth (I trust), I try to cut down on the pondering now; too much telling - noted.

 

Watt didn't work for you - noted - to some extent he's a foil, as you note in your comments on reading; Sabine and her diminution - I hear what you say, glad she interests you. Does this diminish her? Only if it's true. Is she toying with Blacklake.....? Great pace - hem, don't hold you breath    : o )

 

Thanks again guys - really helpful and constructive.