Reading Excuses 5-17-2015 Turos: Paravita Part1

[Turos he/him]

Thanks for any feedback.

[Mandamon he/him]

I liked this.  It was a fun thought-exercise, with enough artifacts and worldbuilding in there to hint at a larger world.  

 

A couple parts you might be able to cut to make it stronger:

"There would be no trace of the cut. It had never happened, never been damaged in any way."

--I think you could take this out and still get the message across.  You've already mentioned that it's phantom pain, which means there is no cut.  You've also established pretty well that the character is respawning in some way, so I don't think there's any confusion at the end.

 

I would also get rid of the "What?" at the beginning, but that's just me.  It makes the commentary a little too casual for my taste, and takes away some of the bite of the first line hook.

[Esaias he/him]

Interesting beginning, I like the concept. 2 things:

 

I had spoken before gravity slid my head free, breaking pertinent electrical impulses in my spinal cord. "Why are they called Otter Pops?"

 

I think this would make more sense with the dialogue first.

[Turos he/him]

@Mandamon The funny thing? I actually cut a bit more redundancy from that line before submitting it. Seems I have a habit to break. xD

 

@gwslow Ah, I see. That would definitely flow better.

 

Good points that totally make sense. I am going to fix those. Thanks!

[Valthyr he/him]

The first sentence is a really great hook.

You have great concepts outlined here, tho I agree with Mandamon - you could cut that sentence down or change it to something else. I'm getting a Neil Gaiman vibe here, though I suspect there will be more fantastic/fantasy elements than in most of his works (He's awesome!).

I really love the way the character is addressing the reader as if he's part of that universe. I've always found that that allows me to accept strange concepts more easily, and it draws me in more. I've found myself nodding in agreement with observations made by some character just because I've been spoken to as if i'd been there or done the thing in question, and my brain immediately goes "Oh, well, if we have that and that, and we were there, then what follows is obviously true". This provokes the reader into building up the world in the story without needing too much description. 

I hope I managed to get my last point across, as I sometimes over-complicate what I want to say.
Good work, keep it up!

[Turos he/him]

@Valthyr Ha ha! That's a cool way to explain it. Reasoning with the reader. A new level of immersion!

[Robinski he/him]

Detailed comments below, but I found this an interesting start, and an intriguing premise. There isn’t really enough to get one’s teeth into of course, but I would certainly read more of this.

 

There are one or two beats that I thought were a bit off, and I comment on these below, but otherwise, good set-up.

 

Like the title too, sounds like a name, but I also get the sense of it as presumably meaning ‘beyond life’.

 

Good job.

 

Oh, and btw, I agree with.......... Valthyr! (but I agree with Mandamon too, as almost always.)

 

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“One... or two or many more.” I'm thinking.

 

I felt there was something off about the phrase “gravity slid my head free”.

 

Wait, what? The fall can’t knock him unconscious when his head’s already been severed! Maybe that’s something to do with some magical conceit of the story but, as a reader, this early on I'm still trying to make it fit my reality, so this sounded wrong.

[Turos he/him]

Thanks Robinski! You are very close on the definition of the title, at last as far as I understand Latin.

Thanks for pointing those things out. You're right. I need to ease my readers in more so I don't break their immersion.

[Majestic Fox he/him]

Interesting. I like how irreverent the character is. I like how you haven't info dumped. It has intrigue and style.

 

The first line didn't grab me as much as I felt it was design to. I'm particularly sensitive to this, but it felt like it was trying to be a powerful first sentence hook. 

 

After that I was drawn in more. I enjoyed the conversational attitude of this guy who's talking about something far out. To me, the more that dying is a familiar thing to the character, the better it works. It works less well when he calls attention to it like here: It really all depends on how many times you've perished, and how often. At least, that's my observation.

 

Rain Palace made think I was reading fantasy. Molecule-thin made me think it was sci-fi. Gravity told me it was sci-fi.

 

How is the character able to talk about Otter Pops with the Empress in the space of time it takes to swing the light-saber through his neck? 

 

I absent-mindedly hummed along while I waited for the reset.

I like this – it’s a run of the mill scenario situation for him. I’d like it even more if it were grounded in more concrete description. 

 

Overall, it's good. I wanted to read more. 

[Turos he/him]

You are indeed a majestic fox. Cunning advice.

Those are excellent points. It makes sense and I agree. Real still is found in subtlety.I need to remember this.

Well, I'm going to give this one a redo and submit it again. I hope you all don't mind. I'll include new content, as well.