20150511 - Fruits of the Gods Ch15 (4421) - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Chapter 15.

Previously:

Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.

All comments welcome!

[rdpulfer]

- The first sentence is somewhat in present tense. You can fix it by making it "Kisare watched . . . "

 

- Again, to us, concepts like teleportation and invisibility are commonplace thanks to various comic books and TV shows. I don't know they would be as known in this culture. You might want to use different words, even if she is just stating she was invisible, instead of having invisibility. It's a more simple term.

 

- The same thing with mentioning telepathy. Persuasion works well though. Maybe show the guards nodding or losing focus as she talks. 

 

- I like the revelation that Fruit can allow people to sense others, and how the guards use it to spot Kisare. It levels the playing field considerably.

 

- I like the contrast between how Kisare avoiding notice - using the Fruit - while Beli just tries to blend in the best she can with her attitude. 

 

- And I love how Beli is able to apparently convince the guard she is both a Noble and the victim of an attack. Very well done! 

[Mandamon]

Thanks for the comments!

 

I kept the more advanced terms like teleportation and telepathy in for now just for consistency, even though there were some comments on them last week as well.  I'll have to think about whether I want to replace them.  My thoughts are that this world has had that ability for a while, so the words wouldn't really be "futuristic" to them.  On the other hand, there's the connotation it would have to the reader.  I'll certainly tag that for something to look at during the rewrite.