20150420 - Fruits of the Gods Ch12 (4128) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Chapter 12

Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I like that you open on Beli's thought - gleeful that she has shocked Gemeti. It's a very good character moment, and I hope it informs their interaction from here on out. 

 

- I also like that you reinforce Beli's impulsiveness a paragraph later - seeing Gemeti as an ally even though they just meant. Again, it's a good character building moment, and helps establish her motivation going forward.

 

- Really curious what the process of making them "nobles" entails, especially when Gemeti says "transform".

 

- I also liked that you mention what Beli guesses is Gemeti's age range, so there's no misunderstanding part of this is just a disguise. However, you might want to add to this. What is the lifespan in this world? How old is "old"?

 

- Good world-building in the dialogue as Kisa and Gemeti talk about trade. I also like the quote about Kisa measuring fertilizer.

 

- I really like the tension between Kisa and Gemeti in general, and how compares to Beli's trusting nature.

 

- Love the ending of this chapter. It really leaves me wondering just how Gemeti is. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Glad you like the differences between the sisters.  That was really fun to write.

Good point on ages.  I can add a few sentences in about how long people live.

Thanks!

[Mr. Wednesday he/him]

Hey all,

 

I'm brand new to the group and this is my first batch of readings, so first off I just want to thank you guys for having me! I had a few thoughts while reading this chapter that I hope you find helpful. Keep in mind that I haven't read the preceding chapters, so feel free to disregard any of my comments if they lack the proper context.

 

-I agree with rdpulfer's comment about the process of turning the girls into nobles. Based on the context, I'm going to assume that they already know what Gemeti means by "transform". The fact that they just sort of go with it and don't ask questions leads me to believe that they know slightly more about what the transformation will entail than we do at this point.

 

-At the top of the second page, you used the phrase "cleaning up loose ends", and while the meaning is clear, I’m pretty sure the expression should be “tying up loose ends”. Just a bit of a mixed metaphor there.

 

-You do a nice job of establishing Belili's POV. This is a purely stylistic question, but have you considered putting some of her observations in italics and making them her internal thoughts? One place that I thought could benefit from that approach was at the top of page 2:

 

"The old woman must have been cleaning up loose ends on her way out.  So she was really planning to travel with them.  She must be used to leaving her home on short notice."

 

It totally works the way it is now, I just felt like placing some of those lines in italics and adding “Belili thought” would anchor us in her POV a little more.

 

-The image of the oxen pulling the giant platforms with the trees on them is awesome!

 

-I actually didn’t know what you meant by the line about Kisa measuring fertilizer. Is it supposed to illustrate how meticulous she is?

 

-The metaphor of the bucket cleansing the shovel is really nice and plays into the earthy tone of the story, but the way it is currently phrased implies that her bruises and pain are like the bucket of water rather than the dirt. You might want to just rephrase that a little bit.

 

-The way this scene ends is great! Gemeti has a clear character arc throughout the chapter and it ends really nicely with her surprising them with her magic. Nicely done!

[Turos he/him]

Okay, I better post before I read other people's thoughts and forget what I have to say.

 

I love your magic system! I will have to go back and catch up on this story, 'cause now I really want to see what the Fruits can do.

 

I like your characters. One is responsible and the other is rash, which makes for some great squabbling potential. I also like Gemeti. She's an old lady with a bit of an attitude, though not that old? Depends on how old these people get, I guess.

 

I liked the part where you described Gemeti shuffling around, trying to be quiet as she packed, I'm assuming, while the girls were supposed to be sleeping. It was just a little segment, but made the experience more vivid, so well done.

 

Maybe I should read through again, but do you show Gemeti's thoughts as well at some points? I can only recall once, but if you are wanting to make her a veiwpoint character, that's great. I just hope we see a lot more of her involvement, if we are getting that close to her behind the scenes thinking.

 

I remember reading your space opera for a couple submissions a while back and really enjoyed your skill. I can see how much you have improved on it, too. Are you publishing anything yet, Mandamon? Definitely close, in my unprofessional opinion.

 

Ok, now to read the other comments so I can edit mine and feel all valid.

 

EDIT:

 

Oh yes, other than agreeing on "transforming" curoisity that hit me, too, I have to say, adding that bit of world-building flavour at the start is a awesome! And my mind likes to fill in the blanks, whether I just blazed over the actual details or not, but I imagine powerful oxen-like creatures moving the entire settlement, one giant cart at a time. Mobile orchards are very cool. Shows the priority of Fruit in those lands. I wonder if they plant the trees or just keep them on wagons.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Turos Stoneward

[Mandamon he/him]

@ Mr Wednesday:  Welcome to Reading Excuses!  Love the avatar pic.

You managed to pick up the thread of the story well, so that bodes well.  As always, if you want to read any of the previous chapters, just send me a PM with your email.

On thoughts in italics: I usually put "direct" thoughts in italics, and leave "narrative" thoughts un-italicized, if that makes sense, but I can see changing that phrase to a direct thought to bring the reader more into the POV.  Good catch.

Yes. the fertilizer comment is on Kisa being meticulous.

Good catch on the bucket metaphor.  I thought that read funny.

Glad you liked the oxen.  That was a fun part to write

 

@Turos:  Welcome back!  I look forward to reading your latest.

good comments (from everyone) on what a "transformation" entails.  I do describe it later, but it might benefit from a little more description now.  Also, there is some discussion in some earlier chapters about why this group is transporting the trees on wagons.  Yes, everyone else plants them.

I don't have a Gemeti POV at the moment, but I toyed with adding hers and another POV to the story while writing.  I may go back and add some in the rewrite.

Very kind words on publishing!  Nothing yet, but I'm submitting this one after I rewrite.  I may try to self-pub a novella in the space-opera universe that I'm editing at the moment.  I managed to snag a place on the Writing Excuses retreat this year (on a boat!) so I'm pumped about that.  Hoping that will help me improve to where I can publish something.

[Robinski he/him]

Nice way to end the chapter, at the start of a conversion / learning process that seemingly will take the story into a different area.

I am enjoying the moving village, it's a simple concept, but different and therefore intriguing and entertaining. The frosty reception was good too.

All in all I enjoyed the chapter. Different things were happening but all moving forward in pursuit of the plot as laid out.

There's no real sense of threat here, but that's okay, I don't mind that, but as noted earlier, the jeopardy needs dialled up in the story overall, I feel.

One thing that occurs to me only now is that we seem to have lost track of Hbelu. Did they leave in the town or had he already moved on? I forget. I think some thought of him to remind the reader where he is would be useful.

 

(* There comments are reproduced from Start Write Now with the permission of Robinski Mouth Shooting-off Inc. Any similarity to constructive criticism is purely coincidental. No authors were harmed in the dispensing of these comments - as far as we can tell, and if they were - what ya gonna do?)