20150504 - Robinski - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 7 - 3,558 words (-)

[Robinski he/him]

Here is the beginning of Chapter 6 of The Mathematical Bridge. The chapter is about 7,200 words. Although my edits of this section have dropped 272 words (from this section) – I still need to split it in two.

 

I very much look forward to your comments.

 

Cheers, Robinski

 

[rdpulfer he/him]

- There's a couple sentences you could cut the prose down to get an equal or greater effect. For example "He had promised himself that, but it amounted to a promise to her" could just be cut to "He had promised himself that."

 

- I like that he's kind of "flying blind" in this section, not using his abilities to pick out Judith. It adds suspense while also building Blacklake's characterization.

 

- Bringing up Anna's death again really makes me wonder if there isn't more going on than Blacklake realizes.

 

- Sabine's appearance is awesome, especially since it is preceded by simple one-line statements. Great work! 

 

- I'm really intrigued where this is going now that Sabine is here and quite literally inside his head. I can't wait to read more. 

[Robinski he/him]

Thank you RD, very helpful. I'm beyond pleased that Sabine's appearance worked for you. It's a big moment in this early-ish part of the story. I hope it is similarly effective for others.

 

Take your point on the some of the sentences. I'm sure there are more than one that could be clearer and better constructed.

 

I hope that the story lives up to your intrigue!

 

Thank you so much.

[Mandamon he/him]

I liked this submission.  It has some energy to it, except when Rutland starts pondering street names or ultimate morals.  And we get Sabine.  I find mysef wanting to read more about her instead of Judith, merely because she's more interesting.

Looking forward to what happens next! I'm wondering who will find Judith first...

 

Notes:

 

pg 1 "He moved of briskly"

--off

 

pg 1: the section with plotting ways to travel gets the point across, but it's also a bit too technical.  Yes, it's what he would think, but I don't really care what the street names are.

 

pg 2: "Burt" = But

 

pg 2: "She must cross the grounds at Christ’s Pieces, or at least skirt them, he would go there, perhaps ahead of her, and wait."

--big run-on sentence.

 

pg 2: "He would not search for Judith, but for Tarquin."

Why? Maybe it's weekly reading syndrome, but is he sure Tarquin will come for Judith?

 

pg 4: okay...there are a lot of street names in this entry...

 

 

And Sabine.  I'm glad she popped up to twist this a new direction.  You do a good job of crazy with her.

 

pg 9: Rutland's internal monolgue here might be a little too deep.  I had to read it twice to understand what he was thinking about.  Got lost a little in the middle.

 

pg 11: "Are you finished your pondering yet, Rutland? It’s very boring, you must realise."

--Good old Sabine.  Right to the point.

[Robinski he/him]

Ha ha, thanks Mandamon (your other name is easier to type), great comments. I'm totally guilty on the street names. Those will get slashed in the edit. As to the run on sentence, I was going for a world record... I think I might have got it too.

 

So glad that Sabine works for you. She seems to be a bit of a hit, so far!! (Devil has the best tunes, and the best broads?!)

[Majestic Fox he/him]

There are parts of this that draw me in. I like the dark, intriguing tone. You have a stylish way of writing. I can sense what you're trying to achieve, and in the final draft it could be a beautiful thing. Here are some details:

 

 

- I like the use of place names, it helps make it feel authentic. That said, I think the first part is a bit excessive with the listing of streets. 

 

- Like how alluring the idea of using his power seems to him. This draws me into the character. Seems like something intriguing is going on here.

 

- There's some word repetition but you'll get that on the next draft, so never mind - I shouldn't have bothered writing this sentence. Ah, one thing I reckon will help though is reading it out loud once you've got to the end of the draft. Will make it all flow better.

 

- (Half way through Pg2) Cut to the action a bit quicker. He's deliberating too much. Hurry up, Black Lake. Pull me into your story! 

 

- Nice execution of him using magic, but then it felt a bit too soon before he 'snapped back from his search.'  

 

- He keeps noticing trees. Why?

 

- I like the part where he steps into the darkness on page 5 / 6. This is the first time I've been intrigued by what's going on. I like that it's something beyond his understanding, and mine. Yes! More of this please. (Quick note: the formatting distracted me a little bit - was cool, but a little ott).

 

- I wish Blacklake was a bit more passionate about something. Or that I had more insight into his emotional world, even if he’s resisting that world, I want to experience the resistance, and understand it.

 

-          I like how Sabine is introduced. You do this with elegance. It draws me in. I want to know more.

-          It’s very introspective. And retrospective. And abstract. I think you need more conflict. Start late, finish early applies. Keep the pyramid of abstraction in mind on your rewrite, and fuse that with vivid description unique to Blacklake.  

-          A useful tool might be to look at how you can bring the character into the conflict on three levels (inner, social, and extrapersonal)

-          The story feels more varied and alive once the characters begin dialoguing with each other

 

 

 

Are you finished your pondering yet, Rutland?

[Robinski he/him]

Thank you, Fox, great comments. Too many street names, yup, even I was wearying of them, what was I thinking?

Too many trees, yes, certainly too close together.

Blacklake, hmm, well it's early days yet, but I'll consider that in the edit.

Introspective, yes, that's probably going to be a thing throughout, but I agree too much is too much.

Hopefully there will be more dark tension for you, and I'm glad Sabine is working for you, so far.

Some interesting suggestions too, which I will definitely consider - thanks again!

[Mr. Wednesday he/him]

Very nice! I made some notes below that are even more detailed than usual. I hope they're helpful.

 

-This scene flowed nicely. As I said two weeks ago, I like the tone. Blacklake's thoughts seem somewhat disjointed and frantic. My only concern is that this sequence is quite similar to the one from two weeks ago, with Blacklake stalking frantically through the streets, describing them one by one, and noticing a lot of dark trees. The street names and the trees are a bit much, as others have pointed out, but I'm more concerned with the similarity to the earlier chapter. 

 

-Sabine's appearance breaks it up nicely and adds a new dimension to the plot.

 

-Pg. 2 "Burt also…knew nothing about" these two sentences feel awkward and have a few typos.

 

-Pg. 2 "It was too easy to be drawn into opening up to everything around him" This feels clunky. Maybe find a single verb to replace "opening up" so that it doesn't feel like you have so many prepositions. 

 

-I love the phrase "fair skin pinked by the heat of the common room"

 

-Pg. 7 I think "monolog" is a bit of a strong word for what Sabine just said. In the flow of the scene, it doesn't feel like she's said all that much. She makes a much longer monologue at the end of this chapter.

 

-Pg. 7 The phrase "his mind slowed to a glacial rumble by her glowing presence" feels strangely dissonant to me. I get what you mean, and I love both of those words, but for some reason they seem to conflict with each other. To me glacial implies cold and frozen, in addition to being slow, whereas glowing, and later "close to her flame" implies heat. It's subtle, but there's just some slight cognitive dissonance going on here between those two images. Nitpicky, I know.

 

-Pg. 7 "Long ago, Rutland Blacklake mastered the art of not being abhorred by Sabine's antics." I may be wrong, but I don't think "abhorred" is the correct word here. He abhors her actions, not the other way around. (Or in this case, he doesn't abhor her actions, but still.)

 

-Pg. 8 "His thoughts could not disguise the acid the laced them and he did not attempt to." This is awkward. "The" should be "that", but beyond that I think the sentence would read more smoothly if you referenced him not being able to disguise the acid in his thoughts, rather than his thoughts trying to disguise the acid in themselves.

 

-Pg. 8 "It seemed that she had already lost interest in that subject…" I feel like this happens rather quickly. She hasn't been talking for very long, and she didn't sound remotely bored when she gave that impassioned "use your power to claim what's yours" statement just a few lines before that.

 

-Pg. 9 "Soulless undoubtedly, and yet not listless like shades or spectres, but released from the mores that defined humanity (Sabine would say bound)." I really like this. It's just dramatic enough without being over the top.

 

-The entire next paragraph, beginning with "Was she the inevitable result" is really nicely done. It's a strong moment of inner conflict without becoming melodramatic.

 

-Pg. 10 "God" should be capitalized, unless Blacklake's a secret pagan.

 

-Pg. 10 In contrast to my earlier praise, the paragraph that begins "Was forgiveness essential to being a human being?" does start to get a little naval-gazey. It's an important moral development, but it comes at a point where there has already been a lot of philosophizing and reflection on Blacklake's part. Maybe trim some of the earlier stuff so that this has more impact.

[Robinski he/him]

Great comments, thank you Mr. W. I can't disagree with any of them and will repair as appropriate.

On the abhorred thing, I think I'll go with something like 'refused to let Sabine's antics to abhor him'. I should have spotted that, thanks.

I''m definitely going to be slashing the streets names and trees (references to). I completely agree about monologue, too.

These really were very helpful comments.