20130311 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 10

[Mandamon]

Here is chapter 10 of The Seeds of Dissolution.

Previously:

-Origon flew a capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji.

-Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether.

-Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species.

-Rilan meets her new apprentice and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe.

I'm looking for the same stuff as always: character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words.

Thanks!

[AubreyWrites]

I like this chapter. For the most part the explanations of the symphony make sense. The picture I have in my mind of how your magic system works is based on some sort of cosmic vibration? At least that's how it's coming across to me. like sound waves or vibration waves on a quantum level or something. Anyways it was simple and easy to follow.

It did take me a few minutes to remember who Councilor Ayama was- it didn't click until a page later that it was Rilan. We've been introduced to so many characters in the last couple chapters that i didn't remember her second name was Ayama.

pg. 2 - He’s a spry old man, I’ll give him that, Sam thought

I think you could probably drop this dialogue tag. I don't know why but it just pulled me out of the story. We know it's Sam thinking, you don't have to tell us here.

Also when you speak of the Cult of Form, it feels like some of their culture is based in fundamentalist middle eastern practices - black burkas and what not. And that Ori views them in not such a good light. I don't know if it was your intention or not for Ori's distaste for them or their culture to link back so directly to groups back here on earth but that is the connection that I made. If that WAS your intention - then ok, but if not, then i wanted to let you know the conclusions me as a reader were jumping to.

I am very curious about Enos. I have a feeling she is REALLY not all she says she is. so good job telegraphing that.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Edited March 11, 2013 by AubreyWrites

[Mandamon]

Also when you speak of the Cult of Form, it feels like some of their culture is based in fundamentalist middle eastern practices - black burkas and what not. And that Ori views them in not such a good light. I don't know if it was your intention or not for Ori's distaste for them or their culture to link back so directly to groups back here on earth but that is the connection that I made. If that WAS your intention - then ok, but if not, then i wanted to let you know the conclusions me as a reader were jumping to.

I definitely want to get impressions from readers on these people. It wasn't my intention to channel anything Mid-eastern about them. They are religious fundamentalists, but as much as any Baptist, Catholic, Muslim, Jew, or any other religion could be. Looking back on the story, though, there are some obvious parallels. Any thoughts on how to differentiate in the story so it doesn't seem like I'm making a particular political or religious statement?

[cnr87]

I really loved this chapter. I feel like we are getting to a deeper level of the characters, and I love finding out more about the 10 species.

Haha, I really loved this curse "By the ancestor's egg teeth." I have no idea what it means, but I like it anyway.

I hate to pick at this again, but I still see a few problems with Sam's agoraphobia. Previously, you said that Sam would probably be shy, but upon first meeting Enos, he tries to get her to make eye contact and invites her to lunch. I do really want Sam and Enos to interact, but perhaps the suggestion could come from one of the magi instead of the apprentices? Or Sam could force himself to make conversation to avoid awkward silences? If the block is also helping with the social interactions, perhaps you could have Sam say something about how talking to girls was something he could have never done before, or something like that?-- Upon reading further, this does get better farther into the chapter. He becomes more awkward around her. I would still consider their first meeting though.

Hmm, about the Cult of Form, so far, I haven't felt the way Aubrey does so far, but I think you should be cautious about it. If you were just trying to say they wear dark robes, perhaps you could call them dark robes or cowls that hid their faces instead.

"while this Aridori rice paper flaps in the wind, what then?”... I'm not sure what this meant. Is this a cultural saying about the Aridori or something?

I'm very curious to find out what Enos is being so secretive about.

[yankorro]

Hey, this is a little late in coming, but I was trying to read Chap 11 without having read chap 12 and it was a bit confusing. So I backed up, read it, and figured I ought to comment on one or two things.

 

I think the dialogue and interactions here flow pretty well, the bits of interior monologue fit in well, etc. The explanation of the 'magic system' if you wanna call it that isn't at all info-dumpy, which is good. I also didn't get the feeling of the Cult of Form being some evil al-Qaeda thing (but maybe I missed that in a previous chapter).

 

I would. however, be cautious with some of the descriptions of Enos. To me, it seems like descriptions like "she looked more Polynesian than Oriental" really kind of put people in a 'race' box that I'm not sure is very sensitive. In fact, I don't think anyone uses the word 'Oriental' for people anymore; rugs maybe but not people.

 

I'd also be wary about the "almond-shaped" eyes, not because it's offensive but it's a bit cliched.

 

Other than that no real qualms, apart from one bit, where it says:

>>"Enos was pretty—like, one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen, but he was hopeless with girls." At this stage I think the point that he's not great with the ladies has been hammered home pretty satisfactorily, no need to spell it out again.

 

Now on to Chapter 11!

[Mandamon]

I also didn't get the feeling of the Cult of Form being some evil al-Qaeda thing (but maybe I missed that in a previous chapter).

 

I would. however, be cautious with some of the descriptions of Enos. To me, it seems like descriptions like "she looked more Polynesian than Oriental" really kind of put people in a 'race' box that I'm not sure is very sensitive. In fact, I don't think anyone uses the word 'Oriental' for people anymore; rugs maybe but not people.

 

Thanks for the comments.  Seems like I might be doing alright with the Cult of Form.  I'll keep an eye out as I write.  I'll also go back to that description of Enos.  I see what you mean.

 

I'd also be wary about the "almond-shaped" eyes, not because it's offensive but it's a bit cliched.

 I was reading my current book at lunch today and came across this same line.  Now that you pointed it out, it just made me laugh!

 

 

I hate to pick at this again, but I still see a few problems with Sam's agoraphobia. Previously, you said that Sam would probably be shy, but upon first meeting Enos, he tries to get her to make eye contact and invites her to lunch. I do really want Sam and Enos to interact, but perhaps the suggestion could come from one of the magi instead of the apprentices? Or Sam could force himself to make conversation to avoid awkward silences? If the block is also helping with the social interactions, perhaps you could have Sam say something about how talking to girls was something he could have never done before, or something like that?-- Upon reading further, this does get better farther into the chapter. He becomes more awkward around her. I would still consider their first meeting though.

 

 Yep.  This is one of those things that nagged at me when I wrote and I shrugged it off.  People always pick up on those points!  I need to listen to my subconscious while I write.

 

Haha, I really loved this curse "By the ancestor's egg teeth." I have no idea what it means, but I like it anyway.

"while this Aridori rice paper flaps in the wind, what then?”... I'm not sure what this meant. Is this a cultural saying about the Aridori or something?

 

 They're both attempts at being "cultural" whether that worked out or not.  The rice paper comment meant Origon believes the threat of the Aridori is only a flimsy ruse.  Not sure if I got that point across correctly.

[cjhuitt]

I liked the cultural additions, and understood the rice-paper metaphor.

 

Other than the descriptions, which others have hit upon, and even skipping the agoraphobia, I'm not sure what I feel about Sam trying to hit on the first woman near his age he meets; nor about having her be intrinsically so beautiful.  At least, claimed to be beautiful, and that might be part of the problem -- we are getting Sam's feelings through narration instead of how he acts.  Now, with some tweaks to the POV monologue and maybe another substantiating detail or two, it might work just fine.

 

Or alternately, here's a late thought: he had comic-book collections, right?  Compare her to a comic book character for initial looks.  Extra bonus if she acts completely differently than the comic-book character.  Movies and/or TV shows would also be possible.  Anime, even, though you might want to still include much of the physical description of her for those of us who haven't read the comic/seen the show.

 

Would any religion self-describe as a cult?  Even with the Nether translating intent; perhaps especially with the translated intent, calling themselves a Cult of Form seems very odd.  (I know they don't actually describe themselves as such in this chapter, but this is the first introduction of the term.)  Of course, it might be interesting to play with a bit different terminology (including connotations) from the two sides -- inside the group and outside of it.