20150518 - Robinski - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 8 (V) - 3450 words

[Robinski he/him]

Thank you for reading my latest submission from The Mathematical Bridge, which is the culmination of Chapter 6 ‘Bad Pennies’. Previously, after meeting Judith to look at her pictures, then following her out of fear for her safety (but not finding her), Rutland had his first encounter for a long time with the Sabine creature.

 

This submission is in a different POV. There are some obvious challenges in here, which I presume will provoke a reaction. I very much look forward to hearing your comments, which will be much appreciated.

 

Cheers, Robinski

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I had to admit, changing the POV is a dirty trick (in a good way . . . mostly). It raises the suspense. The reader will want to see what happens with Blacklake, and this tactic delays those answers. The main challenge will be making sure the reader can still get engaged with this chapter without feeling it's just a distraction.

 

- Actually, I really don't have many comments for this section. I thought it was really, really well-done. It showed an interesting side to Tarquine. He kinda feels like the Doctor gone bad. I really liked his interactions with his victim. The only critique I'd offer is to make sure the beginning is tight and devoid of any ancillary detail so the reader doesn't feel cheated turning away from the suspense of the previous scene. 

[Robinski he/him]

Well thank you very much RD, much appreciated. Good point on the opening - there is definitely some extraneous detail in there.

 

Thanks again!

[Mandamon he/him]

I didn't have as positive a reaction as rdpulfer (as you perhaps would expect ;-).  I do agree the opening has a lot of extraneous detail, however.

 

Notes while reading:

 

pg 1: cars and headlights

--I think I still don't have a good grasp of when this is.  I keep thinking this is set before the invention of cars.

 

pg 3: okay, by this point I'm pretty lost.  I assume this is Tarquin, but there's a lot of atmospheric description (perhaps appropriate for Paris...) and I'm wondering what happened to Blacklake, Sabine, and the rest and why you're telling us about him.

 

pg 4: why the footnotes for a couple words in French when the rest of it isn't translated?  Are these supposed to be internal notes?

 

pg 7: "The tall man seemed sad."

--I think this is what's bothering me.  You say this is in a "different POV" but it's not even in Tarquin's POV.  It's in a cinematic omniscient, with the focus on Tarquin, which reads rather strangely when it's continued for a length of time.

 

pg 8: "She let go of her cousin’s arm"

--the other man is her cousin?  I think I missed that.

 

pg 8: "You need not worry that I'm a vampire"

--Okay.  I guess they're something else, then?

 

pg 10: you don't make any mention of the copious blood that must be pouring from a large head wound.  Unless Tarquin doesn't bleed?  But I would make mention of that as well.

 

pg 12: I guess the cousin is dead?  Did he just trip and hit his head, or did Tarquin help him out?

 

pg 12: "pointing into her chest and moved it forward, fingers sliding into her."

--Eh?  I'm not sure what he's doing, or why, and you end the chapter without answering.

 

 

So this was...surreal?  Also atmospheric, perhaps appropriate with your recent vacation!

It's a good characterization of Tarquin, but I was confused as to what this added to the story and why it was inserted now.  I'm interested in Blacklake, and the switch, plus not saying who Tarquin is until halfway through, took me out of the flow of the story.

 

Still interested overall, and now wondering how Tarquin will play in to the rest.

Edited May 20, 2015 by Mandamon

[Robinski he/him]

I'll answer those valuable points using the pg.a number references (Google Docs is so much easier...).

 

pg.1 - Fair comment, it's largely uncertain. I did flag it for my benefit in the writing, but have maybe drifted around date-wide. (For one thing, I'm quite sure that the Boulevard President Wilson was called something else at the time I have mind!) It's a big point for the edit - check date and edit for consistency - especially because so many of the references are so specific.

 

pg.3 - The Paris thing is pure coincidence, I wrote this originally for Nano 2012! Fair point about the others, but you've been in Blacklake's POV for 92 pages by the point that Tarquin appears, so I hope it will be something of a relief.

 

pg.4 - Good point. I wanted the French to add something different, but if it's just a turn-off then I'll need to reconsider.

 

pg.7 - Yes, it's deliberate. There were a handful of thoughts in Tarquin's POV, but I removed them after I made the comment and forgot to remove it.

 

pg.10- Blood, yes, careless omission on my part - that's not consistent with the overall.

 

pg.12 - I need to embellish the cousin's death - agreed.

 

pg.12 - Need more description of the 'process', I agree. The story is too often enigmatic (or just plain obscure) when it needs to be clearer. This is a general fault with the Blacklake stories (novel). I'll probably bring all the strands together in a single book or two, and that is one of the main problems that I have, the lack of clarity or rather willful obscurity.

 

Thanks for the great comments, Mandamon. Tarquin does seem to be getting the thumbs up as a character, which is important. So, something for build upon, which I'm encouraged by.