Robinski - The Mathematical Bridge 2-1 - Submission 3 (-) 3552 words

[Robinski he/him]

Sorry this is late, my apologies.

 

This is the first part of Chapter 3 – split in two because it totals 6,000 words odd. You’re going to laugh, but it’s another flashback. In a series of 6 stories, this is very much Rutland Blacklake’s origin.

 

I hope you can forgive the indulgence, comments greatly appreciated.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Watch out for comma splices in some of the sentences. It can make a sentence look like a run-on when it works perfectly fine with just one set of commas or none at all.

 

- I love the play on words with "work face" and "clay face".

 

- I also love how you described his early writing looking like beasts regarding the viewer.

 

- I didn't realize Blacklake even had a brother until several pages into this chapter. It might not be pertinent to the rest of the story, but you may want to include it earlier to give further view to what Blacklake's home life was like.

 

- Overall, I really liked this chapter - both in regards to his relationship with his father and Anna - and I can't wait to see what happens next.

[Mandamon he/him]

Overall, this is interesting backstory, and as always, well written (save the comma splices rdpulfer notes--I've been eyeing those as well, in this and in Waifs and Strays).  However, this is also a big jump from the previous story you've been telling.  I'm fine with a story within a story, but maybe have more warning that you're going to take a chapter off to describe things far in the past.

 

Some other notes:

 

Pg 1: John?  What happened to Rutland?  I'm guessing you'll get to this eventually, but might be nice to have a reminder in there somewhere that yes, we are reading about the same man.  Especially since you only refer to him as "Blacklake" before you start the flashback.

 

pg 2: imperative to keep their workface at the clay face shovelling kaolin

 - I assume "workforce" (though rdpulfer has a different theory, I see).  Also, is kaolin supposed to be some made up clay-product, or is that some other real thing?

 

pg 7: His father was talking of sending James to boarding school in Exeter, he had a new protégé it seemed, which was fine with John, but his father still commended his progress

- a little confused here.  I assume his father had a new protege.  Had to read this a few times to realize you meant the younger brother was the protege.

 

--also the next paragraph has a confusing shift. You've been talking about his father, and then say "One day they met without John’s tutor." I assumed he was meeting with his father, until you showed that it was Anna.

 

Pg 10/11:  So I assume I know where them being together is going...I'm a little surprised her mother suggested Blacklake wait in the barn.  Does she know what's going on?

--ok, her mother calls her, but still.  I would not send a young suitor to an enclosed area out of sight with my daughter...

 

Pg 11: "John Blacklake’s eyes were dark,"

I can't tell who this is, since they are both John.  You clarify later with "Young John," but you haven't been talking about Rutland consistently like that before now.

 

 

In all, this is interesting, but I'm more eager to see what happens to the older miserable, vampire-ish Blacklake than his young yet-to-be-broken self.

[Robinski he/him]

Great comments guys, thanks you.

 

@rdpulfer: comma splices - got it. I'm afraid Mandamon is right, workface is a big fat typo. On the brother thing, yes James is a bit of an incidental, but I take your point.

 

Glad that this worked for you. I really wish I could have put the whole thing up, because it does act as a whole - unfortunately.

 

Skimming it through again in replying here, apologies for the frequent typos in the submission, thanks for your patience with that, I've had quite the week and didn't check this submission over closely enough before posting it out.

 

 

@mandamon: kaolin, also called china clay, soft white clay that is an essential ingredient in the manufacture of china and porcelain and is widely used in the making of paper.

 

Yes, James is his father's new protege, I will clarify in the edit, as I will the next reference to the meeting with Anna. Good point on the waiting in the barn thing too, simpler times, but still... and the eyes thing too, all capable of correction in the edit.

 

I'm glad your finding this interesting. You don't have long to wait, as it happens.

 

 

Much appreciated both.