2015.05.19 - Valthyr - Images (L,V)

[Valthyr he/him]

So a couple of notes:

It's not finished and I am horribly sorry! However I've been writing several chapters simultaneously as their nature requires it, and I wanted to post this one to see if you guys will like the direction in which this is heading. 

There is now a prologue and a prelude before The Drop, so that clears up a lot of stuff. Also I fixed everything that needed fixing in The Drop, and you guys were enormously helpful for that. I will thank you by reviewing more things than I did last time, but I got caught up with family things. 

Since I have no idea when I will be able to show you guys the chapters before the drop, I will include the recaps for them here for whoever cares.

Prelude recap:

In the last days of a race that lived eons ago we get a glimpse at Hiraeth, Augur of the Loss, who is imprisoned "Away from anything your touch could corrupt, until the stars of the galaxy burn out." Before being transported into his prison, however, he lays one last prophesy on his people - "There is another." Left with that enigmatic divination, the Skalds (the alien beings) then destroy themselves in a civil war brought on by previous actions and deeds of Hiraeth, particularly over a truth he'd revealed to them. (which is important to the book, so I am not going to spoil here)

Prologue recap:

Colonel Colter is introduced with him walking into a temple during the fall of the city Rana (months prior to the Drop which is the seige of Lenium). He tells the temple Magister to leave as the enemy would soon overrun the city, and the other scholar-priests join the evacuating people outside, leaving for Lenium, the last free city on the planet Aridus. The Magister, however, refuses to leave, saying that his path is one he'd known for a long time and talks to Colter about faith - not faith in a diety (although on this world the only religion is that of the Faceless, and scholar-priests are also called Faceless priests), but faith in the righteousness of his own actions, should they truly bow before the reasons given by heart and mind. The Magister stays in the temple and Colter evacuates(images and visions of the old man start plaguing him as the chapters progress, not sure if i should say this). The Magister sacrifices himself and his temple to stem the tide of Lex pouring through the city by blowing the cathedral up (trust me it makes sense ). 
In the prologue something is hinted which I will copy off the chapter, as it is important to the drop and subsequent chapters. It is the concept that arboril alloy does weird things: 

" Colonel Colter touched the Holy wound on his breastplate and walked down the central aisle, his heavy Yadron armor whirring with each movement. Sounds of the frantic evacuation outside flooded through the open doors, but the priests continued intoning their prayers with their hooded heads bowed down in humility before their God. As Colter strolled past rows of wood-lined stone benches, his exosuit started singing back to the Faceless. Its arboril alloy rang, echoing their mantra with dissonant vibrations, the sound gathering from the air around as if the armor pulled in fragments of the melody and crooned them back with its own metallic voice." 

Chapter One (The Drop) recap:
Siege of Lenium is well under way, the Ashen Guard army is on the losing side, and we witness some front line action through the eyes of Colter. A lot of action, though necessary as it is juxtaposed to other chapters where circumstances differ quite a lot from LOUD WAR. We see the arrival of a slightly unexpected armor division led by General Castor, but we get the idea that even with his support, loss is inevitable. (NEW PART) We also learn that there is a field on the planet that doesn't allow electricity to flow - more like absorbs it as energy. We also learn that our guys (The Ashen Guard and Colter) have access to electricity because arboril shields circuits from the dampening field of the planet. It explains why attrition methods are used by the Lex to assault and take over Lenium. 

QUESTION: Could I send a second piece if the total amount of words is still 5000, and is still within the same book (and it's after the one I've already sent)? I had a case like this now, but I'm asking for future reference

EDIT: I didn't have time to edit my chapter, so expect lots of typos and repetitive words along with things that don't make much sense because I forgot them. This is what happens when I apply to submit this week and end up starting the chapter from scratch on the day of submissions.
 

Edited May 19, 2015 by Valthyr

[Robinski he/him]

Thank you advising on the updates that you have made, I found that interesting. The scene that you describe between Colter and the Priest sounds interesting, and certainly diverts from the 'total warfare' scenario of the first submission.

Detailed comments below, but I enjoyed this section. I think you do a pretty good job of conveying the terrible conditions he is in. The last paragraph cuts off very suddenly though. Is that the end of the chapter? If so, I think you would be better butting those explanations earlier on, so that you can end on a more dramatic note. If it's not the end of the chapter - I would have submitted more, as we don't really get much progress in this quite short section.

You've pulled me back from the edge and I'm reassured it's not all 40K style mega fighting. I'm interested to see where this goes now. You have a nice set-up, and I think you do the grand scale pretty well in you setup. Your style is easy to rood too, it pulled me through, although there were some phrasing issues.

Good job.

-----------------------

I suggest 'winds would howl THROUGH the room.'

I'm no sailor, or space captain, but I wonder if you should refer to the front of the ship as the prow? I don't know. Or maybe refer to forward and aft, which is another nautical parlance. Just a thought.

There's something awkward about the phrasing of him slamming into the panel.

Something awkward in this phrasing 'Every dark drop that fell from him took away the last bits of his strength'.

I think it will be drops of perspiration, not precipitation, which is rain, or snow or sleet, etc. I suppose it might be condensation, if the water is coming from else other than Myr. If it really is precipitation, I think you need to describe how it's getting into the sell, as it must be coming from above somewhere (i.e. the sky!).

'drug-induced' should be hyphenated, I believe.

The phrasing of the last paragraph is a little odd, I thought. Also, I take it that he is not actually a hitman, but employs hitmen? This slight lack of clarity is part of the confusion, I think.

Locking him out of the memory?

[Valthyr he/him]

Thanks for the comments! 

I fixed the phrasing, and yes you were right - it should be precipitation and it should be drug-induced.

The "last" paragraph is not the last paragraph in the chapter, this is a bit before the halfway mark of the chapter, however I wrote it yesterday as the previous draft was not good, and I didn't have time to finish it. I will finish it today, and I did have other chapters to submit that would still make it under 5000 words, but I wasn't sure I could send them. 

Locked him out of the memory - it will be clarified later exactly what this is, it's not random or a mistake. There's a mention of his "trained mind" somewhere in there too, so those hint to something that you'll see in the next Myr chapter. (Though there are hints later in this one too.)

Thanks for pointing out the silliness of the "Every dark drop ..." sentence. That's what happens when I haven't gone back to edit what I've written! 

Have a great day!

EDIT: I can still send the other chapter or the finished Images later today, but since it's gonna be breaking the rules I can send them as personal requests? I already got a new member asking for the Prelude and Prologue, so if anyone wants them, I can send them.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Valthyr

[Mandamon he/him]

Pg 1: "The man’s voice came muffled, as if he was speaking through a ball of cotton, and he frowned. A second later the confusion faded."

--I was confused by this line.  Do you mean Myr by "the man?"  Also, why was he confused and why did it fade?

 

Pg 1: is "erus" a title, or Myr's name?

 

Pg 1: I like that he's using artificial implants to make his art better and more realistic.

 

Pg 2:  I'm assuming something happened to the air for Myr to stop breathing.  Wouldn't there be lots of sound to go along with that?

 

Pg 2: okay--so the first part was a dream, which explains what happened with his breathing.  I still think there would be some sound of other indication of what was going on.  I think it stood out since you have a lot of good sense tags in your writing.

 

There are good parallels with the artificial parts and dripping paint in the memory, and his missing parts and blood dripping in real world.  But how did they take his lung?  That seems like an odd method of torture.

 

I'm glad you clarified that this was the middle of the chapter.  It's a bit of "down time" in the middle as we learn about his life.  However, toward the end it felt more like an info-dump, so you might be careful how long that section goes on.

 

As to submitting again this week, I wouldn't worry about it.  we'll still be here next week, and that will give you a chance to tidy up.

I'm also with Robinski that your comments above give some good background for the story, showing it won't all be war stories.

 

 

Looking forward to more!

[Valthyr he/him]

Thanks for the input!

Erus is a title, it becomes obvious in another "vision sequence" later in the chapter that Aius, the ship AI is infatuated with ancient roman things. Erus means "master, lord of the house" in Latin. 

There's a reason they took his lung, arm and eye specifically. They ruined his ability to wield a sniper ... well forever, as modern artificial limbs and organs in that world don't work well enough to allow him to resume his profession. Since they don't intend to let him go, however, it's both physical and psychological torture, knowing that even if he were to be freed, he'd never be the man he was in all aspects of his life. 

Last thing - I gathered you're saying there should be more indications that it's a dream, since those sentences with his own voice stand out too much? 

Stay awesome

Edited May 19, 2015 by Valthyr

[Mandamon he/him]

Last thing - I gathered you're saying there should be more indications that it's a dream, since those sentences with his own voice stand out too much? 

 

Actually, I thought the dream was good--the reader shouldn't realize it because Myr doesn't.  I was just referring to more description in the last section where he stops breathing.  There are not as many descriptors in that section.

[Valthyr he/him]

Got it! Upon reading it, I realized it needed more. Thanks!

[supersoup he/him]

I love the way you open so simply--"Myr raised the whisky glass to his lips, studying his work."--and yet it's so effective.

It's my favorite way to begin a section. You offer a character, performing an action, and even without supplementary details, I already have a good setup of the scene.

 

The imagery with the painting is awesome. My father used to paint, so it ties into old, dusty memories of mine to immediately endear me to Myr.

 

I had the same question about the man's muffled voice, as though through cotton. Are we talking about Myr or the AI?

 

The idea of an artificial eye to help retain images and colors for painting later is a good blend of sci-fi tech and practical, everyday use.

 

The blending of details outside his dream into the tail end of it was a great segue.

 

Dang, I'm really enjoying this side of your story. Looking forward to what happens to Myr--his section is really well written, and it's hard to pull myself away to jot down comments here. I hope he gets his revenge.

 

Ah, using his dream paintings and events to pull memories for their own use, that's a novel twist I didn't see coming, even after he awoke to the real world. Or is it the real world, I wonder. Inception?

 

So he's a hitman. An antihero, perhaps? Chaotic Good?

 

I'm really enjoying your story. Curious how Myr's tale ties into the rest of the war, but looking forward to RAFO!

[Valthyr he/him]

Thank you immensely for the input! 

I've been away on family and university things, and I wish I could've written more than I have, but I will make up for it the next few days. I think i will miss or have already missed the deadline tomorrow, but still. I'm going to be paying a visit to the other topics, as I read the things but I didn't have the time to write my reviews. 

I'm glad you like Myr's story, there's a whole lot more planned than the two chapters let on. Like a female hero, some universe stuff to fully feel the scope of things and more! 

Stay awesome