20150420 - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 5 (S) - 4790 words

[Robinski he/him]

A rather long section, apologies, this is the remainder of Chapter 5. I wasn’t quite sure how to rate it, so I marked it ‘S’ for some unpleasantness and impropriety.

 

There is some more vagueness and probably lack of clarity in some places and I’ll have to beg your forgiveness for that. I feel as if I’ve learned a lot in the more than two years since NaNo 2012 when I wrote this, and it shows. I haven’t attempted to fix the larger things that are wrong, which would take more time than I have right now.

 

Comments greatly welcomed.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I really like the dean's thoughts, and that they seem so random and stream-of-conscious. I especially like many of them aren't even about Blacklake to begin with.

 

- i do see what you mean by the lack of clarity. I think the parts about Blacklake's path through the campus can be a bit too specific. I think the reader is most interested in his thought, not necessarily his external direction.

 

- Would "stalker" be a term at this time? It seems a little too modern for Blacklake. 

 

- I really like the line "It had turned him from one kind of monster to another, but one of his choosing."

 

- The switch to Judith's POV might seem a little odd to the reader, who has only been in Blacklake's POV from this point out. You might need to bring in her POV earlier in the narrative, or show Blacklake observing her, if it's possible. 

 

- I like the conversation with Tarquine and how Blacklate fears for Judith. Good job raising the stakes. 

[Robinski he/him]

Very useful comments, thank you RD.

 

Point well taken about the description of Blacklake's walking route, and also the term 'stalker', both of which I accept.

 

I could probably switch one of the earlier scenes to Judith's pov.

 

Also, glad there were some lines that stood out for you.

 

Much appreciated!

[Mandamon he/him]

Interesting.  I made these notes, as always, before reading the comments, but I seem to have tagged the same things rdpulfer did.  Anyway, here's the notes I made while reading.

 

 

Pg 1: A good juxtaposition between the dean's thoughts and what is said.  However, the whole meeting was very short and strange.  Basically, Blacklake walked in, got paid, and walked back out.  Did he even need to see the Dean?

 

Pg 2: I like that he uses walking to not get overwhelmed by hearing other's thoughts.

 

Pg 4: The interruption of the memory is pretty abrupt.  You might define "the first" what "to cross his path" to help us get into the moment.

  It took me few sentences, but I think this is placed after Tarquin and Sabine turned him?

 

pg 5: "Four in fact, he recounted them in his darker moods of which this had become one."

--awkward sentence

 

pg 6: "The rain had doubled its intensity and he turned up his collar."

-Did you mention previously that it was raining?

 

pg 6: "To his right was the open grass of a law, smaller than Parker’s Piece. "

--a law what?

 

pg 7-8: the description of the Tontine Inn makes it seem like this was also after he was turned, but didn't that happen after the fact?  Or am I remembering wrong?

-edit: you then say he was turned after.  It think I'm confused by descriptions of the monster he was and the monster he became.  There's not a lot of definition as to what they were, exactly.  The descriptions that spring to mind are "rapist" and "vampire," but that doesn't seem quite right.  (rdpulfer's "stalker" is probably better.  Maybe?)

 

pg 11: you draw a good characterization of Judith while she looks through her pictures.  The "essay" on the candle burning is a little from left field, I thought, even if it's accurate.

 

pg 13: "The waitress, he had no idea of the time now, but thought from the sky that it was late in the day"

--awkward sentence

 

pg 14: so Tarquin will show up.  Hmm.  I want to learn more about what they can do, but I'm not sure if that has a place in the atmosphere of this piece.

 

Blacklake's biggest antagonist seems to be himself, which is hard to get right.  You mention Sabine and Tarquin, but they haven't appeared (yet), so Blacklake's breakdowns seem emotionally distant, without an external cause.  Tarquin's conversation with him helped that out, but it's coming pretty far in the story.  I almost called you on the intrusion by Judith's POV in the middle (you know me...) but I think it does show her side nicely, especially since, with Tarquin coming, things will probably get tense.

 

I'm interested to see what happens next, now that there's a little more drive behind the story.

[Mr. Wednesday he/him]

It took me a second to get my bearings with this one because there wasn't a plot summary, but once Blacklake left the dean's office I got into the rhythm of it.

 

-I like the stream of consciousness aspect to Blacklake's thoughts. It gives the impression right off the bat that he is a bit scattered and unfocused.

 

-The dark tone overall is very effective. It puts us tightly in Blacklake's pov and conveys his state of mind nicely.

 

-Toward the bottom of page 2 you use the word "background" twice in the same sentence and it feels a bit redundant. 

 

-"…the Fitzwilliam Museum, which attracted groups of school children like a dead antelope attracted flies" -- great imagery. Appropriately gruesome.

 

-"Surely they had much better things to do with all of human kind to occupy them than waste time on his pathetic form." I feel like "to occupy them" is a little cumbersome and the sentence could do without it.

 

-"He snorted, oblivious to the couple that turned to look at him, the tall wild-seeming man standing at the edge of the street, lost in some inner debate and perhaps not entirely there." In this section I feel like there's a slight pov conflict going on. The phrase "lost in some inner debate and perhaps not entirely there" seems a bit self-aware for someone who is oblivious to the couple watching him. I feel like he has had pretty strong tunnel vision up to this point, and describing how he might appear to the couple from afar breaks that and widens the shot in a way that may not be necessary.

 

-On p. 5 you use the phrase "shocked to his core", which you already used once before.

 

-I'm not sure what the time period is supposed to be, but the phrase "slap-and-tickle" is great and it sounds just antiquated enough to add a little humor.

 

-P. 10 "poured" should be "pored".

 

-P. 11 "iterating" feels like kind of an awkward word choice in this context.

 

-P. 11 The segment about Judith picturing the candle in eight individual segments is great. In Writing Excuses, Brandon and Mary both talk a lot about using what a character notices in a given setting to establish things about who they are, and I feel like this is a great example of that. It makes her seem analytical, systematic, and extremely detail-oriented. Nicely done!

[Robinski he/him]

@Mandamon: Thanks for the comments - on the money as usual.

 

pg.1 - conversation too short - agree, will address in the edit,

pg.2,4,5 - will pick these up too,

pg.6 - I thought I had mentioned the rain, but maybe not clearly enough,

pg.7/8 - the turning was after The Tontine Inn novella, as you say, but he was a 'predator' (rapist? probably) before Tontine,

pg.11/13 - I'll consider your reaction to the candle essay in the edit, also the awkward phrasing,

pg.14 - note what you say, but be prepared to learn something more about what Tarquin can do,

 

Call me on pov, would you? Pah! As you know, I care nothing for such vagaries of the pen pushing trade. I laugh in the face of discontinuity and tweak the nose of 3rd omnipotent!! No, wait, that's not me...

 

Thanks again - much appreciated. The beginning is a bit slow, I think I'll consider how to address that, perhaps by moving certain scenes around.

[Robinski he/him]

@Mr. Wednesday: thank you for commenting, very much appreciated, many people won't dive into something mid-way, so I'm much obliged to you.

 

pg.2 - 'background' repetition - got it,

pg. - on 'to occupy them' - hmm, I feel it gives the sentence a different sense when omitted, but I might replace it - one for the edit,

pg. - your self-awareness point is an excellent comment - on review I do agree, I'll rework,

pg.5 - oops, too much of a good thing : o )

pg10. - typo - thank you,

pg.11 - iterating, yes, I agree, too modern a word probably,

 

I'm really pleased that there was some stuff in the submission that worked for you. Always interesting what some find effective and others don't, like the candle passage.

 

Super comments, thank so much.

Edited April 23, 2015 by Robinski

[Mandamon he/him]

Call me on pov, would you? Pah! As you know, I care nothing for such vagaries of the pen pushing trade. I laugh in the face of discontinuity and tweak the nose of 3rd omnipotent!! No, wait, that's not me...

 

Tweak the nose of 3rd omnipotent....I laughed for a good five minutes at that.

 

I imagine a protagonist in 1st POV writing a book in 2nd person to tweak 3rd omniscient's nose while breaking the 4th wall...

[Mr. Wednesday he/him]

Hahaha if one of you writes that story I'm pretty sure you'll have a Pulitzer coming your way.

[Robinski he/him]

I imagine a protagonist in 1st POV writing a book in 2nd person to tweak 3rd omniscient's nose while breaking the 4th wall...

Rofl. You should put it up as a writing prompt when you're on the cruise! Love to hear Howard's reaction to that!

Hahaha if one of you writes that story I'm pretty sure you'll have a Pulitzer coming your way.

Ha ha, the Nolan Boys couldn't write that story. I don't even think The Doctor could write that story!! Edited April 24, 2015 by Robinski

[Mandamon he/him]

Rofl. You should put it up as a writing prompt when you're on the cruise! Love to hear Howard's reaction to that!

 

Lol.  Maybe I will!