Reading Excuses - 20150518 - Fruits of the Gods Ch16 (4521) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Previously:
 Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.  Each sister travels a different path to enter the city.

Thanks for any comments!

[Esaias he/him]

Kinda quiet today. Strange.

Anyways…

 

 

I think I need to reread the previous chapters. I almost forgot about Hbelu.

 

 

Both Samsu-Iluna-Nur-Sibi and Samsu-Iluna-Nur-Ishta enjoy the presence of new flesh around the palace.  This way they will not have to share."

 

Sounds ominous.

 

The palace sounds pretty cool.

 

According to the rhyme, it 'increased the senses,' but which one for her? More importantly, would she have a choice? She had never actively tried choosing before.  Her thumb absently rubbed the stump of her little finger.  Best not to risk it.

 

I’m not entirely sure what “She had never actively tried choosing before.” means. Is this in reference to the cherry or something else?

 

The characterization is very good.  I know I’ve mentioned before, the contrast between the sisters is well done.

Edited May 25, 2015 by gwslow

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback, as always!

 

As to Bel's decision, she's not being entirely reliable in relation to her hair.  There are some other hints previously, but this might suffer some from "weekly reader" syndrome.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I like the detail about Kisare trying not to hunch, and to get rid of her slave posture.

 

- I noticed you used "tired-looking" to describe the inkeeper and "bored-looking" to describe the guard. This seems like a "show, don't tell" case - how did the innkeeper look tired? Did he have circles under his eyes? How did the guard look bored? Was he barely paying attention?

 

- Did Kisare use any Fruit to escape the guard station? Since the guards were so close to her, it seemed like she had to do something other than run to escape.

 

- Kisare's self-disgust with her own attitudes is a nice touch also. 

 

- As always, I like the contrast to the sisters, and the differences in their approach towards navigating the city.

 

- I also liked Beli's reaction to the opulence of the noble's lifestyle. 

 

- Good job setting up heightened senses with Gemeti in the previous section. It's an effective foreshadow, just like the section title. 

 

- Overall, it's a very good chapter and I really can't wait to see what happens next for either of the sisters. 

[Mandamon he/him]

- I noticed you used "tired-looking" to describe the inkeeper and "bored-looking" to describe the guard. This seems like a "show, don't tell" case - how did the innkeeper look tired? Did he have circles under his eyes? How did the guard look bored? Was he barely paying attention?

 

Good catch here.  I'll do more describing and less telling in the rewrite.

 

As to Kisa escaping, she just ran after she recognized the situation.  At that point, I don't think she had any Fruit handy to use.

 

Thanks!