20130318 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 11

[Mandamon he/him]

Here is chapter 11 of The Seeds of Dissolution.

Previously:
-Origon flew a capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji.
-Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt.  He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether.
-Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species.
-Rilan meets her new apprentice and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe.
-A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede.  Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls.

I'm looking for the same stuff as always: character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words.

Thanks!

[yankorro]

Wow...I'd tried reading this without having read the previous chapter and was thoroughly lost. Then I went back, read Chap 10, came back and had a much easier time of it. Meaning, whatever you're doing worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve-wise, etc. seems to be working; I'm able to follow the yarn without doing too strenous a mental gymnastics routine.

 

There were a couple speedbumps for me, prose wise, which I will proceed to nitpick:

 

>>His voice was like melted chocolate, rich and warm and much deeper than anyone of his size had a right to.  Rilan loved hearing him speak, the little he did.

 

The reference to 'melted chocolate' jars me a bit coming in narration like that. Maybe if we flip flopped the sentences: "Rilan loved hearing him, etc. His voice was like etc.", the image would be more closely associated with Rilan's POV. If not it seems to me a bit random.

 

>>The whole Assembly could hear him easily, not only because of his loud voice and the good acoustics, but because of the System laid in over the floor, augmenting any sounds.

 

A minor POV qualm here: if the viewpoint character is ostensibly Rilan, how do we know what the whole Assembly could or couldn't hear. Maybe something more objective, like "The sound of his voice rang out across the Assembly, reaching all corners effortlessly thanks to etc.'.  Also. is this 'System' you mention going to come into play later somehow plotwise or something? If not you could just leave it out. I'd get almost more of a 'sense of wonder' kind of thing if it were thanks to the badass acoustics of the place. (Just an opinion.)

 

One last nit to pick:

 

 

>>The Sureri walked to the center of the rotunda, cocked a hip, etc.

>>The Sureri was typical of his kind—tall, painfully thin, etc.

 

We're introduced to this Sureri character who is brought onstage and made to cock his hip etc. before we even get a chance to "see him" through description. When I read the actual description I had to go back and revise my mental image of him. A bit confusing.

 

Anyhow, I think the dialogue and character development via interior monologue etc is getting steadily better as the plot thickens. Keep up the good work. 

[cjhuitt he/him]

Who/what is the Effature?  Rilan thinks he’s old, but not a thousand cycles or more, but we don’t know what species he is, do we?  Or what the possible lifespan is for that species?

 

You mention how the Sureriaj are funny about names, but a brief note on how to interpret Tad’s name change might be welcome.  Rilan should have that information, I would think.

 

Would a speaker for a council like this directly ask someone if they’ve been disgraced?  Perhaps for that race it isn’t an impolite question, I guess.

 

The reveal of the guns was clunky, specifically the “fiddled with something in his coat”, and then referring to two names shooting; so close after mentioning the grandmothers, I thought maybe those were the grandmother’s names.

 

Some guards.  On further reflection, though, I’m not sure it makes sense.  Why would the Sathssn need to bribe the guards, especially one of their speakers?  Surely there’s a procedure for having the weapons cleared, or something.  Unless they wanted to cause problems, of course.

 

After reading ahead, I think specifically calling out the incident with the star map in this chapter for Sam is probably overkill.  Just a mention of his feeling that it has been slipping might be enough.

 

“‘What did you say?’ Enos said.”  This threw me, because Sam hadn’t said anything, nor was there yet an indication that he was fighting to not cry.

 

A huge coincidence with Enos also having experienced a Drain.