20130225 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 9

[Mandamon]

Here is chapter 9 of The Seeds of Dissolution, which introduces the third and (I think) final POV of the book.

Previously:

Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange abberation that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species.

I'm looking for critique on character development, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with new words.

Thanks!

[Turos]

Very nice work!

Ok, to the point, then

Character Development:

Each character seems to have a unique personality, which is good. I feel like I can connect to Rilan, Origon, and Sam. Enos is still a mystery, but that seems to be the point.

Worldbuilding:

The Nether is a cool concept, how Origon describes it. The way Sam appears to be the same race as Rilan is also a cool idea, and I'm wondering how that will be explained. The overall 'ten species' thing is also a good setup for your story. The kelhiw sounds cool, but I don't know enough about it yet from what I've read to give any opinion. I guess I better do that catch-up reading. Ha ha!

Pacing:

I guess I would say the pacing seems like the story is moving on in this chapter smoothly with a sense of "people are getting to know each other" scenario. Nothing exciting, but definitely learning going on.

Learning curve:

Even though I don't understand how the magic system works yet, you are delivering bits and pieces in a way that allows me to pick up on it pretty well so far. The descriptions of color and how Sam perceives the kelhiw are good. In fact, having Sam as a character who is learning and thinking about what he is learning, alongside us readers, is a perfect tool for helping us see things the right way. If that's all the purpose Sam serves in this story, it will be good enough, though I am interested in seeing how he meets or does not meet his personal goals.

Confusion with new words:

I didn't notice any, other than 'kelhiw' and some deity names. Those all make sense. You explained them well enough for me to get the gist. Not a new word, but I have to admit, the name of Rilan's race, the Methiemum, is cool, but I am struggling with a proper way to pronounce it in my head. Did I miss a part where Sam learns to pronounce it in an earlier chapter? I guess it doesn't matter, but I personally can't quite settle on one way to say it. xD I guess I'm not used to reading Sci-fi stuff, so alien names aren't my strength. Is it mee-thee-EE-mum or perhaps MEE-thee-mum or maybe METH-ee-mum or meth-EYE-mum?

In the overall aspect, I continue to enjoy your work! This story, from what little I have witnessed, has novel-quality written all over it.

[AubreyWrites]

ok,

I will try and go chronologically.

I like Rilan's PoV. I am interested in her, (finally) and I like the set up with Enos. - I'm assuming we will be seeing more of Enos?

Page 1:

Shiv take the man, she thought for perhaps the tenth time.

This little curse kinda brought me out of the story for just a moment- Origon's not technically a man right? I mean he's got feathers sprouting where hair should be right?

This was my thought process when I read that part. "wait a second-I don't think he's a man, right? But I don't really remember what he looks like either...i think he has feathers?...maybe I should flip back and look...eh, I'm too lazy - ok let's get back to the story."

I think you have a fun opportunity to come up with an original descriptive curse that is memorable/maybe slightly funny and re-affirms some of Origon's physical characteristics. i.e "Curse his feathery mustache!" (Obviously, you know him better than I do because all I remember is that he has a mustache made of feathers)

Just a thought.

Page 2:

Rilan barely kept from rubbing her forehead in frustration. Now I know that psychological technique won’t work. This is going to be a long day.

I think sequence would be stronger if you dropped the second sentence. You have already intimated that Rilan is going to manipulate Enos to see what makes her tick a couple sentences before this when she wondered how to best make use of Enos's attachment. Spelling out for the reader that she was trying a physiological tactic is redundant and I feel is telling rather than showing. By cutting that one sentence I think it makes her frustration stronger because the reader can infer for themselves that what she just tried didn't work.

Again, just a thought.

Page 3:

I know I keep harping on this, but I'm just not buying Sam in this first part of his scene.

Master. The word had a strange flavor to him. The word was not used often on Earth anymore, and Sam had never really thought about what it meant. He was regarded by others as beneath Majus Cyrysi, physically, mentally, and socially. But he could work to improve himself. One day he would graduate to become one of the Maji himself.

I'm assuming that Sam's present day on Earth is fairly close to ours right? In which case, the term 'Master' isn't just an academic term- it almost has a dirty connotation. In our day and age it's sooo in-politically correct to refer to someone as inferior (I don't want you to be confused as me attacking you for using it or anything- it fits your story) but that in our world people get really offended if it's implied that they aren't equal to someone. And yet Sam is surprisingly chill about the whole thing.

He's just taking everything into stride sooooo well. If I didn't know better I'd think he was medicated! I mean he just figured out a little while ago that he's not even in his own galaxy anymore! and now his entire existence is to be governed by a weird pompous alien?

He's already skipped to 'can the Nether replace my home'- as if accepting that he my never see it again, Not fearing that he may never see it.

I think I could accept his persona a lot better if Sam were actually following the stages of Grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining,Depression, Acceptance) at losing his aunt and home and incorporating his fear of the future. Obviously not every person displays these stages in the same way or for the same amount of time, but people DO go through them after suffering something and I think Sam would be made stronger as a character if we could see him struggling with some of these things.

Not to say he has to be overwhelmed by them ( although I don't think it would be far-fetched to be overwhelmed by being ripped from your home, watching your aunt die, finding out that there ARE aliens...and oh wait, you aren't even in your galaxy anymore, and now you don't even really control your own life anymore because you have a master (alien master!) that will dictate your every move for what looks like years to come!)

I like his sense of wonder but people can be very contradictory within themselves. He can still be terrified -or whatever and still have that sense of 'this is so cool!' People are complex creatures!

I really like the further description of the Nether. Very cool and well done in describing it. The floor was

really interesting to read.

Page 5:

Sam's reaction to the start map was fantastic. We are finally seeing some of the cracks in him from his agoraphobia. Great scene. Very well done. The star map reminded me of Titan A.E. and Stargate Atlantis.

Can't wait to read next week's chapter!

[Mandamon]

Not a new word, but I have to admit, the name of Rilan's race, the Methiemum, is cool, but I am struggling with a proper way to pronounce it in my head. Did I miss a part where Sam learns to pronounce it in an earlier chapter? I guess it doesn't matter, but I personally can't quite settle on one way to say it. xD I guess I'm not used to reading Sci-fi stuff, so alien names aren't my strength. Is it mee-thee-EE-mum or perhaps MEE-thee-mum or maybe METH-ee-mum or meth-EYE-mum?

I generally go with the answer Brandon Sanderson always gives, which is that you get to decide!

My pronounciation is meth-ee-EM-um. I'm curious--what was your first pronounciation of the name? Also, how do you pronounce Origon and Rilan's names?

I like Rilan's PoV. I am interested in her, (finally) and I like the set up with Enos. - I'm assuming we will be seeing more of Enos?

Glad you're starting to like her. She might be my favorite of the three, but it's very hard to choose. And on Enos: Oh yes.

This little curse kinda brought me out of the story for just a moment- Origon's not technically a man right?

You're correct--he's not technically a man. I've struggled to come up with a good shorthand for referring to different creatures, especially in the heat of the moment. What do you call a female alien? Alienette?

On the other hand, Rilan and Origon have a close relationship, so calling him that is not too far off, for her. I think this is something else I need to make clearer in my writing. It will become clearer later on, but I might need to move it earlier. The Nether tends to homogenize between species, so they regard each other as people, where "man" or "woman" is a generic term.

(Oh, by the way, Rilan swears by very specific things, which you can probably pick up as you see more of her).

I know I keep harping on this, but I'm just not buying Sam in this first part of his scene.

A lot of this was already written by the time this was brought up, which is why it's still a problem. On the other hand, I've done a time-warp and added a section I forgot in the previous chapter. When Rilan looks into Sam's head, she notes his agorophobia and puts in a mental block in to help him short-term, which makes this comment very apropo:

He's just taking everything into stride sooooo well. If I didn't know better I'd think he was medicated!

So with this retcon, he won't have as much of an issue with agorophobia from now on. As for the previous chapters, yes I still need to fix that...

Sam's reaction to the start map was fantastic. We are finally seeing some of the cracks in him from his agoraphobia.

I quite like this part myself, and I think this is the sort of thing I need to replicate earlier in the story as I re-edit.

Thanks for all the other comments, too--I will take them to heart!

[cnr87]

I think your story is progressing nicely. I think the Nether as a concept is really cool, and I like the intrigue of Sam being like the Methiemum but obviously not from the same world.

I loved reading from Rilan's point of view. She has an interesting way of looking at things. I'm excited to see more interaction between Rilan and her new apprentice as well. It seems like that's going to be a fun thing to watch. Also, how on earth did they stick her with an apprentice who doesn't believe in the kind of science-magic that she does? That seems like a crazy oversight or a real jerk-move.

Overall, I love love love this story so far. I'm sitting here wondering what happens next at this very moment.

Some things that were a little off for me:

I realize that you are working on Sam's reactions to the world, and his agoraphobia, etc. I was concerned more by how his reactions to others are. Being agoraphobic, he obviously hasn't been around a lot of people in his life(well the most recent part at least). I feel like he would probably have a hard time relating to others and/or be incredibly shy, unless his Aunt had a lot of visitors, or a large family that visited frequently, or did a lot of web communication.

Why didn't Sam try telling Origon what his solar system was like? He might not know a lot of details, but he would probably know the basics: Yellow sun, 8-9 planets depending on when he was born, Jupiter is humungous, Saturn has Rings.. the color of Earth/Mars, etc... Origon might not know what he was talking about, but I'd assume Sam would try all the information he knew of his world.

[Turos]

My pronounciation is meth-ee-EM-um. I'm curious--what was your first pronounciation of the name? Also, how do you pronounce Origon and Rilan's names?

My first try was MEETHH-ee-ee-mum, but I think I settled mostly on meeth-ee-EE-mum.

OR-ih-gon, OR-eye for Rilan's nickname for him.

rih-LAWN

EE-nohs

That's how I figure 'em.

Why didn't Sam try telling Origon what his solar system was like? He might not know a lot of details, but he would probably know the basics: Yellow sun, 8-9 planets depending on when he was born, Jupiter is humungous, Saturn has Rings.. the color of Earth/Mars, etc... Origon might not know what he was talking about, but I'd assume Sam would try all the information he knew of his world.

Ah ya, I forgot to mention this, too. I kept wondering if possibly Origon could have used a sort of 'search engine' on those parameters to narrow it down.

[Mandamon]

My first try was MEETHH-ee-ee-mum, but I think I settled mostly on meeth-ee-EE-mum.

OR-ih-gon, OR-eye for Rilan's nickname for him.

rih-LAWN

EE-nohs

Yep--you got them!

I realize that you are working on Sam's reactions to the world, and his agoraphobia, etc. I was concerned more by how his reactions to others are. Being agoraphobic, he obviously hasn't been around a lot of people in his life(well the most recent part at least). I feel like he would probably have a hard time relating to others and/or be incredibly shy, unless his Aunt had a lot of visitors, or a large family that visited frequently, or did a lot of web communication.

Good point. I'll try to include this as well when I make edits (and as I'm writing new things). I think he would be shy. Some of this will also come out in the next couple chapters, I think.

Why didn't Sam try telling Origon what his solar system was like? He might not know a lot of details, but he would probably know the basics: Yellow sun, 8-9 planets depending on when he was born, Jupiter is humungous, Saturn has Rings.. the color of Earth/Mars, etc... Origon might not know what he was talking about, but I'd assume Sam would try all the information he knew of his world.

Ah ya, I forgot to mention this, too. I kept wondering if possibly Origon could have used a sort of 'search engine' on those parameters to narrow it down.

Excellent points. I'm rewriting that part now. This is a problem in me jumping over things I already know in my head! The short version (which I'm about to write):

Sam describes those things, only to learn that the starmap is limited to the solar systems the ten species came from. Other than that, the starmap is just stars and galaxies. We (Earth) are only now beginning to be able to see planets outside our solar system, and the ten species don't have that technology yet. They are limited to larger bodies, and their starmap is actually pretty limited--detail for each species solar system, and only stars past that. This is why Sam realizes he has little hope of telling Origon where Earth is.

[AubreyWrites]

lol looking through your pronunciations - apparently I'm weird. I say it "meth-EYE-mum" and "o-RIH-gon.

[cnr87]

Sam describes those things, only to learn that the starmap is limited to the solar systems the ten species came from. Other than that, the starmap is just stars and galaxies. We (Earth) are only now beginning to be able to see planets outside our solar system, and the ten species don't have that technology yet. They are limited to larger bodies, and their starmap is actually pretty limited--detail for each species solar system, and only stars past that. This is why Sam realizes he has little hope of telling Origon where Earth is.

Ah, and it's going to be very difficult for Sam to make a portal because he was agoraphobic and the only place he was truly intimately familiar with was his home?

I think what you said you are writing will definitely clear up my only concerns. Looking forward to the next chapter, as always!

[cjhuitt]

Names (where I pronounce them differently):

meth-EE-uh-mum

or-I-gone (kind of like Oregon)

REE-lahn

 

Other comments:

Rilan cursing by Shiv, so soon after finding out that Sam and her share the same physiology, made me wonder about Indian connections.  This is mostly due to Shiva, but the name sounding so close, and kind of like a reference to a god, that the connection sprang immediately to mind.

 

I mentioned this with Sam, but how does Enos, with her strong aversion to mental manipulation, even consider entering the Nether, or staying once she's there?

 

 

Hurray for Sam being apprenticed to Origon.  I like that it was against Origon’s original plan, but I would like for him to be a bit more conflicted about that turn of events, at least at first.  I want him to fight to have Sam as an apprentice, yes, but I don’t want Origon to want to do so immediately, if that makes sense.

 

I like that Rilan could say what Origon said only more straightforward.  I also applaud you keeping Origon’s speech patterns unique and consistent.