02/25/2013 - AubreyWrites - MoonStruck - Chapter 5

[AubreyWrites she/her]

So looking for all the usual stuff. Character building, world building, structure/plot issues.

Also, I am really curious about my character voices. Writing them as children and then as adults (or in Rowana's case -teenager), how am I doing on that score? Am I doing it right? Does anything seem off?

And how is my structure coming across- having an interlude at the beginning of each chapter? Just looking for thoughts on how this is coming across to readers!

Thanks!

[Mandamon he/him]

I actually like the interludes. It gives some good background for the characters. I would either avoid anything consequential or important happening (like the thugs in the last chapter) if you aren't planning to follow up on it later. This chapter interlude is better because it develops the characters while not promising anything to the reader. I don't have any problems in the transition from child to adult. They all seem to act in a consistent manner, or at least nothing has jumped out at me.

As to the chapter itself:

The daydream runs a little long for me... I was mostly chuckling over how Bleys, if he's like any other man, would not have planned any of this like Elizabeth imagines, almost comically so.

[reads the rest of the chapter]

...and yep, he didn't. Sounds about right. I think the setup and payoff in the chapter was good, but a little over-obvious. You did all the right things, but maybe don't drag them out as much. We can already guess the date won't go well from the title, but then Elizabeth daydreaming for so long belabors the point and makes the reader even more certain of the result.

I do like the mention of some future tech, along with the caution that they have to stay out of sight, and that's why they don't use it.

Interested to see what happens with James Nguyen. I assume him bumping into them was not an accident.

Elizabeth gets cold a lot in this chapter...just something that popped out at me.

[AubreyWrites she/her]

Mandamon,

The daydream runs a little long for me... I was mostly chuckling over how Bleys, if he's like any other man, would not have planned any of this like Elizabeth imagines, almost comically so.

[reads the rest of the chapter]

...and yep, he didn't. Sounds about right.

This comment made me laugh- I guess personal experience has paid off! That's totally what I was going for and I am glad it came across.

Interested to see what happens with James Nguyen. I assume him bumping into them was not an accident.

You are correct. He was not an accident.

Elizabeth gets cold a lot in this chapter...just something that popped out at me.

Funny you say that.....I'm pretty sure when I first wrote this scene a couple years ago I was going through a lizard phase where I was always cold....lol

Thanks for the input!

[Glaring at the Survivor he/him]

I said this to myself but in my heart knew it will do no good to ask- we never go anywhere.

This stood out to me because of the tense oddity.

I said this to myself but in my heart knew it will do no good to ask- we never go anywhere.

The first part is past tense, the second is future.

“Eliza, we’ve been here for less than two hours. I can’t justify even going to breakfast this early much less take the time to take you home.” Alex spoke severely.

This struck me as odd since her nickname as only ever been 'Liza as far as I'm aware. And now it's Eliza.

Edited March 5, 2013 by Stroniax

[AubreyWrites she/her]

Thanks for catching the tense issue. You are correct. I will go back and fix it.

On her nicknames. Many people have variations on their names or nicknames. Alex is trying to be severe so her formalizes her nickname a little to impress that upon her.

Thanks for the feedback!