20150601 - Fruits of the Gods Ch17 (4692) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Previously:

 

Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.  Each sister travels a different path to enter the city.  Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace.

 

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Maybe I missed something (blame it on Weekly Reader Syndrome) but how does Kisare know Beli hasn't been captured yet? Shouldn't she be worried for her sister after being forced to split up?

 

- I liked the details about the Lychee, but I'd like to hear the ways Beli had in mind to use the Lychee, even if it was just a joke or off-hand comment.

 

- Again, I'd avoid using words like "teleporation" and "phasing" because they are too familiar to science fiction and fantasy fans. You might also think, in addition to giving a different name to concepts like "teleportation" and "phasing", how are they different in your book? What makes your use of these elements different than other stories?

 

- I really liked the short confrontation with Ilzi.

 

- Overall, this chapter subverted my expectations. When I saw Kisare and Gemeti make it to the Dyad's, I was concerned they would immediately meet up with Beli. I'm glad that didn't happen and the sisters are still separated. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback!

Good point on Bel being captured.  I guess Kisa doesn't know if she isn't, but then doesn't know if she is either.

 

I've had some other concerns on the magic system, so I'll be doing a lot of editing in that regard.  Good suggestion.

 

Glad there were some surprises!  Hopefully they'll keep coming.

[Esaias he/him]

Gemeti gave the name they had come up with…

 

This line should probably be cut. Gemeti gives the name here and a few sentences down, she gives the name again.

 

Kisare hoped Bel would recognize the name of the old slave who escaped every year.  She wondered if Mulagun was still alive.  Probably, now that Aricaba-Ata had traveled to the capital as well.  Maybe he would escape for good without the old master watching over him.

 

This should be its own paragraph.

 

Gemeti paused, and Kisare almost bumped into her.  "What is it?"

 

The dialogue should be its own paragraph as well and maybe a tag could be added. At first I thought Gemeti said that.

 

Kisare felt her face pale at how easily the woman uncovered her deception.  This plan would never work--Mistress Arahuna was only one of the staff, not a powerful noble.  They didn't even know where Hbelu was and she didn't dare ask without the woman figuring the plan out.

 

This should be its own paragraph.

 

"What is your intention in coming here, Gemeti?"

 

Dialogue tag this for clarity

 

Kisare blinked in surprise as her traveling companion wheeled around.

 

Own paragraph

 

Lychee for changing mass

 

She thinks mass here, but says weight earlier.

 

Olive for…what?  She hadn't found that one out yet.

 

I seem to remember that Gemeti told them all the powers. Did you change this or am I remembering wrong?

[Mandamon he/him]

Gwslow--thanks for the comments.  You may be right on them knowing about the Olive powers.  That part had a couple changes and I may have messed up the sequence.

[Majestic Fox he/him]

I enjoyed the chapter. POV remains strong, Distinctive minor characters again, Marut in particular. The world building is interesting and well layered into the story - I like you're not afraid to slow the pace and describe things in a bit of depth. 

 

My interest was held through most of the chapter, with one or two exceptions: 

Pg 6 - Lost interest a little half down the page when Belili is wandering through the palace.

 

I enjoy reading about the magic much more when you show the effects rather than talk about them in a removed way, for example Belili noticing her own footsteps becoming louder vs Her hearing jumped a level.

Same thing here: She used one Mulberry to teleport past a group of finely-dressed women, all with multiple streaks of color. This feels a little game like to me. 

 

I had the same reaction to Gwslow about the Olive thing.

 

The ending was compelling (and would have been even more so if I'd read the whole of your story so far) but to me it felt like the chapter ended just when it was starting to get dramatic. Maybe the advised 5000 word limit for Reading Excuses forced you to end it there, in which case I suppose you don't really need to worry until the second draft.

 

It was a good read. You have a distinctive fantasy world and writing style. Hoping to see this finished.

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks Majestic Fox!  Good comments.

 

I'll agree Bel wandering about is not the most interesting.  I'll need to make that clearer and more to the (plot) point when rewriting.  Also, that is actually where the chapter ends.  It's a bit of a cliffhanger for what's coming next.